Because predicting when regular people are going to die isn’t fun.
8. Michael Vick
He’s in jail. I know what happens in jail, I’ve seen Oz and watched that Adam Sandler movie, and I was horrified by both. He’s got a target on his back, and prisoners are just like middle linebackers except sometimes after they tackle you, they forcefully rape you.
Likely Cause Of Death: I’m guessing it will be a shanking. Just to show you how dangerous jail is, look at these everyday items you use at home, and see how the same items serve a different purpose in jail.
7. Joe Francis
The founder of Girls Gone Wild who made millions off drunk girls showing their boobs, making every frat guy in the country say “fuck dude, why didn’t we think of that?”
Likely Cause Of Death: Karma, bitch. God was nice enough to make alcohol so girls would show their boobs, then Joe Francis had to take God’s gift and make a fortune from it. That makes God angry. I haven’t read the bible, but I hear that’s bad. To show you just how much people hate him, here’s his approval rating in comparison to some others:
6. Random 80s Sitcom Supporting Character
Every year there’s a death of some actor we sort of remember, but not really. Then someone says “you know it’s the guy from ___ who always said ___.” Then you’re like “Oh yeah!” Then you never think about that person again.
Here are your choices.
5. Artie Lange
Sidekick to Howard Stern, Artie Lange’s popularity has grown enormously, but so has his big fat ass. Artie gained almost 100 pounds in one year, which, to put in perspective, is like waking up one morning to find Nicole Richie surgically attached to your back, carrying a 25 pound barbell.
Likely Cause Of Death: Either a heroin overdose or a meatball parmesan overdose. Either way, let’s take a look at what doctors will find in Artie’s stomach!
4. Lindsay Lohan
If your estranged father calls into the Howard Stern show on a regular basis in an attempt to reconcile with you, chances are you are going to be one incredibly fucked up kid.
Likely Cause Of Death: This is a self-esteem issue. While normally I’d say hot chicks with low self-esteem allow normal dudes a chance to bang them, in this case, it’s a train to deathville, which is not in Missouri, even though it seems like it would be. With each shitty movie, her self-esteem falls further, allowing more and more random and potentially dangerous dudes to do her. See the chart below:
3. Don Imus
He’s back on the air and also apparently half-way through some sort of mummification process. If you think a man that looks like that is going to live another full year, then you’re either crazy, or Abe Vigoda.
Likely Cause Of Death: Look at the man. Seriously, take a look at these two pictures and tell me which one is Imus.
2. Amy Winehouse
Alright, she does a lot of drugs and drinks a lot of alcohol. But so do many celebrities. But many celebrities don’t get caught wandering the streets in the wee hours of the morning looking like they were attacked by penises that shot cocaine out of their urethra.
Likely Cause Of Death: Believe it or not, I say a heart attack due to her diet. Let’s take a look at Amy’s food pyramid:
1. Britney Spears
Not only is she on this list, she’s the reason why I made this list. I’ve seen bigger messes before, but they were coming out of an elephant’s asshole at the zoo.
Likely Cause Of Death: I wasn’t sure here, so I made a pie graph to show the different options.