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Top Ten Lent Sacrifices & Why We Won’t Give Them Up

So today officially begins Lent, which is one of those Catholic things that most other people don’t care about. Every culture has some sort of fast/do without period. Lent just happens to be the most commonly observed one here in the U.S. You can give up whatever you want for lent, the idea being that whatever you’re giving up was making you a more awful person, and that giving it up for forty days will somehow make you a better person. Sure, why not?

There’s a handful of us who would like to cling to our vices, and not the promise of a pleasant afterlife, or a better living one can make us change that.

Television

Shouldn’t be that hard, but it’s really pretty harmless now, considering you can DVR things, and skip commercials. Or skip awful shows to watch good commercials.

Booze

How could anyone do this during the dark winter months? Are we supposed to fall asleep naturally while listening to the snowfall? NO THANK YOU. DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT! Passing out is more our style, at least until the weather breaks.

Coffee

Almost as awful as giving up alcohol. You try waking up naturally and scouring the internet for inspiration. IT DOESN’T WORK. We need a good four hours of a blinding coffee buzz every morning to really get the motor running.

And don’t even think about suggesting we switch to tea. That’s for British people, and other weird foreign cultures.

Carbs

Oh you mean the very fuel that powers our comedic engines? NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Carbs are an essential ingredient in our formula for success, and they are best consumed in the form of nacho cheese Doritos.

Sweets

No sweets? Then how are we supposed to treat ourselves for a job well done? With f*cking raisins? Pass the Ho-Ho’s, I’m starting to get sleepy.

Fast Food

When fresh, delicious salads are as cheap and readily available as a twenty-piece nugget, then we’ll consider this!

Cursing

Curse words are like punctuation in our everyday conversations. It’s like using bold type!

Social Media

How are we supposed to know what Snooki’s up to?

Smoking

Please? You want us to hurt innocent people?

Drugs

Again, do you want us to get unnecessarily angry and violent?

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