Explore Holy Taco

Topless Model Sophie Dalzell Thinks Her Boobs “Are More Important Than the Law,” Turns Out to Be Right


(Well, they’re definitely more important than that face-OH SNAP!!!!)

By Jared Jones

Meet Sophie Dalzell, a 20-year-old British topless model who recently made headlines for assaulting a pair of police officers (you can do that sort of thing in England, because you know, no guns), then skipping out on her court date to get breast augmentation surgery in Belgium.

Bigger tits, that is. Plastic gold. Hollywood hills.

You see, being “hot” (or simply willing to get naked on camera) can often come at a huge cost to one’s mental acuity, believe it or not. It’s why I’ve always chosen to dress like a slob and date women with hunchbacks, missing teeth, harelips, or some combination of the three. Yeah, that’s why I’ve done it. In any case, what fleeting respect you still held for Ms. Dalzell is likely to be erased when you hear her reason for skipping said court date:

“My boobs and my appearance are more important than the law,” Dalzell, who makes her living appearing on late-night, adult TV programs, told The Manchester Evening News. “My career depends on it.”

And as luck would have it, Dalzell was right. She presented the court with a letter from her plastic surgeon, as if she was caught playing hookey in high school, and was promptly let go.

Oh, and did I mention that Ms. Dalzell has already been convicted of some *eleven* assault and vandalism charges? Yeah, I’m sure she’s gonna turn out just fine.

It gets worse, and by “it”, I am referring to that horrifying amalgamation of hair dye and silicone pictured above. For her various crimes against humanity, Dalzell has been sentenced to serve 400 hours of community service, a punishment that she is now refusing to complete because it’s “too hard”:

She says that her normal schedule consists of about two work days per week, and she is paid £500 — about $850 — per photo shoot, “and the rest of the time I just chill out.” It’s not fair, she said, for the court to force her to clean up litter and rake leaves for no pay at all.

So she is simply refusing to do the community service because “I hate everything about it,” and “it’s a waste of a full day and it’s just too hard for me.”

Instead, Sophie Dalzell plans to spend the summer on the resort island of Ibiza, on vacation, and “deal with the consequences when I get back.”

Christ, it’s like this chick is actively trying to steal the title of “World’s Worst Female” away from Farrah Abraham.

To her credit, Dalzell has allegedly completed over 220 hours of community service that I’m sure weren’t traded for blowjobs (or “blowies” as our neighbors across the pond oft refer to them as) with the onsite officers.

Look, it’s easy — perhaps too easy — to blame Dalzell and Dalzell alone for her behavior here. It would be just as easy to blame the judge who let her go, the British judicial system for not having already thrown her in jail or preferably melted her in the sun with a giant magnifying glass, or the two female police officers she assaulted for probably muttering some smart remark about her “Bristols” under their breath as she walked by.

But not me. No, I’m choosing to blame mankind as a whole, and more specifically, our obsession with cartoonishly fake-titted Barbie fuck dolls like Ms. Dalzell. I am something of a hardcore feminist, and if you don’t believe me, just ask the peg-legged, cross-eyed skank with the rubber ear I banged last night while discussing Dalzell’s case. I believe her name was Debbie.

“Giving Dalzell a free pass because of her looks is a horrendous double standard that is only widening the equality gap you women are so desperate to close,” I told Debbie while hurrying her towards the door of my apartment. “Women are not meant to be treated like objects, but neither are they to be placed on a pedestal in the eyes of the law. Now please, get the fuck out of my house.”

The point I was/am trying to make is, Sophie Dalzell isn’t even that hot, so why the hell is she receiving such preferential treatment and what can we do to stop it?

0 Responses to "Topless Model Sophie Dalzell Thinks Her Boobs “Are More Important Than the Law,” Turns Out to Be Right"