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Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the web

The trolls were a-tweeting trying to bait a celeb

The Redditors were clicking their blue links with glee

And online pornographers kept posting videos of pee

 

The WoW players raided with nerd-rage a plenty

And hipsters at Starbucks were nursing a venti

Our intern still editing and I looking for pics

Had just logged onto chat roulette to be assaulted by dicks

 

When from the antivirus software there came a fierce warning

I’d downloaded some terrible with all my strenuous porning

Away to my Crap Cleaner I flew like a flash

To start removing all that Eastern European trash

 

With a whir and a grunt the program started working

If only I hadn’t downloaded all those videos of twerking

Then what to my wondering eyes should appear

But a pop up warning me to get out of here

 

With a laughing face as pale as my mom

I knew right away it was Kim Dot Com

More rapid than eagles those pop ups did come

Showing all manner of body parts from penis to bum

 

Now Fisting! Now Watersports! Now Femdom! Now Interracials!

On BJs! On Gloryholes! On Amateurs and Facials!

Across my desktop covering every inch

Arose such things to make even me flinch

 

As like kids with skinned knees or a freshly dumped guy

My eyes teared up as I started to cry

Hitting backspace, esc and del like a shooter

I had to act fast, this was a work computer

 

None of it was working, the porn multiplying

Nothing’s so shameful as a pervert caught crying

I dew back my hand in abject frustration

To use it for violence instead of masturbation

 

When all of a sudden as all hope was fading

The pop ups stopped on an image most degrading

The computer had settled, the nightmare had stopped

A chance to fix this, a new approach to adopt!

 

Never again, I swore, as I control alt deleted

This little incident would never be repeated

No porno, no smut, no nudie pics would I Google

I’d find something else to help me toot on my bugle

 

I ran Crap Cleaner and Malwarebytes too

I ran everything message boards told me to do

And soon it was clean and functioning well

But why did it stop, would it ever tell?

 

And I looked out my window as snow filled the air

Was it a miracle, or some answered prayer?

Saved from doom on this cold Christmas Night

Just goes to show, things work out alright

 

Pouring a drink, I went back to work

No time for socializing, I’m kind of a jerk

But a lesson was learned, one I wouldn’t mask

In the New Year I’d be responsible and I’d stay on task

 

Onto the web, to Twitter and more

Hey, is that a nipple?  Better check to be sure

One window won’t hurt, hell two would be alright

Merry Christmas to all, let’s check out some porn tonight.

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