(I fail to see what this child was so afraid of.)
By Jared Jones
I’m not afraid to admit that I have allowed slightly jingoist/racist/sexist thoughts to pass through my noggin’ from time to time, whether subconsciously or otherwise. I try to suppress them as best I can, but every now again, one of the dozen or so meatball Italian lunks that roam my neighborhood will sideswipe my car while checking himself out in the rearview mirror of his IROC-Z and I am forced to consider whether or not his country of origin played some part in the matter. I usually decide that, no, it didn’t, until said meatball proceeds to threaten me with mob justice if I ever show up to his house demanding compensation again. I have strange neighbors.
The point is, we all try to act like stereotypes are ridiculous generalizations grounded in either an ignorance of one’s culture, race, sexuality, etc. And we’re mostly right, but then you hear a story about a 12-year-old French boy faking his own kidnapping to avoid the dentist and it becomes almost impossible *not* to fall back on the idea that the French are all genetically predisposed cowards with terrible hygiene. I mean, just read this shit and tell me you didn’t think the same thing:
A 12-year-old French boy was reportedly so determined not to go to the dentist that he faked his own kidnapping, leading to a one-month investigation by cops.
The dental-drama began late May after he was found by police hiding in Alpine village St. Gervais on May 21, The Local Europe reported.
When the boy was questioned by officers, he allegedly claimed that he had just escaped an abduction attempt from nearby town Bagnols. Sticking to his guns, he elaborately invented a scar-faced villain who lured him to his car for directions as he was dutifully heading to his dentist appointment.
That’s when, without warning, the man pulled him into his car and took off. It was only by luck that the boy said he managed to escape when the vehicle stopped in St. Gervais.
Like the story about a KFC kicking out a little girl because of her facial scars, I’m seriously having trouble believing that this actually happened. It’s too French to be real. What’s next, a story about a Canadian choking to death on his Kraft dinner while watching a hockey game because he didn’t want to burden the 911 operator with a phone call? A Polak loan shark lending out all his money and skipping town? WHY DO YOU MAKE ME THINK LIKE THIS, INTERNET.
I can only assume that the boy’s interrogation went something like this:
Detective: “Please, child, we need to know what the man who took you looks like.”
Boy: (*takes long drag of cigarette*)
(*exhales in detective’s face*)
Detective: “Sacre bleu! This child is l’impossible! We need more wine to coerce him!”
Of course, the question now becomes: How was a 12-year-old able to lead police on a month long goose chase before he was caught?
He described the man as European-looking in his 30s, with a muscular build, standing 5-feet-7-inches tall, and with a vertical scar on his right cheek. He further provided a description of the car the man had been driving and the clothes he was wearing.
For a month the boy appeared to have gotten away scot-free, until officers called him in for questioning once more — after reviewing security footage in Bagnols.
When confronted about his tall tale, the boy reportedly confessed to making the entire story up all so he wouldn’t have to go to the dentist.
Again, maybe it’s just me, but I picture all kidnappers as European men with a facial disfigurement of some kind. But at the end of the day, I tip my hat to that boy for bringing the plot of a Bob’s Burgers episode to life and sticking to it for over a month. I’m sure his chain-smoking, yellow-toothed, menage a trois-having parents are proud.