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Twilight: Breaking Dawn: A Shocking Discovery

Like you. I have never read the Twilight books because, like you, I’m normal.  This is to say that Twilight fans are not normal.  Don’t feel bad, Twilight fans.  Remember how a few years ago people started the whole “who’s to say what’s normal anyway?” movement, to make freaks feel better? Yeah.  So feel better.

You don’t need me to tell you what an abysmal story the books depict, many, many other websites helmed by much braver editors actually read the books before they made fun of them. I made fun of the movies for a whole year before I actually sat down and watched one because I felt it was my moral duty to know if it really was as bad as everyone claimed.  And it was.  It so was.  Terrible dialogue, ridiculous plot and laughable performances.  It’s not even opinion at this point, it’s a stone cold fact that Twilight is terrible and that you too are probably terrible for liking it.  But is there nothing there?  Could something so meritless really have attracted so many fans?  Is this where I make a veiled reference to Nazi Germany as proof that group think is necessarily a good thing?  I don’t know.  But if there’s anything to know, maybe I can glean it from the new twilight: Breaking Dawn trailer.  After all, this is the vampire money shot, literally and figuratively.  Come with me (but not with Edward) as we discover the trailer together and see what we can learn about the charm and allure of Twilight! (sparkle).

0:01 – The trailer is approved for appropriate audiences.  Who is the appropriate audience for Twilight?  I feel something treacherous hidden deep in the bosom of this statement.


0:07 – Is that a violin?  And a sweeping shot over water.  The scenery is stirring.  Beautiful even.  My loins are stirring.


0:09 – “You ready?”  The voice is gruff.  Authoritative.  Manly.  Someone mutters a shrug of a reply and I have to assume it’s Kristen Stewart.  She’s Renee Zellwegger if you medicated her.


0:10 – Doesn’t everyone look fancy here?  It’s like prom if the theme is Enchanted Douches.


0:21 – Edward giving his vows, huh?  Shouldn’t vampires have sexier vows?  Or mysterious ones?  Or something?  Maybe they could be growled.  Or at least written in red ink.  Maybe…wait….


0:29 – Who is that?


0:32 – Ed…ward?  So handsome in that tux.  I feel nervous.  I feel like if he asked me to dinner I’d have to say no because my stomach is already full – full of butterflies!


0:34 – As long as we both shall live.  But he’ll live…forever.  OMG that’s so romantic!  They can really be together for ever it’s so perfect in every way!


0:43 – Who is that?  Taylor Lautner.  He really does have soulful eyes.  But Bella, you’re married now!  Married in a beautiful daylight ceremony full of vampires!  I refuse to even question any of this.  Pasty, Anglo-Saxon vampires and ruddy, Native American werewolves are all I need to sustain me!


0:55 – Wow…so strong.  That’s the power of love though, isn’t it?  I wish I could feel that.


1:00 – HOLY SHIT IT’S STEAMY VAMPIRE SEXING!  I just… I don’t know.  I need to…oh my God.  He broke the headboard.  So much passion.  So powerful.  Was that bed Ikea?


1:05 – Oh Bella…you look like an angel surrounded by those feathers.  I want to go to Old Navy with you every day all day!


1:08 – Sleepy albino waterfall sex is on my bucket list!  It’s like you know me!  Like you’re inside of me!  Oh God, I need a moment.


1:09 – 1:34 – (Fending off a bout of the vapors)


1:35 – What?  What happened?  Why can’t you see Bella’s future any more?  Why?  Why does Bella look so ill?  WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED WHEN I HAD THE VAPORS?


1:40 – Bred or bread?  What the hell is going on?  Oh God, Edward, make it better!  Make this all better!


1:45 – That’s so many dogs.


1:53 – When Edward rages it’s like if Steve Buscemi suddenly went normal.  It’s striking.


1:57 – That’s right Edward, they’re not going to touch her. You seem so much more angry.  Strong.  Firm.  Intimidating.  You remind me of someone.  But…who?


1:58 – Fight!  Fight for love!


2:00 – Does Taylor Lautner age backwards?  I finally understand that Rod Stewart song.


2:03 – I don’t like the look of you of Pee Wee Herman.  Not one bit.  Bring back Bella!


2:14 – Edward rushes to the rescue, he’s so brave!  But…who the hell is it he reminds me of?  Someone dark and mysterious.  Someone smart yet insidious.  Someone…who sews asses to mouths?

Holy shit, Edward Cullen is a young Dieter Laser, better known as the Human Centipede ass-to-mouth obsessed doctor!


2:18 – Yeah, I dunno.  Isn’t that eerie?  Have you seen the Human Centipede?  I’m not wrong, am I?  What was I even talking about here?  I dunno…

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