Twilight Eclipse – The Holy Taco Rejected Script

It is Twilight, because that is clever. I guess there’s an eclipse too. Can that happen at Twilight? Doesn’t matter. BELLA is in the woods, looking like a MOUTH BREATHER who is MILDLY TRANQUILIZED and perhaps SPECIAL.

Bella
It’s so mysterious and stuff out here. I love my vampire boyfriend but that werewolf guy that is underage yet still all sex offendered over by middle aged ladies is pretty hot too. Shit, my life is difficult.

Suddenly EDWARD appears. He looks like a NANCY and not so much like a vampire as a dude with MAKE UP ON.

Edward
Hey.

Bella
Hey.

Edward
I have never loved anyone the way I love you

Bella
Why?

Edward
Dunno

Bella
Yeah. 

The sky opens before this GRIPPING DIALOGUE can continue and a GIANT ROBOT descends. It looks like what you’d get if Voltron and a chainsaw had babies. Plus it has ROBOT BOOBS. It is totally awesome.

Chainsaw Boob Bot
ATTENTION! I HAVE COME FROM THE FUTURE TO EXTERMINATE DOUCHE!

Edward
Shitty

A MASSIVE FIREFIGHT ensues as Chainsaw Boob Bot unloads napalm from her chainsaw boobs across the forest. Edward and Bella run as fast as their SKINNY JEANS will allow. Maybe some WEREWOLVES who look like they walked out of a mid-90’s CALVIN KLEIN UNDERWEAR AD get blown up at the same time. No one GIVES A SHIT.

Bella
Edward, what can we do? You’re so douchey, this robot will never let you go.

Edward
That had occurred to me.

Bella
I know, right?

Edward
Hey look it’s Paul Hogan.

Bella
Who?

Edward
Crocodile Dundee. He’s awesome.

Bella
Honestly, I don’t know who that is.

Edward
He was famous a long time ago. It was a different time then. The 80’s

Bella
Oh. I wasn’t alive then.

Edward
I was. Because I am ancient. And a vampire. Yet inexplicably drawn to your dephtlessness. I mean, you’d think I’d want something more in a potential partner. I look about 25 but claim to be 17 and am really over 100, seems like I should require some more stimulation or something. I guess unless the idea is I used to be retarded before I became a vampire, I don’t rightly know.

Bella
You’re irresistible.

Edward
Pretty much

Paul Hogan appears and does that thing from the movie where he makes the water buffalo fall asleep by staring at it with his hand out, kind of like the same bullshit Mel Gibson does to that dog in Lethal Weapon 3, only this time he does it to the robot, which is pretty much RETARDED. You’ll notice that’s a THEME here.

Paul Hogan
G’day shrimp Fosters wallaby!

Chainsaw Boob Bot SMASHES THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF PAUL HOGAN.

Edward
Oh shit!

Edward and Bella flee to a cave for safety. Inside the cave is ROBERT DE NIRO, SETH ROGEN and MORPHEUS. Not Lawrence Fishburne, MORPHEUS.

Bella
What are you guys doing here?

Robert DeNiro
Attempting to broaden audience appeal while at the same time making it painfully obvious how woefully out of your depth you are as an actor.

Bella
I get that a lot

Seth Rogen
We’re also hiding from the robot. It’s huge. Seems to just be after douches though. Thanks for coming here, by the way.

Morpheus
I am merely here to suggest a montage that, by the time it concludes, will have converted you from douches into whatever it is you become once douche is cured

Edward
That sounds fun

BEGIN MONTAGE

Edward and Morpheus run up a hill while WHITESNAKE plays in the background

Edward lifts bales of hay

Edward punches a school boy

Edward skips rope

Edward runs up the hill some more

Edward watches a porno while Morpheus yells at him to stop crying

Edward turns down a wine cooler and instead drinks a beer.

END MONTAGE

Morpheus
Congratulations, Edward. You’re no longer a douche.

Edward (now played by Nicholas Cage)
Awesome. Bella, scram.

Bella
But why?

Edward Cage
Because I’m not a douche. Check out my receding hairline

Edward and Morpheus HIGH FIVE and ride off on motorcycles.

FADE TO BLACK