While Roman Polanski
was under house arrest in Switzerland fighting extradition for a 1978 statutory rape conviction, he spent his time writing pitches and treatments for various films. Now that he’s out, Holy Taco has obtained one such pitch for a prequel to the popular Twilight series. Enjoy.
Treatment: Twilight: First Blood
By Roman Polanski
By now we all know the story of the Twilight films, which chronicle the adventures of a seventeen-year-old spinster named Bella Swan and her erotic encounters with vampires and werewolves. While I concede that the series is a sexual tour de force in its own right, I can’t help but wonder if there is more to the tale. Specifically, I’m intrigued by the back story of Bella. I find myself yearning to know more about her formative years.
What was Bella like before the vampires? Before the werewolves? Before the development of her intrusive and cumbersome breasts? These are the questions I hope to answer in my proposed prequel, Twilight: First Blood, a film that can only be described as a cross between Curious Yellow, Belle de Jour and The Hannah Montana Movie.
Act 1 – The Encounter In the Park
Enter a young Bella Swan, a charming brunette nymphet dressed in a flowing white gown. Like most girls her age, Bella is trapped in a sexual purgatory; she has the innocence and wonder of a child coupled with the budding desires and feminine charms of a woman.
While attending her 13th birthday party at a local park, something unusual stirs within her. Unable to focus on her friends and family, Bella finds herself inexplicably drawn to a mysterious man at the other end of the lawn. He is older, handsome and eastern European. As demonstrated by his paints, brushes and easel, he is an artist. As Bella approaches, the man grows nervous, and attempts to hide his canvas.
"What are you hiding?" the inquisitive girl asks.
Embarrassed, the mysterious man relents and shows Bella the painting. She is shocked to find that the man has painted her portrait in exquisite detail.
"Happy birthday, Bella," the man says, handing her the painting. "My name is Yeoman Joblanski, and we will meet again." With that, he vanishes, leaving Bella to return to the party.
Act 2 – The Metamorphosis
A month has passed, but Bella can not forget her encounter with Yeoman. She carries the folded portrait in her purse, pulling it out every so often to gaze at its beauty.
While on the playground at school, she once again decides to have a look. But while she is reaching into to pull it out, she loses her grip, spilling the bag’s contents onto the ground for all to see. Mixed in with her hair clips, chap stick, and other items is an unopened tampon. Bella is becoming a woman.
When the other children see the tampon, they begin to mercilessly mock and ridicule her. Bella’s eyes begin to well up with tears as she runs away from the crowd. The children give chase, screaming and pointing at the helpless girl. But just as it seems Bella is cornered, a man on a horse appears. It is the artist, Yeoman Joblanski! He lifts the girl onto the horse, and Bella clings tightly to his back as they flee into the woods.
"I told you we’d meet again."
Act 3 – Tragedy
After hours of riding, the pair arrive at the home of Yeoman’s close friend, Mack Mickelson, who is out of town. Yeoman carries Bella into the house and lays her to rest on a couch. He heads to the bathroom to draw her a bath. But when he returns, he finds that tragedy has struck!
During his absence, Bella accidentally downed a bottle of champagne, took some Quaaludes, and fell anus first onto a penis shaped television remote. To make matters worse, Bella’s mother has arrived, and has competently misinterpreted the situation.
Knowing that he will never be able to prove his innocence, Yeoman is forced to flee to a far-away land where people are more tolerant of artists. He spends his days wondering what might have been, and hoping that some day, he can return and once more and gaze upon his strictly platonic friend Bella…and possibly her prepubescent vampire daughter.