There are certain names that you never give a child unless you want them to be tormented for their entire life. If you name your kid Ephraim, you’re pretty much throwing in the towel for them, declaring that your child is most likely a mentally challenged doofus. And not that serious kind of mentally challenged where you feel really, really bad for the person, but that silly kind where you look at them and think “He’s so retarded it’s hysterical.” Naming your child Tucker is also pretty terrible, because with a such a shitty name like that everyone will assume he’s one of those precious little snowflake kind of kids whose parents believe he can do no wrong, and he’ll beat for it.
But those names are actually fairly normal. If you look at the world of celebrity you’ll find a series of bizarre baby names – everything from Kal-El (Nicolas Cage’s kid) to Moxie Crimefighter (Penn Jillette’s kid). Those names, while silly, make those kids sound eccentric at the very least, and that’s not even a bad thing. Truly stupid baby names, the ones that make you wonder if the parents are at all fit to take care of another human life, are rare.
Today we are presented with one such rarity. A couple from Hod Hasharon, Israel reached in to the bag of social media buzz words and pulled out the name of their new baby girl: they’ve named her Like, in honor of the Facebook “Like” button.
Facebook has been the social media outlet of choice for a few years now, and I guess in retrospect, it was only a matter of time before people started to apply the language of social media to their real lives.
“If once people gave Biblical names and that was the icon, then today this is one of the most famous icons in the world,” said the girl’s father, presumably only seconds before he impregnated his wife with triplets that are to be named Poke, Farmville, and Hashtag, which, like Prince, will be spelled out in the symbol form, #.
Quick word to new parents out there, or parents that are expecting a child: don’t be an asshole. Specifically, don’t give your children a name that will ferment in their minds and eventually, inevitably, convert them to assholeism. In this world where trends are fleeting, naming your child after a small, somewhat forgettable feature from a social networking site is essentially dating your child. Not dating as is courting your child. That would be gross. Dating as in listing to a hip-hop song from 1994, and you know it’s from 1994 because the rappers keep telling you its 1994, as if it will always and forever be 1994. Naming your child Like to honor the Facebook gods makes everyone instantly aware that your child is a part of a generation most known for frivolously wasting time on a website that gives them the illusion of a social life.
Like’s going to get poked a lot, and if Facebook is still popular when she’s in her late teens and early 20s, it’s inevitable that someone will ram a thumb in her orifices and think she’ll be impressed when they make a Facebook “Thumbs Up” Like joke. She roll her eyes, pop that thumb out of her, and proceed to plot her parent’s “accidental” demise.
Ultimately, though, the true horror isn’t that some Israeli couple named their kid Like, but that some degenerate couple with eggs and sperm powerful enough to spawn an army will hear this news and get to rubbing their junk together with the intention of having a child they will name Twit, in honor of both Twitter and the profound level of idiocy that child will most likely attain. Twit will be followed by Cupid, in honor of the dating site OKcupid, where the couple first met and exchanged their romantic first words via direct message: “I wanna plow your jizz box”.