Un-Lock Of the Weekend

Alright, this column is getting embarrassing. I’m 0-3 and last week I put down a “John Holmes’ Penis” sized bet on the piece of shit Ravens last week, so there’s gonna be a few people who won’t be getting Christmas presents this year. Mostly cousins. But one of them is in jail, so I don’t have to buy him shit anyway. Although my mom says I have to write him a “nice card.” Maybe he can use the card’s pointy edges to fend off gang rapes.

On to this week’s Un Lock:

JETS (+9) over Titans

Kellen Clemens is out and Chad Pennington is in. I realize this is not cause for celebration. It’s more like wiping bird shit off your face except doing it with the towel you use to clean up with after you masturbate. But 9 points is a lot of points and the Titans offense is led by Vince Young, who Tavaris Jackson refers to as “the guy who has trouble throwing.”

I could go into stats and break down the game, but I’m 0-3 and I hate everyone. And now after re-reading this column, I realized I’m counting on the Jets to win money. Here’s my deal with you the reader, if I lose this game this week, I’ll allow one of you all to submit your own titles for this column that will appropriately say how much of a loser I am. Thank you and Go Jets.

Record: 0-3

Money won/lost (-390)