Well, that time is here again everybody! Unemployment may be down, but that doesn’t mean everyone’s doing ok. For some of us, it’s time to panic about how you’re going to find the extra funds to purchase a few small gifts for your friends and family. You, of course, always have the option of making them something, but that generally stops being cute when you turn twelve. And unless you’re making high-end furniture for everyone on your list, it’s downright sad when you’re in your thirties. That leaves you one option: make more money. But you’re all like “How?!” And I’m like “Get creative, you unimaginative bore!” You could also, of course, follow this handy guide. There are options, you just have to be willing to sell your soul, or hustle like a low-level street thug. If you’re not willing to go the extra mile, then you probably hate your family and friends, in which case, good for you. For those of you who still have a heart left, let’s explore our options.
Seasonal Department Store Employment
This is probably the easiest one. Be forewarned, however, it is slightly soul-crushing. Head to your local Macy’s/Target/Wal-Mart sometime soon, fill out an application, and as long as you don’t drool on anyone involved in the process, you’ll fast on your way to making minimum wage. You’ll meet a wonderful array of bored housewives and high school kids that will have you wanting to end your life before post-Christmas returns start coming in.
If you’re sort of fat, and you’ve got a clean criminal record, you can probably score a job at a mall. That’s where the good money’s at. You’re protected by elves and you’ve probably got a comfy chair. If you have lived a less than savory life you’ll have to go rogue. That means advertising in the backs of local alternative newspapers as an adult party Santa.
If you live in a snowy climate, wander your neighborhood and find young kids carrying shovels who are doing the same. Threaten those kids with bodily harm for being on your turf. Scare them away and get to shoveling.
Nativity Scene Performer
Have you ever driven by a church around Christmas-time and seen a bunch of people hanging out in what looks like a makeshift barn? They’re playing out the birth of the baby Jesus! In the cold! They’re not getting any money, unless of course you donate to them. That’s why you can’t go the legitimate route on this one, you need to start your own. In your front yard. Find a few friends to play the wisemen, find a girl to play mary, and use a football for baby Jesus. Put a donation jar out front, and watch the dollars roll in!