(The ’90s, homey. You were either there or you weren’t. #dogsounds)
We’ve got some bad news and good news, folks. The bad news is, George Zimmerman won’t be fighting any of the opponents we suggested for his upcoming celebrity boxing match. The good news is, Zimmerman will be throwin’ fists with an opponent who is 1) genuinely kind of famous, and 2) a super-angry black guy. No, it’s not the Reverend Jesse Jackson, although I would pay any amount of money to watch a live Internet stream of that fight. As it turns out, the numb-nutted Floridian who shot Trayvon Martin will endure three rounds of punishment at the hands of gruff-voiced rapper/actor DMX.
Celebrity boxing promoter Damon Feldman confirmed the booking with TMZ last night, saying that the date and location of the fight will be announced next Wednesday. The 43-year-old DMX (real name Earl Simmons) had been lobbying hard for the gig, telling TMZ over the weekend:
“I am going to beat the living f**k out of him…I am breaking every rule in boxing to make sure I f**k him right up. Once I am done with him, I am going to whip my d**k out and piss on him…right in his muthaf**kin face. Zimmerman is a piece of s**t and that’s what he needs to drink.”
Let’s be real: DMX is batshit crazy. He’s been arrested over a dozen times, for everything from drug-possession to animal cruelty to attempted carjacking. He was arrested four separate times in 2013 alone, mostly for vehicular violations. Here’s a video of him running naked through a Detroit hotel last fall, God knows why:
The man’s not perfect, but he’s the closest thing we have to a hero right now. Smart money says that DMX will indeed put a hurting on Zimmerman, but if he loses, he should be forced to bleach his skin and live in Arizona under an assumed name. Something really white-sounding, obviously. Doug Wilkinson. Allan Schumer. Jerry O’Connell. Something like that, you know? Anyway, good luck, X.