When one of these morons gets up in my face about my football gambling, I simply reply, “well what about the time you screwed my cousin.” But, in case you have to defend yourself to someone besides my ex-wife, here are a few other upsides to having a football gambling addiction.
Football Gambling Encourages a Strong Work Ethic 
In most cases, an addiction is detrimental to a person’s career. We’ve all had to deal with drunks or junkies who couldn’t hold down their job because they were too busy getting high on a weeknight. But the fact that most football games are on the weekend means this addiction was tailor-made for the working man. Hell, I often find myself taking on overtime so I’ll have a great big check to gamble with come Sunday. And the fact that I usually lose twice the amount I’ve earned ensures that I’ll be back at the plant bright and early on Monday. After all, nothing motivates a man to work more than the prospect of losing his thumbs.
Plus, my bookie, Ron, is a crane operator over in the warehouse, so I have to go to work anyway if I want to get my parlays in on time.
Football Gambling Promotes Family Bonding
As mentioned above, some idiots will tell you that betting on football can tear a family apart. Well I know first hand that this is bullshit. My old man left my mom when I was just five-years old. I remember it vividly because it was the day after the Chiefs upset the Vikings (who were 13 point favorites) in Superbowl IV. I bet a lot of people lost their ass on that game.
Anyway, I didn’t see him again for 20 years, until one Sunday I wandered into a Legion hall that doubled as an underground sports book. There he was, crying his eyes out because a meaningless Bears’ field goal had screwed him out of $1500 in a square pool. From then on, we were inseparable…until two years later when they found him dead in the trunk of his car. The point is, if not for football gambling, I never would have been reunited with my father.
And just to drive the point home, I never much cared for my own son. I always thought he was kind of a fruit, so I tried to distance myself from him while he was growing up. But ever since my second wife tossed me out of the house, I’ve been crashing at his place. Now I see that little pillow-biter everyday, and I’ll be staying with him through the regular season, unless, god willing, I win big on some early college games. I can’t stand living at this bathhouse.
Football Gambling Prevents Other Addictions
Now, don’t get me wrong. I like to tie one on as much as the next guy. But am I an alcoholic? Hardly. Sure, I often drink until I black out, and I get the shakes if I even think about stopping. But the simple fact of the matter is that a true alcoholic will spend every last dime he has on booze. When you’ve spent all of your money betting the over, that simply isn’t possible. So if you’re looking for me on game day, you’ll never find me at some dive bar on skid row. I’ll most likely be huffing Pledge in the bathroom at BW3’s.
Football Gambling is a Form of Community Service
In there rare event that I come out a winner on a Sunday or Monday night, my adrenaline is pumping so hard that I usually can’t sleep. That’s why I like to unwind at a little place called The Box Office, the most upscale gentleman’s club in the Tri-State area. Once inside, I usually find myself drawn to a particular young lady by the name Fantasia. By the end of the night, she’s usually made off with most of my winnings. And I’d like to think that at least a portion of that money will go toward feeding and clothing her children. I’m assuming she has children because of the C-section scars.
Also, when ever I’m in there, I always see my bookie, Ron, blowing his money in the VIP section, so even when I lose, I’m giving something back to the community.
Football Gambling Encourages Diversity
It seems like you can’t turn on the TV these days without hearing some broad complaining about a lack of diversity. What a load of B.S. A black guy’s already in the White House. And despite the fact that my mom is probably spinning in her grave, I sold her old house to the Hernandez family. What more do they want, the shirt off my friggen back? Well I already lost it, so tough luck.
But if you want to see some real diversity in action, and not just some government mandated charade, you should take up football gambling. My bookie, Ron, is just a normal guy, but he pays out to a guy named Mort “The Nose” Fienstein. Do I gotta spell that out for you? And one time when Ron didn’t pay, Mort sent this big black dude named Lamar out to collect. Ron was lucky, though. My old bookie thought he was smart and decided not to pay out to the right people. The Russians got him. They found his body hanging next to the ducks over in some Chinatown butcher shop. And based pictures I saw on the news, the EMT who hauled his body away was some sort of Arab, or something.
So as you can see, gambling on football brings people from all races and religions together. So the next time some wise ass tells you gambling on football is a bad thing, you can call him a racist piece of shit for me.
Yea for gambling!