Today is the day you’re supposed to tell your girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife, how much you like them, hoping desperately they take the hint and willingly put your genitals in their mouth; maybe even in other holes, if you play your cards right.
Valentine’s Day can be a tricky day to navigate for some, but it doesn’t have to be. Take it from me, I know. I used to be a loser. But now, I get all the piss. And yes, that is a typo. I meant to type “pussy” and that dream went down in flames. I guess we’ll never know if I know how to type pussy.
Screw that sentence, anyway, Valentines can be tough, and I’m here to help. Today, I’ll be answering your questions about love, sex, relationships, and of course, Valentine’s Day. And by “your” I mean, “none of you.” It’s a bunch of questions asked by weirdos I found on Yahoo Answers.
First, you experience intense panic. Your heart beats frantically in your chest. You don’t say anything. After a couple of minutes you realize you are sinking in it. All the air has gone out of your lungs. You start to breathe in but you can’t; it’s too hard. And once you do, it burns as it begins to fill your lungs. Then you feel at peace, like this it was inevitable.
Or maybe it’s drowning I’m thinking of…
It’s because you’re a bitch. I hate calling women bitch, but you deserve it. All of your guy friends are probably gay. They hangout with you because gay men enjoy the company of bitches because bitches are catty and mean, you know, like you. Here’s a tip, bitch: no one wants to date the whiny bitch that says things like “Even the nerdiest girl in school is going steady with her equally lame boyfriend.” That sentence reeks of high school bitch, which, as I mentioned, is what you are.
And no, it’s not because you’re flat-chested.
When they’re hanging off a cliff?
Ha! I messed with your context.
Have you not heard of the ancient, mystical technique known as “Holding your hands out at an arbitrary distance”? It works pretty well. When she asks how much you love her, hold out your hands, palms open, as if you were an actor in a Subway commercial, or inquiring about the length of her penis. Follow this by saying “this much.”
You can get her pregnant, but your offspring will not be able to procreate, yet it will be able to carry many, many pounds of prospecting supplies up the rocky, winding mountain-side roads of California’s blisteringly hot Sierra Madre territory.
Oh, did he put the passcode on his phone? He’s a communist spy. You were right to suspect something. Only communist spies activate the passcode on their iwhathaveyous to protect their comrades from vodka-ing their nesting dolls to Kremlin their borscht.
I was going to give you some totally useless advice that was absurd and in no way applicable in real life, but since you requested it:
You should tell her that if she really feels like she’s put on weight, then she should do something about it. Tell her that the she’s wasting her time feeling sad about it when she can be using that time to exercise and get back in to shape. Offer to help her by working out with her, so she doesn’t feel alone and has some emotional support throughout the process. In the end, she’ll be as thin as she wanted to be, and you might even be in better shape.
See, if you don’t want a sarcastic asshole to make fun of your questions on a comedy blog, just ask.
First of all, I didn’t read anything after “Anonymous Note.” The reason being, anonymous notes are my specialty and that’s all I needed to hear. What you do is, get yourself a bunch of magazines, and cut out a bunch of letters from article headlines. Then, write out a short, 20-word or less confession of love, kind of like a Hallmark card, but with more, let’s say, force behind the words. After that, transcribe your note on to a clean sheet of paper by writing it out with the letters you’ve cut out of the magazines. (Buying a glue stick wouldn’t hurt!). Wait for it to dry, check it over for any DNA residue, like blood or semen, and send it off to your lucky gal!
You want’em, you got’em!
“Given what I’ve been through? I’d rather f*ckin’ die than do drugs.”
“Doing Abilify is like doing jumping jacks in a f*cking closet.”
“I have a brand and it’s called ‘crazy bitch’.”
“You wanna put it in me? I’m not a woman! I’m a f*cking force of nature! Your dick will fly right off!”
I suddenly realize you did not want Courtney Love quotes. I apologize.