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Video Game Review: QWOP Can Suck It

QWOP is a flash game that tells the tale of “our small nation’s sole representative at the Olympic games.” Also, it can suck it. Hard. It can suck all of the its, and it can do it in a very hard, rough, and sloppy manner that causes it to gag, cry, then die.

Like most internet flash-based games, the gameplay is simple, only requiring the use of a few keyboard buttons: Q, W, O, and P; hence, QWOP. The purpose of the game is to make your character run 100 meters. That’s it. There’s no shooting aliens or trying to use some wacky physics engine – all you have to do is run in a straight line…and it’s the most difficult thing you will probably ever attempt. QWOP isn’t a new game by any means, as it was originally released back in 2008, but it has recently experienced a bit of a resurgence on the internet, possibly due to the internet’s love for things that are ironically shitty.

Rather than simply supplying you with a single button to make your tanned foreign man run as if he were being chased by his home country’s resident rebel forces so they can slice off his genitals and rape his family, you have to use 4 separate buttons: 2 control QWOP’s thighs, the other two control his calves. This is what makes this game the digital equivalent of an anal fissure. I would love to explain to you the precise sequence of buttons you must hit to make QWOP-y boy run, but knowing that would instantly qualify me to work on a space shuttle. As you can plainly see, I am writing a review of the worst flash game ever created for a comedy blog, so, no; I have no idea what the sequence could be. All I know is if you punch those four keys randomly, in due time you will eventually find away to make QWOP’s leg lift up and fall back down about a half meter away from his body before the rest of him goes in to a neurotoxin-induced convulsive fit and he hits the ground like only a retard trying to walk on a frozen lake could.

If you happened to be flipping through the channels and caught a few minutes of an Olympic track running event and saw QWOP launch after the gun, you’d wonder to yourself why the Olympic committee is giving reanimated corpses a shot at Olympic glory. “Surely this is a sport for living people,” you’ll say, as you watch QWOP keep one foot planted on the ground as the other flails about in the air, slowly swooping back down under his body, passing his planted leg, before finally mustering up enough momentum to drive his face directly in to the spot on the ground where his foot should have landed. And all while the iconic “CH-CH-CH-CH-CH, HH-HH-HH-HH” opening of the Chariots of Fire theme plays in the background, just to drive home the fact that you are gloriously inept at hitting 4 buttons.

But that’s not the only uniquely idiotic start-off that you’ll encounter in QWOP. You may find that QWOP will instantly perform a split the moment the race starts. Or he’ll try to take a step forward and somehow find a way to collapse .9 meters backwards. Or the race will start and he’ll go from standing upright to hitting the ground as if he had just been chopped in the legs with an axe.

After about 15 minutes of playing my best running distance was 2.3 meters, and that only happened after I firmly planted one leg on the ground and used it as a launching pad to hurl myself in the air, ramming my solar plexuses in to the ground as if QWOP were a land dolphin trying to show off his leaping skills to tourists. My best looking failure came when I started randomly smashing keys and made QWOP’s legs shoot straight in to the air. Had I not been playing at the time, I would have sworn I just witnessed a man attempt to shove his head up his own ass…backwards…and while in mid-air. And he failed at it.

My 2nd best performance featured QWOP grinding his balls on the ground for 9 seconds for a grand total distance of 1.6 meters. Never before in the history of man has grinding your balls on the ground for 9 seconds gotten anyone second place in anything, even in ball grinding competitions, where 1.6 meters will get you a warm smile and a participation trophy.

QWOP is easily the one of the most infuriating and, for some goddamn reason, the most addicting games on the internet, without question. Never before has complete and totally failure on a truly spectacular level been such a strong selling point. Such is the existence of QWOP: a game so stupid and shitty that it’s actually kind of fun.

If you want to try it yourself, you can do that here.

When you ultimately starting hurling curse words at your monitor, you can come back here and watch this video of someone actually running all 100 meters.

This guy is clearly both an asshole and unemployed.

4 Responses to "Video Game Review: QWOP Can Suck It"

  1. Sloth says:

    There is a baby sucking his mother’s tit as the first suggestion after watching the video. SCORE!

  2. H8er says:

    Fuck that game. Grrrrr…..