I Vladimir Putin, Prime Minister of Russia.
I here to talk to you today about Russia and low birthrate. It appear that Russia have declining birthrate. Dis no good. Russian need many strong baby to hoist country up above all other country. Russia need be strong like bear, and quick like quick animal that is not strong like bear. We need baby. We need baby that will grow up to be strong human that can lift car above head and toss like hatchet in to brain of enemy.
I understand that wit bad economy women and family no want baby; they say baby too expensive right now. I say, open legs and let baby through! Husbands, pump babies in to ladies! Russia no good if Russia only have, like, five babies crawling in snow. We need many babies crawling in snow! Too many babies!
But, again, I understand that Russian man and woman no want too many baby. I do. But at same time, I cannot understand why you no want no baby. Baby cute when goo-goo ga-ga. Little baby poop cute and good for laugh. Is true, baby wake you up during sleepytime, but is precious moment you never forget.
Dis is why I, Vladimir Putin, am starting new anti-low birthrate program designed to make more baby.
I, Vladimir Putin, will pump baby in to all women of Russia.
Look at dis picture of Putin.
Ladies, imagine dis man pumping baby in to womb. Four-month later (Putin sperm very quick and agile) out come baby with no shirt and holding large gun, like papa. One year later, baby working fields and have three job while getting education in fine Russian college. Putin genes fast acting, like headache medication. And I pump in so many baby! Two baby? Nine baby? Whatever, baby! I pump you wit exact number of baby you can afford! NO LESS! Less baby illegal under baby plan!
Some ladies wondering if Putin will romance ladies before baby pumping commences.
You will lie back and let Putin pump preform its duties to make baby. If you say you want John Tesh to play in background as Putin pump for baby, I force sperm to make ugly baby. I can make all baby look like foot inside of butt; baby that cry when it look in mirror, thinking it has just seen Vodianoi, ugly and malevolent monster of sea.
So, if you want romance, I make baby so ugly Russian government give baby handicap parking space pass due to its debilitating ugliness.
Also, ladies, be prepared, for I will smell like innards of dead things. Putin spend so much time wit no shirt and living among animal that smell of dead animal has rubbed off as Putin sleep inside dead animal for warmth. As I pump, you will say, “Is animal dead?” And I will say, “Is only Putin’s natural musk. You like?”
If you no reply wit yes, guess what? Ugly baby!
There only three-percent chance baby end up smelling like dead things for all of life.
In closing, ladies of Russia, please, make vagina look like palace fit for king by time I commence wit pumping. Putin no want vagina that look like face of beleaguered mule.
And wit that final word of advice I leave you now so I can prime the juices in loins for all the pumping. Beginning tomorrow I, Vladimir Putin, will knock up Mother Russia, and I shall be henceforth known as Father Russia!