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Wait, What Happened?: April 25, 2011

We know you were probably really busy all last week preparing for Zombie Jesus to make his return, so we’ve compiled this list of news stories you might have missed.

Ok, Fine Taco Bell. You Can Continue Calling Your Meat Mixture “Beef”

The lawsuit against Taco Bell has officially been dropped. The mixture of sawdust, oatmeal, ground up cow parts and other found objects that Taco Bell has been calling “beef” was deemed worthy enough for the label. If the suit hadn’t been dropped, one can only imagine what Taco Bell would’ve called it’s brown, crumbly concoction. “Beef-like”, “Boof”, “Beef-esque”, “Brown Crumblies?” But regardless, Taco Bell consumers don’t give a shit what fills the burrito, because they’re drunk when they’re eating it.

Read the full article from the L.A. Times

One More Good Reason To Wear a Condom

Condoms generally suck, but these condoms will give you a raging boner. No jokes here, just sharing the great news.

Read the full article from the Wall Street Journal

The Terrorism Threat Alert System Is Getting a Makeover!

And thank you! That color system was soooo 2001! Do you remember it? That was when the U.S. was all like “Hey we should develop a terrorist threat level alert system. And let’s make it color coded so even mouth-breathing simpletons can get scared.” Well, that system is getting a makeover! But it’s description is so vague, it’s difficult to actually care. Basically, the biggest change is the length of time a threat level can last. So instead of every airport being at threat level “orange” for five years, it’ll spike for two weeks when someone decides to jam an M80 between their toes before they board their flight.

Read the full article from the Wall Street Jounal

Big Brother Apple Is Tracking Your Every Move

It was recently discovered that Apple’s most recent iOS is tracking and recording the location of your iPhone or iPad on a daily basis. If you’re cheating on your spouse, or you’re doing something illegal, that’s really bad news. But for most of us, it’ll just be a record of the places we’ve played Angry Birds. And for you Android users who were pointing and laughing when the news about Apple broke, Google’s doing the same thing.

Read the full article at O’Reilly

Wal-Mart Is Now Enabling It’s Homebound Customers. Feel Free To Keep Eating.

Wal-Mart is testing out a new home delivery service so those customers who are glued to their recliners with sweat and Dorito dust can remain loyal. But, yeah. You’re right. This is good news for the disabled and the elderly.

Read the full article from the Wall Street Jounal

Hide Ya’ Weed, Hide Ya’ Pipes!

Being a famous internet meme comes with almost as much bullshit as being a real celebrity. Anti-rape activist and child/wife protector Antoine Dodson got busted for marijuana posession.

Read more at TMZ

McDonald’s Makes 50,000 New Hires, Advances World Domination Plans

So McDonald’s went on a 50,000 job hiring spree last Wednesday. That’s pretty impressive considering the shape of the U.S. economy. That tells me that cheeseburgers may be the new steel. Once we figure out how to preserve them and ship them in less than 24 hours, the U.S. will finally have a profitable export again.

I have two theories on this: It may be a lame publicity stunt because McDonald’s knows that of the 50k hires, less than half will actually stay on the job for more than a month. OR it’s an attempt to kill all of America’s poor and desperate people by giving jobs with no health care and free Mc-meals, consequently giving them diabetes.

Read the full article at CNN.com

Twitter Users Tweet Themselves More

And by “tweet themselves” I mean masturbate. Not surprising, considering most frequent Twitter users are horny guys who are online all day and have incredibly short attention spans — That previous sentence was just a description of all the Holy Taco writers. We concur with the results of this study.

Read the full article over at The Independent

2 Responses to "Wait, What Happened?: April 25, 2011"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    Ouuu yeah. Nothing like finding a toe-nail clipping on your burrito.

    Finga-lickin’gewd!

  2. morterforker says:

    I don’t see anything wrong with cutting in some oats with the beef- stoners can’t tell the difference. now try cutting in some viagra in the coke…see what happens..