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Wait, What Happened?: May 1st, 2011

It’s that time again. If you spent the last week lost in the couch cushions, playing some new video game and trying to forget about your ex, Holy Taco is here to update you on all the most important events. Read this and you’ll have something to talk about when you’re stuttering your way through a conversation with the hot girl who works at the local convenience store.

Osama Bin Laden Is Dead

Can’t overlook this one, and if you didn’t hear this news, then you really need to go outside, or watch TV or get a phone or something. This is great news, but I just want to know if Donald Trump is going to ask to see Bin Laden’s death certificate.

Read about it over at the New York Times

Prince William And Kate Middleton Got Who Cares

Here’s another one we wanted to just leave out, but couldn’t. Some royalty tied the knot and a lot of (bored) people went bananas over it. Our invitation must’ve gotten lost in the mail. Probably a good thing though. The Holy Taco staff doesn’t know how to handle an open bar, and there’s no way we would’ve been able to afford a reasonable gift.

Read about it over at Telegraph UK

Playstation Network User Info Was Snatched By Hackers

A group of hackers broke into the network and gained access to members’ personal contact info. Sony told its customers to beware of phishing scams and to ignore any messages telling them to “go outside and do something productive.”

Read about it over at Venture Beat

Friendster Died a While Ago, But Now It’s OFFICIALLY Dead

Remember Friendster? That’s what people used to see how fat their friends from high school got before MySpace and Facebook came along. It was revolutionary, sure, but it just couldn’t keep up. R.I.P. friendster.

Read about it over at MediaBistro

Learn How To Cook And Clean, Gentlemen. Women Are Surpassing Us In Higher Education

This should come as no surprise to anyone. Women are smarter. Probably because they don’t spend the better portion of their day trying to find good internet porn. It’s easy to be productive when your day to day actions aren’t completely driven by your desire for boobs. Congrats ladies, you win.

Read about it over at Seattle Pi

A Guy Tried To Burn Some Gay People, But Burned Eight Horses Instead

People who are full of hatred are generally void of intelligence.

Read about it over at NY Daily News

Rupert Murdoch Is Trying To Sell MySpace For 100 Million Dollars

Because I guess he thinks glitter graphics and demo songs from failed bands are worth a lot of money on the interwebz. Good luck, Rupert.

Read about it over at Reuters

Obama Throws His Long Form Birth Certificate In Your Face, America

So people have been spending a lot of time and energy trying to figure out if Obama was born in the U.S., because you know, we like our presidents to be true Americans. Because this country was founded by true Americans. Americans who came over from other countries and killed the native inhabitants to become true Americans.

Luckily, Obama was able to dig up the proper paperwork. I don’t know what the big deal was. Who really knows where their birth certificate is? I think my parents threw mine away when they found out I was writing for Holy Taco.

Read about it over at The Daily Beast

Good News For People Who Want To Be Different, Just Like Everyone Else: The White iPhone 4 Has Been Released

Finally, you can have the same phone as all of your friends, but yours will be different. You’re not like everyone else. You’re unique and individual. Thank God your parents decided to bring you to full term.

Read about it over at the Associated Press

2 Responses to "Wait, What Happened?: May 1st, 2011"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    Osama’s death certificate. Hehehehe

  2. Lance Bass says:

    You missed JP2′s beatification.