Happy Memorial Day, Americans. Happy Monday to the rest of you. While many of you have the day off, our international staff of comedy writers was working hard to make sure you got what you came for — barely researched news stories with some really easy jokes. Enjoy.
Jeff Conway Dead At 60
Your parents knew him as a beloved actor, unfortunately, you probably knew him as a pill popping reality T.V. star. He passed away this past Friday due to complications from pneumonia.
via L.A. Times
Mark Zuckerberg Develops Thirst For Blood
Ruling the world via the internet is one of those things that makes you powerful, but doesn’t necessarily invoke an image of masculine power. So, Mark Zuckerberg decided he was only going to eat food he killed with his bare hands. Look out ladies, this man can debug your computer and take your fatted calf to slaughter, all while wearing the same dirty hoodie.
Not Even Bikinis Could Make Badminton More Interesting
Recently badminton officials made it a rule that women playing on the highest levels of the sport must wear skirts to look more "womanly." It was a move to make the sport more watchable for the upcoming Olympics in London.
via NY Times
Cancel Your Trip To Amsterdam, Bro
The Dutch government has officially banned tourists from their cannabis shops. Now you have to be a citizen if you want to get baked on their turf. Still probably totally worth doing. I’m pretty sure they’ve got free healthcare as well. And the hookers are still fair game.
California Is About To Get A Lot More Stabbey
The Supreme Court has decided to relieve prison overcrowding by releasing 46,000 inmates over the next two years. Great news for those looking to get carjacked more often.
via L.A. Times
Harold Camping Reschedules The Rapture
After feeling like a big ‘ol turd this past Monday, when the rapture didn’t happen, Harold Camping decided he’d misinterpreted the messages and got his dates mixed up. Mark your calendar for October 21st everyone. That’s the day we’re all going to point and laugh at Harold Camping for a second time.
via Seattle Times
Scott McCreery Will Soon Join The Ranks Of The Mostly Forgotten American Idol Winners!
Congrats to Scott McCreery, the baby-faced southerner with the super-deep voice has officially won the eighty-fourth season of American Idol. Ok, I know it’s not the eighty-fourth season, but it might as well be. I don’t care much about young Mr. Mcreery, but I do hope he’s the last American Idol winner ever.
via Today Show
Sarah Palin Rides The Bus
She’s gearing up for a presidential run and she’s trying to appeal to the "real people" by going on a country-wide bus tour. We’d be more impressed if she was doing the tour on the Greyhound, instead of the tricked out traveling home she’ll inevitably be using. If you want to get in touch, or get touched by, real "salt of the earth" folk, then a long bus trip is the way to do it.
via Real Clear Politics
Saudi Women Can’t Drive, Legally
Authorities in the forward-thinking country of Saudi Arabia are cracking down on a movement of women driving in protest of the law that doesn’t legally allow them to drive. The problem is the fact that Saudi Arabian men aren’t big drinkers, and therefore don’t need their wives or girlfriends to drive them home at the end of a solid night of raging. Saudi women, just get your men to drink more. Simple as that.
via New York Times
The Oprahcalypse Has Come And Gone
As difficult as it was to say goodbye to Oprah, we had to do it. But don’t fret, this may just be one of those Michael Jordan/Jay-Z/Brett Favre kind of retirement.
via E! Online