We’re Sorry About Making Everything Give You Cancer

There are moments in every person’s life when you need to take a step back, man up, and perform one of the manliest acts a person can perform: apologize.

This is what we are going to do today. We are going to take the high road and accept the responsibility for something that we did a while back that we’ve always regretted.

Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished congressmen that are reading Holy Taco right now instead of voting on important legislation, we are going to come clean: we’re the ones that made a bunch of cool stuff give you cancer.

Originally, we planned on taking this secret to the grave, but our guilt weighted heavy upon our shoulders. Last week this weight became too much to bare, as the world was once again stricken with fear due to the announcement by the International Agency for Research on Cancer—an arm of the World Health Organization – that cellphones have been classified as a category 2B cancer-causing carcinogen, ranking right up there alongside the controversial pesticide DDT and gasoline engine exhaust. And then, as if that weren’t enough, some studies coming out of China showed that pickles may be the cause of a number of types of esophageal cancers. Needless to say, last week was a bad week for us.

So, you know, we’re really sorry for making such cool things as iPhones and pickles give you cancer. It seemed like a really good idea at the time. We now realize that it perhaps wasn’t a very good idea. Like, at all.

At first, we started off slowly. We thought it would be funny if, you know, just for shits and giggles, we made microwaves give you cancer. We though it hilarious that this wondrous convenience of the modern age, a device that allowed food to be cooked faster (while making it soggier) also gave you humongous tumors. We thought it was just going to be a one-time thing. It wasn’t.

Once we found out we could make microwaves give you cancer, we decided to make power lines give you cancer, too. That’s just who we were at the time. We were young and stupid. We loved the irony of these great technologies making life easier, yet at the same time, making it so much harder, what with the tumors and the chemo and the dying and all. We weren’t thinking.

Even after making all of those things cancerous, we didn’t stop. We got power hungry and started making everything cancerous. We knew things were getting a little out of hand when we made artificial sweeteners like aspartame give you cancer. Again, we loved the irony in that. Sure, drinking all those diet sodas will help you shed some pounds while still allowing you to enjoy a sweet liquid treat, but those really big tumors in your stomach would balance that weight loss out a bit. We crossed a line the day we made artificial sweeteners cancerous, but just like many men and women before us, we were engulfed by our own madness.

Once we made pickles and most fermented vegetables cancerous…well…there was just no logical reason for that. Literally, none. And we didn’t even stop there. Like red meat? Colon cancer! Like getting a tan out in the sun? Skin cancer! Like thinking? Brain cancer!

Although, lung cancer caused by smoking was not us. Marlboro stole our technique.

We made everything give you cancer and we have no idea why. I guess that’s just what you do when you’re young. You do things just for the sake of doing them. Sometimes you hop on a skateboard and attempt to ollie a large staircase just ‘cause. Sometimes you shoplift something even if you can afford to pay for it just ‘cause. And sometimes you make things give millions upon millions of people a horrible sickness just ‘cause.

With all that being said, I would like to let you all know that there is more to come. Before we realized the error of our ways and stopped making innocent things give you cancer, we may have kind of sort of made some other things give you cancer – some things that some of you reading this now will probably get cancer from. Like, for example, reading words on your computer monitor? Yeah, eye cancer. Also – and we’re really, really sorry about this one – you know how you don’t want to get cancer? Yeah, we made that cancerous as well. I guess looking back on it we’re thankful we didn’t make wanting cancer cancerous, but all of you out there reading this thinking “Gee, I hope I don’t get cancer” will now probably get cancer in a couple of minutes.

Again, we’re all very, very sorry about making everything give you cancer. We can only hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive us. If you’re having trouble finding it in your hearts to forgive us, it’s probably because of all that cancer clogging up your heart valves. We’re not sure what exactly causes the heart valve cancer, but our best guess is really comfortable sandals.

So, in closing, we’re so very sorry.

But we had nothing to do with AIDS. That was Ted’s fault.