We Found It: The Worst Video On The Internet

Doing this job, you sift through a lot of shitty videos. Usually they fall into the category of “just bad,” but every once in a while, they fall into the category of “awkwardly amazing.” And then, there’s the one time where you realize that you have found the worst video on the Internet. This is that time. I was looking through cartoon theme songs just because I have no life, and I came across this. The levels of shitty in this video are, by all accounts, unprecedented. Let’s explain:

This is a “parody” of the credits to a cartoon called “Captain Planet” where (I think) five “planeteers” combine themselves to form Captain Planet. In the closing credits of the cartoon each of the Planeteers yells out what they are (Earth! Fire! Wind! etc) and then they sing a song about how Captain Planet is a hero.

What the maker of this video did was turn Captain Planet’s theme music into the world’s most embarrassing song about Michael Jackson molesting children. Without trying to understand why he did this, here is the full transcript:

Captain Planet Parody Lyrics:

ANAL!
DOGGY!
69er!
ORAL!
SPREAD EAGLE!

Gooooo Humpkin! (?)

All the positions combined I am a child molester.

Michael Jackson he’s a hero. Gonna take kiddies’ sperm count down to zero.

He’s a deepest, darkest nightmare. Touching little kiddies butt’s bare.

Michael Jackson, he’s a hero. Gonna take kiddies’ sperm count down to zero.

Gonna help him put his pillow underage kids so we can have a blow-ho.

“Please don’t touch me, Michael!” We’re the Never-ranchers. You can be one too! Getting molested and suing is the thing to do. S

ame age people is not the way, hear what Michael Jackson has to say.

I would really like to see this kid (man?) sitting in his mom’s basement and talking to himself as he was writing up these lyrics. It had to go something like this:

Captain Planet Parody Writer: OK, let’s see…let’s see here….what rhymes with “nightmare”…hmmm…what…rhymes…with… niiiiightmare….? Think, man, think. It needs to be hilarious….but not too over the top. Anal flare? No, too much, too much. Gay bear? No, but write that down, that could work for another one of my parodies. McDonaldland? No, that’s not a rhyme. Wait, I’ve got it! Butt’s bare! “Touching little kiddies butt’s bare.” That is parody genius right there. Yes! This shit is gold. Now it’s ready for the Internet!”

To understand the full context, here’s the original Captain Planet Theme Song.

Thanks to Big James for assisting in the transcription.