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We Get It. Nicolas Cage is Wacky. Enough Already

As a professional Person on the Internet, I see a lot of the same material time and time again. The world has become one big water cooler, and we’re all babbling over one another around it. This applies to our jokes as well. Imagine if a million people all told the same knock-knock joke at roughly the same time. Wouldn’t you get sick of that joke, even if it were really, really clever?

Ha, “clever knock-knock joke.” That’s a good one.

I’m feeling this way about Nicolas Cage everything — during my daily sacrifices to Zeus (I’m old-school yo), I pray that the rest of the world get over their fascination with his goofy ass as well. Thus far, my prayers have not been answered. Maybe Poseidon would be a better listener.

“For every NOT THE BEES joke people make, I will drown 500 puppies.”

In the beginning, it was funny: Nicolas Cage is the ultimate scenery-chewing actor, and watching him go over-the-top with just about every line he delivers, even if he really shouldn’t have, is pretty chuckle-worthy. But now the joke is old. He’s a quirky dude who clearly isn’t a fan of subtlety — we get it. Photoshopping his You Don’t Say face onto Mount Rushmore adds nothing to the conversation.

Though if you make him kiss George Washington, then we’ve got a love story.

You might recognize “putting one thing on an unrelated thing” as not a joke in and of itself. And yet people do it all the time with his mug, because we’ve now reached the point where you don’t have to watch his movies, research his context, tell an actual joke, or even know who he is to be one of the Cool Cage Kids. Just sticking his funny face somewhere is depressingly enough to garner yuks a-plenty.

Or sometimes, just plain yuk.

Or if you really want to prove yourself a comedic genius, stick funny Cage faces EVERYWHERE, like this guy did. He and his girlfriend pranked his Cage-hating buddy by taping over a thousand cutouts of Nicolas Cage all over his house. Family portraits, appliances, toilet paper, furniture, toys, diapers, clothes, and even food all bear the face of Cage.

Ham and eggs.

Naturally, the obligatory Imgur photoset has garnered over a million views, something that probably would not have happened if they had plastered, say, Dylan McDermott all over the place. And it’s not just because McDermott’s so bland nobody actually knows what he looks like unless they have Google Images right in front of them. It’s because “Nicolas Cage” is now a Pavlovian command: speak his name and the public shall readily laugh and applaud, possibly while drooling.

Besides, Cage is aware of your “ironic” love of his wackiness. At this point, he’s absolutely playing it up, knowing he won’t have to work too hard to promote himself or any future movies because the Internet will happily do it for him. You’re not exactly giggling behind his back anymore. Plus, anybody who mocks his intensity as proof that he’s “not a good actor” has no clue what they’re talking about. Cage is absolutely a good actor. He’s playing the part of Crazy Cage perfectly, and the Internet awards him an e-Oscar every day for it.

100 e-Oscars: only slightly more valuable than one Razzie.

With all that in mind, I would like to use my powers of persuasion (the same powers that made Marvel hire a director for Ant Man one day after I explicitly asked them not to), and declare a moratorium on Nicolas Cage references. If you have an actual new joke to make, fine. But it has to be new, and it has to be a JOKE. All of this “screencap of weird face Cage made in a 20-year-old movie. Funny out-of-context quote done in my best half-assed Cage impression. Lollzy bollzy!” crap shouldn’t cut it anymore.

And if you start running around screaming I’M A VAMPIRE, you better be a real goddamn vampire.

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