As birds and fish die by the thousands around the world, there is only one shining beacon that acts as an example of life flourishing en masse. Sadly, that shining beacon is found in Memphis, and it is not due to a nearly extinct creature experiencing a population explosion, but rather, a bunch of high school chicks putting out without the safety net of a condom; thus loading themselves up with babies the world doesn’t need.
The seats in the cafeteria of Frayser High School in Memphis, Tennessee should be retro-fitted with stirrups, because 90 of their students were pregnant this school year, which amounts to 11% of the entire student body – a student body that is currently experiencing labor pains and a late night hankering for fried pickles.
When reached for comment about the pregnancies, Memphis City School Board member Stephanie Gatewood said this:
“Noting that our young ladies absolutely did not get pregnant in the hallways of our schools”
She’s right. They didn’t. They did it the Southern way: drunk off daddy’s whiskey in the flatbed of a ’93 F-150 with the rhythm of Skynard’s Tuesday’s Gone acting as a metronome for perfectly timed romantic pelvic thrusts. It’s a tried and true sexual practice that some might call the rhythm method, but in Tennessee they call it the Rebel Yell. Get it? It’s because they’re southern.
While Gatewood’s comment may seem like a bit of a no-brainer, it is probably a bit of a letdown for Memphis’ large exhibitionist pedophile population that was seeking to finally finish high school while at the same time getting their rocks off atop the school seal.
The truly sad part of it all is that if there is ever a movie about a high school kid in Memphis that wants to get laid before he graduates, we’ll instantly know that movie is pure unrealistic bullshit. And if someone does make that movie, we’re calling the ending right now: it turns out he’s gay.