We Must Not Allow The Tyrannical Ground Hog To Control Our Weather Patterns!

Fellow lovers of empirical evidence-driven methods of weather prediction, I say we cast aside the shackles of weather predicting rodents and take hold of our own weather destinies by stripping the power from the hands of the weather tyrant known as Punxsutawney Phil and place this power back in to the hands of our Al Rokers and our local wacky weathermen and our large breasted models turned sexy meteorologists!

Join me in a crusade against the archaic superstitions of a small town in Pennsylvania and their evil rodent weather lord!

Our daily plans must not be at the mercy of a fat blob of fur whose opinion on the length of winter is based on nothing, yet whose opinion we honor and continue to give credence and devote attention to.

Folks, we all have stuff to do, and I think we would all prefer to do those things without the ramblings of a deranged squirrel in the back of our minds, making us wonder if there truly will be 6 more months of dreary coldness ahead. We deserve to be given a report on a day-to-day basis on the status of the weather and how it will be today, possibly even tomorrow, and, to push the boundaries just a bit, what the weather will be like throughout the week, so that we may plan a trip to Disney. And all of this prognostication must come not from a thing that doesn’t know how to leap out of the path of a moving vehicle, it must come from people that we kind of don’t trust because for all of our lives we been told not to trust anything the weatherman says.

But if you’re like me, you’d rather get information from an untrustworthy human than a clueless woodchuck, because Wikipedia just informed me that ground hogs are woodchucks. And, as we are all well aware, woodchucks cannot chuck wood, so why should we allow them predict our weather if they can’t even perform the simple act of chucking? Sure, a woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could if a woodchuck could chuck wood, but the real question here is, would a woodchuck chuck wood if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I think not, for the woodchuck, aka the ground hog, is nothing more than a lazy attention hog (pun!) that subsists on the glory we have given it with our yearly weather predicting rituals.  The truth of the matter is, the ground hog is wants all the glory and wants to perform none of the work needed to achieve that glory. Therefore, we should no longer fawn over the opinions of the ground hog.

I believe I’ve made my point clear.