Last night was Halloween and that meant, unless you were responsible with your real estate wheelings and dealings and got a home in an apartment or in the deep woods protected by ravenous hounds, children you didn’t know showed up at your door and expected you to give them candy. You didn’t owe them this candy, you weren’t indebted to them for anything, and the whole event was a curious societal convention that predates you and you had been thrust into. That didn’t mean you could opt out – a surefire way to determine who is an asshole in your neighborhood is to see who just shuts their lights off on Halloween.
As you dropped those fun-sized Snickers into the bags of strange children, you likely noticed a vast array of different costumes and each costume told a story – not about the character it depicts or even the child wearing it, but the parent who allowed that child to wear it.
Mommy’s precious angel has grown up in a bubble of an anti-feminist rhetoric and women making sandwiches all day long whether anyone is hungry for them or not. In 2011 if your little girl really wants to be a ballerina, a fairy princess or Rapunzel it means they have no idea of the mad sexual politics going on in this world. You can safely assume this girl’s dad has a chair at home that only he can sit in or that her mother has lead a depressing life and is now trying to live vicariously and wholly fictitiously through the hopes and dreams of her daughter.
The classic movie monsters – Dracula with his widow’s peak or Frankenstein with the neck bolts, are from a bygone era when scaring people could be done with mood and ambiance rather than night vision footage of assholes sleeping and dumb crap jumping at the camera, which is not actually scary but startling, and cheap as $3 hooch.
The child wearing this costume has controlling parents who hate your baggy pants and rapping hippy hoppy music and know that there’s too much crime in this world and it’s probably the fault of that Marshall Mathers boy. They want their child to have fun, but it must be structured fun – scheduled play dates and enriching activities, one hour of television per night after homework. Masturbate only in the shower.
A child dressed as a modern movie maniac has far more liberal parents, the kind who eschew societal restraints like film ratings based on terribly gory violence and random, floppy boobies being stabbed with machetes. They let their kids play Xbox games like Mafia II and can’t figure out where their lighters keep disappearing to.
Mom and Dad aren’t super bright and may or may not routinely have key parties that require the little ones to have a few Nyquil shots before the babysitter takes them for the evening.
Nothing beats a good Spongebob or Timmy Turner costume, except for anything not already hyper saturated in sugar and Technicolor as to make you queasy. The Nicktoon costume is the last, laziest hope of the costume hunter whose child sits in front of the TV as much as you sit at a desk in the office.
Mom and Dad took their little Jimmy neutron to Wal Mart about a month before Halloween and let him roam the aisles yelling “I want that!” at everything until he was too hoarse to upgrade again and settled on the last thing he picked out, along with a family-sized bucket of potato salad and a handful of bargain DVDs starring Christian Slater. There’s a high likelihood that one half of this couple will be in the bathroom brushing their teeth while the other is sitting on the toilet.
Ahh, the adorable little monkey. Or lion. Or lady bug. Yes, this child’s parent sees in them a natural innocence they want to nurture, preserve and foster into something beautiful. It won’t last, the monkey will make jokes with his friends about throwing poo, the lion will ponder eating a pirate and the lady bug is a stinking insect and will always feel inferior for the rest of her life. The parent will blame themselves and put the kid in therapy which will open a whole new can of worms about how mom is a control freak and dad cares more about football than feelings. These parents are ruining their childrens’ lives.
These parents didn’t want to have children and still don’t.
Parents who opt to purchase sexually alluring costumes and then dress up their preteens in them are what are known in most circles as “assholes.” The reason a fully matured human being allows a 10 year old girl to wear heels, fishnets and a bustier as part of a cat costume is because that adult probably enjoys breakfast that has to be fermented in a barrel and has likely appeared in Maury Povich at least once already. These are the sorts of people who let their kids smoke pot at home because at least they know what they’re up to and maybe will sleep with their kids’ friends when they’re 18. Or so.
Lame Face on Chest Costume
The best parent a kid could hope for, the mom or dad who puts their kid in an old school costume that inexplicably features an image of the supposed character in question on the costume is the kind of parent who says “Sure, I’ll take you out on Halloween and your treats will be sugar-laden while my treat will be the hilarious memory of you dressed like a fool.”
This happy go lucky parent looks at raising children as an outlet for perfecting numerous jokes they’ve never had an audience for, and someone on whom they can blame farts in public. But at least they’ll never leave the kid at a highway rest stop while they make a meth run like those last characters.