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What Back to School Means to You

If you are not a silly child, or in possession of such things, then back to school hype is meaningless to you.  You don’t need a lunch box or a pencil case or…what else do kids have?  Sugar beets? I dunno.

Before you dismiss back to school time out of hand, take stock!  There’s more to this time of year than just school buses interfering with your early morning drag racing.


All the lines you got used to in the summer just changed.  Shit.

Lines suck, that’s a fact of human life but if we don’t form lines then we have anarchy and we’re no better than a bunch of rowdy honey badgers.  In the summer you have lines for water slides, lines at movie theaters in the friggin’ day time, lines to get to the bathroom at the beach.  All those lines are gone now and instead there are lines to get shit at Wal Mart because everyone is buying those damn sugar beets.

The world is adapting itself to where parents and kids are.  It sounds great at first that the lines are gone from the beach but the problem is the beach is closed and those matinee lines at the theater are gone because they don’t bother showing matinees anymore so if you skip work all you can do is drink, not watch Batman.  So lame.


Back to school is very hard to wring any fun from, so you better try your hardest.  The most notable source of fun for you, a non student and non parent is this – school doesn’t always mean grade 3.  Who gives a shit what third graders are doing?  Did you know everything from grade 6 down just exists to make kids go away for the day?  No one learns anything in those grades.  Did you?  What, addition?  Only the most foolish of children are born without an innate understanding of math at a 6th grade level.

No, the point that needs to concern you is that college is also  back in session and that means, if you live in a college town, and you should, that the population just increased by thousands.  Thousands of shiftless, sexually demented kids who are over 18 and like to party.  If you ever planned on being a creep who drinks and parties with people far too young, this is your chance.  That first week of school, those kids don’t give a shit what’s going on.  You could pretend to be a student, they’re never going to know.  And it’ll really liven up your Facebook feed because the pictures are probably better than whatever crap you have there now.  Admit it you have crap.  You don’t even have a family, what are you posting pictures of?  Fishing trips?  God.  Stop that.

Depression and/or Death

Schools that start in August notwithstanding (that’s so backward and wrong) most schools come back in September after Labor day.  What else starts happening in September?  Autumn.  And autumn means shitty weather.  Cold wind and shitty colored leaves and morbid depression.  Unless you live in someplace delightful and sunny in which case you’re awful.

For people who live further from the equator, the coming of fall is the coming of terror and rancid times.  It means winter is just around the corner, winter being the shittiest of all seasons.  Seriously, snow?  It’s just cold shit laying around.  There’s no bikinis, no barbecues, no hanging out and having fun outside because if you try you’re going to die.  Do you know how many people die from just sitting outside in the summer?  Not many.  Do you know how many would die if they sat outside in the winter?  All of them, eventually.

Do children cause winter.  You would argue that they don’t, but have you ever heard a scientist confirm that?  Probably not.

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