The birthday gift that you give to your girlfriend says a lot about your relationship, and there's no way that you can avoid sending a message, no matter what you decide to give her. With that in mind, we've created a helpful guide that will assist in determining what message your next gift will send.
1. The Practical Gift
What It Really Says: "I'm so comfortable that you that I don't care about impressing you, or being even remotely exciting in any way."
The practical birthday gift says a lot about your relationship. You're both far too comfortable with one another, and while you both may have been in relatively good shape when you first started to date, any resemblence of the old you is now hidden behind layers of fat and body hair. You can't remember the last time you had sex, and have obviously been together far too long to really give a shit about giving a gift. The only good thing about the shower radio you're giving her is that she can use it to drown out the sound of you taking a dump while she's in there.
Examples: Cooking Supplies, Small Appliances, How-To Books, Closet Organizers
2. The Expensive Gift
What It Really Says: "I'm trying to buy your love, because that's all I can do."
The expensive comes as a result of one of two scenarios: either she's fucking someone else, and you know it, and you're desperately trying to win her over with lavish gifts, or she's way our of your league and your over-compensating. Either way, you're not getting laid, and it's going to be over between the two of you soon. Besides being sad and pathetic, it makes the rest of us look bad, kind of like that asshole third wiseman that brought gold to the frankinscence and myrrh party. C'mon, dude. Bad Form!
Examples: Real Jewelry, Major Appliances, Cars, Houses, Dinners with a Celebrity (C-List or Above)
3. The Homemade Gift
What It Really Says: "Not only can I not afford to buy you even a cheap thoughtful gift, I also might be mentally retarded."
Well, isn't that cute? You made her a card out of macaroni and glue! Congratulations, man. You just confirmed all of her friends' suspicions that you're cheap, and possibly mentally retarded. And while you may have gotten to second base with her once a long time ago, the weekly shopping trips you take together are going to become more platonic and/or mother-and-childlike, until eventually she starts signing you up for remedial math classes at the local community college. The good news is that you'll probably pass the class with flying colors. The bad news is that she'll see you as a retarded friend who passed a remedial math class.
What It Really Says: "Y'know what would help me to be more attracted to you? If you weren't you anymore."
If a girl buys some lingerie or something kinky, or if she specifically asks you to buy it for her, then she's just in the mood for some fun. But if you buy it for her, unpropositioned, then the only message you're going to send is "I'm bored with you." She's never going to react the way you thought she was, and most of the time she'll probably argue that sexy lingerie is really more of a gift for you than for her. And she's right about that. If you're thinking that you can go the other way with this, and get a tight leopard-print banana hammock to spark your lady's interest, you're wrong about that too. The only person that would ever welcome a banana hammock is a guy who, due to some horrific accident, was turned into a giant banana, and is in the mood for a nap. Obviously, Sleepy Banana Man doesn't really exist, and therefore nobody likes banana hammocks.
Examples: Lingerie, a Costco-sized tub of Bubble Gum Flavored Lube, a Dildo, Porno Movies.
5. The Pet
What It Really Says: "I think that sharing responsibility for another life is a good way to take our relationship to the next level, but I'm too stupid to realize that I'm actually giving you an adorable, fuzzy competitor for your affection."
So you've decided to buy your girlfriend a puppy. Your intention was to take the relationship to the next level, and show her that you could assist in caring for another life. Afterall, taking care of a puppy together is just like taking care of a child together, except that eventually you can train the puppy to stop shitting on the floor. Unbeknownst to you, the Yorkie-Poo you just forked over $1300 for has become your worst nightmare. If you were having sex before, you sure as hell won't be now. Your nights and weekends will now be planned exclusively around the dog's shitting schedule, and you will slowly fade out of the picture, as her time (and capacity for love) will be completely occupied by the dog, the dog's little doggie friends, the dog's facebook page, and the time and effort that she has to put into picking dingleberries out of the dog's matted ass fur.
Examples: Puppies, Kittens, Iguanas, Tarantulas, Chinchillas, Sugar Gliders, Any Other Animal That Won't Probably Die Within Two Weeks
Lets face it everyone, A woman is incapable of getting a good gift. First off on the notion that if you dont even really know what you want in the first place, how can you even know what a good gift is. I would suggest a "birthday date". This is like any other date except this time its all about her. your gonna spent a ass load of cash, and but at least you can both get drunk and might have a shot of some Birthday sex. It will work better than getting her a snuggie and hoping she will ask to cuddle in it.
You're right - the more a guy treats girls like dog shit, the sexier they think he is. Ladies, he's not daring or confident or a rebel, he's just an asshole. Try finding a guy who's somewhere between "arrogant fucking prick" and "wussy momma's boy". They do exist, I promise. And stop telling guys that all you want is a "nice guy who treats me right". We'd have a hell of a lot more respect for you if you were just honest and told us you wanted to have dirty porno sex with a bad boy who pounds your brains out every night until you turn 29. We still love you all, but stop bullshitting us and yourselves. I implore you.
Oh, I know the DESIRE lasts past age 29, but it's also the age cut-off for most women to stop having frivolous sex flings with ass clowns who treat them like garbage and start looking for someone to settle down with. Sorry to be blunt, but it's the truth. The point I was trying to make was that most women will never admit this (to themselves, or to anyone else) and will instead try to convince themselves and everyone else that all they want is a "nice guy". We get it, bad boys are sexy and nice guys aren't. It would just be nice to meet one or two women who would admit it freely instead of trying to bullshit around it, that's all.
Oh come on people, how hard is it to pay attention to what your girl is interested in? I know the whole point of having a girlfriend is that you get to fuck us, but take a minute and look around her room while you've got her bent over and see what kinda stuff she likes. geez.
Sexy gifts are bad because inevitably her friends/family will ask you what you got her.... but if she can say "pearl necklace" with a straight face, it might work.
I think the greatest gift you can get for your girlfriend is a certificate for pampering at a local spa, once a week for 16 weeks. Somewhere where she can get a pedicure, nails and a massage done at. Remember to preschedule all 16 appointments for Sundays. You will not only show that you want her to feel good about herself but you will also have sundays free to watch as much football as you want in your boxers without having the nag around. LOL! We love you women but we also love our football. "i will scratch your back if you scratch mine" 16 weeks at a spa= Roughly $1200.00. The hidden gift behind the actual gift= Priceless
(40 Comments)
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June 3rd, 2009 at 11:27 am
So whats the idea of a good birthday gift?
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Penis?
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:33 pm
"Penis: it does a girl's body good"
"There's always room for Penis"
"Penis: the other white meat"
June 3rd, 2009 at 05:22 pm
Unless you're black.
June 4th, 2009 at 05:03 am
... and don't have vitiligo.
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Lets face it everyone, A woman is incapable of getting a good gift. First off on the notion that if you dont even really know what you want in the first place, how can you even know what a good gift is. I would suggest a "birthday date". This is like any other date except this time its all about her. your gonna spent a ass load of cash, and but at least you can both get drunk and might have a shot of some Birthday sex. It will work better than getting her a snuggie and hoping she will ask to cuddle in it.
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:30 pm
dick in a box
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
every girl needs a pistol
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Yeah, she watches a scary movie one night, you come home early and get shot in the dick, no thanks
June 3rd, 2009 at 08:31 pm
True, I would aim directly for the crotch.
June 4th, 2009 at 09:46 am
Hahaha, yeah that's the one thing I'd be worrying about too.
June 3rd, 2009 at 01:31 pm
I gave my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. I thought-if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself...
June 3rd, 2009 at 03:07 pm
so true!
June 3rd, 2009 at 03:36 pm
At least it would be if he actually had a wife.
June 3rd, 2009 at 01:32 pm
The best gift a guy could ever get for me is a book I would enjoy. Seriously.
June 3rd, 2009 at 08:27 pm
Booooring ... wouldn't you like an 24" rubber fist attached to an 18 volt power drill instead?
June 3rd, 2009 at 09:35 pm
18V drill? lame.... you know they don't call it cummings diesel for nothing.
June 3rd, 2009 at 01:44 pm
dont get them anything and treat them like shit. usually keeps them coming back for more. Sad but we all know its true.
June 4th, 2009 at 02:28 am
You're right - the more a guy treats girls like dog shit, the sexier they think he is. Ladies, he's not daring or confident or a rebel, he's just an asshole. Try finding a guy who's somewhere between "arrogant fucking prick" and "wussy momma's boy". They do exist, I promise. And stop telling guys that all you want is a "nice guy who treats me right". We'd have a hell of a lot more respect for you if you were just honest and told us you wanted to have dirty porno sex with a bad boy who pounds your brains out every night until you turn 29. We still love you all, but stop bullshitting us and yourselves. I implore you.
June 4th, 2009 at 08:27 am
SOMEbodys whining like a little bitch......
June 5th, 2009 at 01:32 am
Maybe you should re-read the comment. I think you missed the point.
June 4th, 2009 at 08:32 am
now THAT is a comment!
As a recently single "30-something" I can tell you that desire lasts far past 29.
June 5th, 2009 at 01:37 am
Oh, I know the DESIRE lasts past age 29, but it's also the age cut-off for most women to stop having frivolous sex flings with ass clowns who treat them like garbage and start looking for someone to settle down with. Sorry to be blunt, but it's the truth. The point I was trying to make was that most women will never admit this (to themselves, or to anyone else) and will instead try to convince themselves and everyone else that all they want is a "nice guy". We get it, bad boys are sexy and nice guys aren't. It would just be nice to meet one or two women who would admit it freely instead of trying to bullshit around it, that's all.
June 3rd, 2009 at 03:54 pm
Oh come on people, how hard is it to pay attention to what your girl is interested in? I know the whole point of having a girlfriend is that you get to fuck us, but take a minute and look around her room while you've got her bent over and see what kinda stuff she likes. geez.
June 3rd, 2009 at 08:53 pm
What's the point of having her bent over if I'm going to be looking around the room?
I only look around the room when I'm casing the place.
June 4th, 2009 at 04:11 pm
let's see.. juicy vagina, bookcase. Hm... touch choice
June 3rd, 2009 at 06:41 pm
I got my girlfriend the best gift last year.....
I genetically engineered a longer more wiggly gerbil and taught it how to sort change. I dare say it fits into every one of these categories.
June 3rd, 2009 at 10:28 pm
The only way that could be remotely sexy is if you two are into gerbilling. That's fucked up dude.
June 3rd, 2009 at 08:10 pm
The slippers and dildo comment has my vote for comment of the week.
June 4th, 2009 at 05:01 am
You're shitting me, right? That gay-ass attempt at humor is older than the tar pits.
June 4th, 2009 at 04:14 pm
must say i agree, very nice
June 3rd, 2009 at 09:06 pm
Sexy gifts are bad because inevitably her friends/family will ask you what you got her.... but if she can say "pearl necklace" with a straight face, it might work.
June 4th, 2009 at 05:35 am
Treat a special friend with the gift of Double D Boobs...
June 4th, 2009 at 04:07 pm
no thanks i like to sleep on my stomach sometimes
June 4th, 2009 at 07:36 am
accidently gave the exact same gift 2 years in a row. didn't go over well.
June 4th, 2009 at 07:51 am
How about a card that says: "Cook something YOU like for dinner tonight!"
June 4th, 2009 at 05:54 pm
I much prefer the "Lets have sex while actually facing one another"
June 5th, 2009 at 01:47 pm
Hot birthday with hot ass dances
June 5th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Um, why not just ask her what she wants?
October 18th, 2009 at 06:40 am
I think the greatest gift you can get for your girlfriend is a certificate for pampering at a local spa, once a week for 16 weeks. Somewhere where she can get a pedicure, nails and a massage done at. Remember to preschedule all 16 appointments for Sundays. You will not only show that you want her to feel good about herself but you will also have sundays free to watch as much football as you want in your boxers without having the nag around. LOL! We love you women but we also love our football. "i will scratch your back if you scratch mine" 16 weeks at a spa= Roughly $1200.00. The hidden gift behind the actual gift= Priceless
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