You can learn a lot about a girl by what kind of pet she has. Whether it’s a dog, a parrot, or a goldfish, her pet sends a particular message, but what she thinks it says and what it actually says can be vastly different. Here’s what her pet really says about her:
What She Thinks It Says: I’m not like those other girls with their tiny, yappy dogs. I’m a strong, confident, independent woman who’s making it in a man’s world.
What It Really Says: I want a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend.
What the Pet is Thinking: "Please stop using me as a body pillow and grinding on me in the middle of the night. I’m not your boyfriend! I just want to lick my balls in peace."
What She Thinks It Says: I’m not just adorable, I’m really adorable. I’m so adorable, that I have a living accessory. All the cool people are doing it. I’m just like a famous celebrity!
What It Really Says: I want to be exactly like Paris Hilton, so if you’re looking for a stupid, annoying, talentless slut (with a little dog), I’m your girl!
What the Pet is Thinking: "If that purse that she carries me in is full of used condoms again today, I swear to God I’m gonna bite her on the tit."
What She Thinks It Says: I’m responsible enough to care for another living creature, but I don’t want to have to pay a lot of attention to it. That’s why I have an animal that I could potentially leave alone for a few days, and it would be just fine.
What It Really Says: I don’t like having guys spend the night at my house, so I adopted one of Nature’s Ninjas to scare off any non-regular visitors, using a razor-sharp pounce attack in the middle of the night.
What the Pet is Thinking: "C’mon, Dude that I’m not Familiar With, show me something dangly. I dare you!"
What She Thinks It Says: Fish tanks are so sexy. I know this is just a small glass bowl, but it still oozes sex. This fish depends on me, and if it lives past the first day, people are going to know that I’m responsible enough to take care of another life.
What It Really Says: One time I had sex with a biker in the parking lot of a county fair, and then he spent $26 winning me this goldfish to remember him by. I forget his name, but I call the fish Nemo.
What the Pet is Thinking: "This whore hasn’t fed me in six days! My water looks and smells like a f*cking sewer! Also, I think I just swallowed my own turd. F*ck!"
What She Thinks It Says: Gerbils are cute and easy to take care of. Plus, it’s like an awesome throw-back to my childhood. People are going to think this is so cool!
What It Really Says: I have chosen to purchase the most questionable pet available in the nearest pet store.
What the Pet is Thinking: "Alright, I’ll crawl into this tube one more time, but if it leads into your asshole again, I’m never going back in. Ever. I mean it this time."
What She Thinks It Says: I enjoy having a pet that’s interesting and intelligent. I’m an exotic person, so I have a pet that reflects my personality.
What It Really Says: My grandpa died recently. He was known locally as "Crazy Bird Guy", so he left me a temperamental shit machine to remember him by.
What the Pet is Thinking: "Squawk! F*ck You! F*ck You! Squawk!"
What She Thinks It Says: Look at how cute and playful I am! I have a novelty pet for children! How hip is that?!
What It Really Says: I’m 8 years old.
What the Pet is Thinking: "Hey, Other Sea Monkey, do you think we look like sperm? ‘Cause I really think we look like sperm. I wonder if this girl realizes that she basically has a tub of sperm in her bedroom. That’s pretty gross. I’m not even a person, and I would be freaked out if I went into some girl’s room and saw a tub of sperm sitting there. That’s just nasty. Like, if I could throw up right now, I totally would. This would look like a tub of sperm and sperm-vomit if we could all throw up."