Explore Holy Taco

What Her Sex Excuse Really Means

If you’re anything like us, you’ve raked in a lot of experience almost having sex over the years, and there’s a good chance that you’ve heard almost every sex excuse in the book. But have you ever thought about what all those sex excuses really mean? Well, we have:
 
"I’m Too Tired."
 
This classic excuse is intended to invoke sympathy and compassion. She’ll probably say something about how she has a "big meeting" tomorrow, or about how she "is really sore from the gym today", and is in no mood to attend Humptoberfest tonight.

What It Really Means: You’ve been slackin’ off in the sack lately, and she’s losing interest.  If you had a dog that demanded to be petted before it would let you go to sleep every night, you’d eventually grow to hate that f*ckin’ dog. Now imagine if that dog also wanted to jump on top of you, put its penis inside of you, and paw you all over like a blind bear in a honey factory. You’d kill that f*ckin’ dog.
 
"I’m On My Period/Forgot to Take My Pill."
 
 
Your girl is relying on your complete ignorance of her anatomy to avoid sexual contact, and she’s doing it for good reason: you know absolutely nothing about the female reproductive system.  What the hell does a fallopian tube do? What do periods have to do with moon cycles? Where exactly do babies come from? You don’t know the answers to these questions because while your gym coach was teaching sex education for a week in junior high, you were busy thinking of what embarrassing yet hilarious question you could get the coach to read out loud at the end of class.  
 
What It Really Means: Since this excuse is a tried-and-true favorite, it’s often difficult to discern the real reasoning behind her reluctance to give up the ol’ nappy dugout, but it probably has something to do with the fact that your balls smell like wet garbage. Do something about that. Seriously.
 
"I’m Not Ready For That Yet."
 

This is an excuse that you should only encounter early in a relationship, meaning within the first three days or so.  She’ll present the excuse as if she really does like you.  In fact, she likes you so much that she finds herself thinking about you more seriously than she expected at this point, and she just doesn’t want to make the mistake of jumping into anything too fast. Sounds admirable, right?
 
What It Really Means: She’s buying time until she’s decided if you’re the kind of asshole that she’ll feel the least awkward waking up next to.  Just try not to be too much of a dick for the next day or two and see how it goes.  Honestly, though, if she hasn’t decided after three days, she’s confused and indecisive and you should just move on.
 
"I’m Married."
 
 
The good thing about this excuse is that it always comes up right when it’s time to give her the ol’ penisillin injection. She’ll be in your bed, naked, sweating all over your sheets and muting the Futurama episode that you turned on to set the mood, and then she’ll remember that she has a legally-binding obligation to some other dude.
 
What It Really Means: Literally, it means that she’s married. For your purposes it means that, if you can keep her where she is for about two or three more hours, you’ll get a pretty good one-night stand out of it and then you’ll never see her again.  In other words: it’s perfect.
 
"You Have to Pay First."
 
This is a confusing sex excuse that can mean any number of things.  It could mean that you’re soliciting a prostitute.  It could mean that you purchased bride from overseas, and the company is still waiting for your check to clear. It may also mean that you’ve fallen in love with a woman who’s trapped in a vending machine for some reason or another. There are just too many potential meanings to list.
 
What It Really Means: This is the best sex excuse a guy can get, because it’s the only excuse in which your girl is directly telling you how to gain unrestricted access to her Temple of Doom.  With this excuse, she’s very clearly saying: if you give her money, then you will get sex. Sure, getting the money may not be easy, but she’s done as much as she possibly can to make your game plan crystal clear: if you want to have sex with her, you have to give her some money. It’s as simple as that.
 

47 Responses to "What Her Sex Excuse Really Means"

  1. Ace says:

    I used to believe that women were calm and charismatic creatures. I know how horrible it may sound, but it’s reasons like these that I’ve begun to treat women like objects. I can’t help but rant about it in my blog ( acewaverly.wordpress.com ). Does that make me a bad person? Probably, but fuck it, I’m jaded.

    ~Ace

  2. sexycamgirl says:

    I feel that most women are looking for that ultimate relationship and most men now a days can not commit. It is our society that brings people together and the lack of our society trusting each other is a serious thing now a days. Before you could sleep with someone and no problem now a days there is stalking and possesion. Men think they own women and vice versa and the violence has increased.

    http://www.slh4u.com

  3. camgirl says:

    I have experienced this many times over. I think today the sexual drive to want people to engage in sex more frequently is gone most don’t have the time and the others just don’t want it. http://www.livewebcamgirlsnaked.com

  4. Anna says:

    “Make her prove it” OMG! I would bitch-slap him with my used tampon…”There you go, babe”

  5. Samantha says:

    “Honestly, though, if she hasn’t decided after three days, she’s confused and indecisive and you should just move on.”

    Hmmm…. “confused and indecisive”? – maybe …not wanting to give the impression that she’s easier to make than a peanut-butter sandwich – definately! The line we ladies walk between being your girlfriend and being your ‘ho is a very delicate one. Every girl, guy, date and situation is a different one. So maybe just relax, be cool and enjoy that new experience. Try treating her like a “girlfriend”. If she just wants to be your ‘ho .. she’ll let you know!

  6. EAllison says:

    Why does there always have to be some secret meaning behind a womans reason for not wanting to have sex? Maybe she really is tired, maybe she really is on her period, maayybe she really isn’t ready to bone the dude she’s only been on 3 dates with. Get over yourselves, guys… we’re not that hard to figure out.

  7. dnt f wit me says:

    wtf whats wrong with u?

  8. dnt f wit me says:

    ya why dnt u bend over n let some prick put thr dick up ur ass then say that

  9. Amy says:

    It’s hilarious that someone would write this. Yet another stupid boy that thinks he’s a man, deciding that he KNOWS just what us women think. And considering you would actually go out of your way to write all this bad information down, even if for entertainment, you’re not that intelligent and clearly don’t understand that the skanks you hang out with probably do this, but REAL WOMEN don’t. We’re honest and want simple things in life. Gentlemen, we’re not that damn complicated.

  10. Confused says:

    I don’t use these excuses, but if I were to use them I have a feeling they would simply mean what I said. If I’m too tired than I’m effin tired, what does it matter honestly! If the girl doesn’t want to she doesn’t want to. No matter what the excuse is it means no… get over it. And as far as anything meaning you smell, you should probably shower on a daily basis so why do we need to tell you to!? I’m not your mom. Believe it or not there are women who have a three month rule or something similar, if all your out for is a booty call why would you spend this much time trying to figure this girl out. Common sense states that when a woman is asking you to pay it means she’s a prostitute, DUH!You should have figured that out when you picked her up on the street corner!

  11. Man who's not an asshole says:

    “Honestly, though, if she hasn’t decided after three days, she’s confused and indecisive and you should just move on”

    Maybe she just isn’t a total slut? And the “just move on” part makes me think a guy who thinks that is an asshole.

  12. DamnCali says:

    My favorite is “I just don’t want to”

  13. Cat man due says:

    The pill excuse is BS. Wear a friggin condom. Besides as long as she keeps taking her pills the chances she ovulated on that exact day she forgot are slim. Also if it doenst gross you out too bad having sex while she’s on her period will do wonders for her cramps and stress. Just do it in the shower please!

  14. stang says:

    if the front door is red goto the back instead

  15. W/E says:

    You try to force a girl to PROVE she’s on her period, gaurantee you, you’re gonna see the full force of PMS.

  16. MyNameisJohny says:

    I like taco’s and penis

  17. Betard Fooser says:

    If shes on her period, do what any upstanding gentleman would do and make her fart cum bubbles

  18. Dick Face says:

    When you have a girlfriend who works two jobs for a combined amount of 70 hours a week, then yeah, she might be a little tired. If she’s on her period, make her prove it. If she forgot the pill, throw on a jimmy hat.

    I don’t think the dude that wrote this article knows jack SHIT.

  19. Uncle Ho says:

    WHat kinda bullshit advice is this??? this must be comming from a whore.

  20. FT says:

    Goodness graceous I can’t believe all the info for a story was on one page. Thank heavens for that and keep up the good work.

  21. Victor Pinko says:

    LOL, no way dude thats just way too funny. I mean seriously.

    RT
    http://www.web-privacy.se.tc

  22. targen says:

    i love “sex” i wana fuck you baby ! you looking hot ! come with me …
    targen

  23. WTFYRUTrippin?. says:

    Damn Ladies it’s not that hard to figure you all out! Tired, Confused, Cash Only, Missed Pills, Periods…..AND Don’t Want To Be Seen As A Slut!

    Women To put it simply:
    All of you woman are crazy!…
    And like everything else in this world, You just have varying degrees of Insanity! Some are just a little crazy and others are a lot!

    P.S. Face it ladies, you would be the slut, if caught on the right, day and time!

  24. Get back in the kitchen says:

    The bathroom is down the hall. You should seriously consider washing that sand out of your vagina…

  25. ??? says:

    Hang on a minute….what are you doing on the computer?? Did I tell you you could leave the kitchen??

  26. Grammer Nazi's Nazi says:

    I never know someone trying so hard to fix a simple mistake could make the mistake of spelling the word “grammar” wrong. Yousa winner!

  27. Grammer Nazi says:

    What It Really Means: Literally, it means that she’s married. For you purposes it means that,

    I never knew you could replace the word “you” for “your”

  28. JB says:

    lmao i like grammer nazi’s nazi. nice.

  29. dnt f wit me says:

    thats y u havent gotten any asshole

  30. LOL says:

    PWNED, LOL

  31. Fury says:

    HAHHAHAHA, that’s awesome!

  32. e cig's DAD says:

    Sperm that slipped by during rectal urination is how you were conceived, son.

  33. e cig says:

    Wow. That is a vile comment.

  34. Barn Door says:

    None of those excuses would stop me from sticking it in their butt and going pee pee a little.

  35. Italian Sauage says:

    Hi Supermanlygunowner:

    I own a couple of rods to but it the legally attached one that I want to pork her with. Divorce is imment and even a goodbye and hate fuck isn’t allways possible. It’s alright for them to have feelings just not the men. Too much sensitivity BS.

  36. supermanlymangunowner says:

    that usually ends in good ol’ fashioned hate fucking, the best kind of fuck

  37. pratik says:

    What about the tried and true “I hate you but am not comfortable leaving this toxic relationship” excuse?

  38. Another Spammer says:

    Have you seen…… ::: insert some stupid remark designed to trick idiots :::
    blah blah blah

    goto her site at http://www.extremelywrong.com

    Yay, I can spam too!

  39. jimhl says:

    Have you seen her sexy photos on====onenightcupid.com====where you can find lots of sexy girl to go with you for onenightcupid.BE FREE? She is really hot with Bikini. And I wonder who is the man besides her. They look very happy and lovely.,you can have a try.

  40. Jones says:

    That reminds me. What’s my excuse? = http://bit.ly/w57mp

  41. office jerk says:

    “demanded to be pet” should be “demanded to be petted”

  42. Gup says:

    haha that’s an awesome burn. what a ruhtard.

  43. ETG says:

    That was absolutely perfect, whats the hang up on a few typos anyway? We’re not reading the New York Times! Its the taco chill the fuck out!

  44. Stupid Fuck says:

    I never knew you could replace the word “Grammar” with “Grammer”

  45. Bob says:

    It may also mean that you’ve fallen in love with a woman who’s trapped in a vending machine for some reason or another.

    HILARIOUS

  46. Meatball Hero says:

    lol why did the engineer even do that? they were perfectly good pancakes

  47. sweat says:

    I thought it said… How many of you are going to use the “sex offender excuse” to give out candy on Halloween?