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What Her Underwear Says About Her

You can tell a lot about a girl by the style of underwear she chooses.  Is she married?  Is she a money-grubbing whore? Could she kick your butt in a fist fight?  Her underwear holds all the answers.  Unfortunately, there’s no solid answer as to how to see her underwear in the first place, but if you manage to get a glimpse, here’s what her underwear says about her:
 
Boyshorts
 
 
Boyshorts are cute and sexy, and yet they’re comfortable and versatile enough to wear to a slumber party with your other cute girlfriends where you all get into a pillow fight that you videotape and then send to us.  During this pillow fight, the boyshorts girl will be the one who takes it a little too seriously and ends up injuring another girl by hitting her too hard with a pillow or couch cushion, or maybe even a table lamp if she gets too carried away.  This is because girls who wear boyshorts are sporty tomboy chicks, which means that they’re basically your dream girl, because they’re cute and playful, they can keep up with the dudes in a flag football game, and they can chug a beer faster than you can.  Either that, or they’re a fat chick who wears boyshorts because they make her ass look normal-sized.  Here’s a quick way to differentiate the two: if she can climb a single flight of stairs without wheezing like Keenan Thompson on a treadmill, then she’s the good kind of boyshorts girl.
 
Who Sports It
 
 
Thong
 
 
Fact: a girl who’s wearing a thong wants you to check out her ass.  That’s why she’s wearing a thong.  Y’know how sometimes you wear those visor caps, the ones that are like a baseball cap but without the top?  Well, the reason you wear those is because you’re in an environment where it’s socially expected that you wear a hat (i.e. – the beach, a baseball game, etc.) but you still want to show off your full head of healthy hair.  Otherwise, you’d just wear a baseball cap, right?  Well, that’s exactly how a thong works, too.  She’s wearing it because she wants you to see what it reveals.  Some people will say, "Nu-uh!  She’s wearing business slacks or a skirt that fits tightly around the hips, and he has to wear a thong with that because otherwise you’ll see the panty line through the fabric and it’ll look very shitty and unprofessional!"  I have a simple, well-studied response to that argument: BULLSHIT.  She wants you to look at her ass and that’s all there is to it, and if she wants us to look at it, then isn’t it rude not to admire the view?
 
Who Sports It
 
 
Granny Panties
 
 

The good thing about a girl in Granny Panties is that she’s completely relaxed and comfortable with her body and her sexuality.  The bad news is that she’s relaxed and comfortable because she’s in a committed relationship that she doesn’t have to put an ounce of effort into anymore, and if you’re seeing her granny panties, then that probably means this is your girlfriend/wife we’re talking about.  She knows you’re not going anywhere, and she knows that she doesn’t have to do shit to keep you around.  Your relationship is long past the "turning each other on" and "being physically attracted to one another" phase.  Luckily, some granny panties come decorated with adorable little graphics, like tiny ducks, or umbrellas, or smiley faces or some kind of shit like that.  Cherish those little decorations, because that’s the closest thing to cute underwear you’re ever going to experience again.  RIP, your exciting sex life, RIP.
 
Who Sports It
 
 
Commando
 
 
The girl who wears no underwear at all could easily go one of two ways: she’s either super slutty and wants to cut out a step in the "getting naked" process, or she’s just f*cking lazy as hell.  Seeing that underwear was only invented to protect your pants from your asshole, the girl who wears no underwear at all could easily be too lazy to clean the countless pairs of wrecked panties that are balled up on her bathroom floor as a result of direct panty-to-asshole contact.  Rather than taking the time to watch them, she’d just prefer to go commando.  The way she figures, maybe she’s better off slowly wrecking the durable denim seat of her jeans than completely destroying another pair of freshly washed panties.  Either way, you’ll want to watch out for this girl.  There’s a good chance she’s nothing but trouble.
 
Who Sports It
 
 
Boys’ Underwear
 
 
First, a disclaimer: this does not pertain to girls who wear boxer shorts as shorts, unless she is wearing those boxer shorts as actual underwear.  Having said that, if a girl is wearing boys’ underwear, whether they’re briefs or boxer-briefs, only one of two things can be true: either she’s wearing her boyfriend’s underwear, which is incredibly weird and gross, or she’s a lesbian.  Either way, she is not a girl to be f*cked with, because no matter what the case may be, she’s not interested in you and she can and probably will kick your ass.  Remember this simple rhyme: "Boys’ underwear? Stay Away!"  It’s admittedly not a very good rhyme, but it’s still good advice.
 
Who Sports It
 
 
Expensive G-String
 
 
A girl doesn’t buy tiny, expensive underwear in hopes that someone might accidentally see her in it.  When she shells out all that money for a nearly non-existent thong, she has every intention of letting someone see her in it.  In fact, she probably put the g-string on that particular night with exactly that plan in mind.  That’s why is makes perfect sense to assume that the kind of girl who’s constantly wearing tiny, expensive underwear is a whore: because she constantly wants to be seen in her underwear.  I know it may be difficult, but try to think about strippers for a second: strippers wear tiny, expensive g-strings, and strippers love being seen in those g-strings.  Hell, strippers get paid exactly that.  We’re not saying that a girl who wears tiny g-string underwear all the time is anything like a stripper, but we are saying that they’re pretty damned close to each other.  you wouldn’t spend $40 on something that spends all day wedged up your asscrack unless you wanted someone to see it wedged up there, would you?
 
Who Sports It
 
 
Bikini Bottoms
 
 
I would have major questions for the girl who wears bikini swimsuit bottoms as underwear.  Similar to the girl who wears no panties at all, this girl clearly hasn’t done laundry in quite some time, but unlike the girl who goes commando, Bikini Bottoms Girl is actually concerned with not letting her asshole touch her pants, which raises a very serious question: what’s going on with her asshole that requires her to protect it with a thick, spandexed layer of fabric?  That’s a rhetorical question, of course, and if you’re ever around Bikini Bottoms Girl you shouldn’t hang around long enough to ask those types of questions.  This is partially because it’s not any of your business, and partially because she might just be headed to or from the beach or a swimming pool, but when it comes to a girl’s asshole, you can never be too cautious.
 
Who Sports It
 

119 Responses to "What Her Underwear Says About Her"

  1. Have you ever... says:

    Heard of the sexual moved called the Mexican Underwear Fuck-tastic? It is where you poo in your own underwear, take them off and let them fester in a hot room for >72 hours. You then rub the mess in the face of your sexual partner and proceed to have anal sex with me. Not oral sex or vaginal sex, it has to be anal sex.

  2. Forgetten Undies says:

    What about chastity belts? What type of people wear those underwear? Or edible Undies? Or crotch-less panties? All great underwear that is not discussed in this topic!

  3. Mr Obvious says:

    Damn, I can’t believe how accurate this list is. My ex-girlfriends wear thongs, that was great and occasionally crazy sex. My current girlfriend wears granny-panties, it’s pretty boring sex.

  4. smojo says:

    This article is great for amusement and perpetuating stereotypes. I wouldn’t trust it for advice though.

  5. Gith says:

    What about hipsters?

  6. Gith says:

    The panties not the people.

  7. male shovenist says:

    I have a quick question for Justin or any other administrators. I had to stop reading half way through the article because of the lack of education of the author, who appears to be writing at below an 8th grade level of education. Lets take this slow, “…and he has to wear a thong with that because…” now im going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume we are not talking about a man, lets throw a “s” in front of that he and make it a “she”, shall we? Moving forward. “…than taking the time to watch them…” Really? Rather than taking the time to watch them? Do you even look at the suggestions that your abc check provides and choose appropriately or do you just check the first one available? Now i know it must be so hard for you to find good help, but I am sure with all that advertising on the site you can afford a writer with a diploma, correct? I look forward to your response.

  8. male shovenist says:

    “Hell, strippers get paid exactly that.” …?

  9. *facepalm* says:

    It’s CHAUVINIST, okay? CHAUVINIST. Not “SHOVENIST.” CHAUVINIST. C-H-A-U-V-I-N-I-S-T. The word is CHAUVINIST. “SHOVENIST” is incorrect. Jesus Hairy-ass Christ.

  10. Glenn Beck The Stubborn Fucktard says:

    Man I can’t wait till I turn 46 and finally get to get a girlfriend! Then I’ll totally understand all of these ‘underwear types’. For now all I can do is compare the undergarments of the boys I touch, but that’s always fun, right?

    Also,
    Fuck everyone who doesn’t agree with me!

  11. FIREHOUSE SUBS!!!!!! says:

    LAWL LIEK DAT IZ DA MPOAST EPIKEZT PHALE I HAZ EVAR HURD LIEK EVAR WTF WTF WTF

    OMGOMGOMFG *FACEPALM* HAZ LIEK TTLY PWNED “MAIL SHOVANIZT” OR SHUD I SEZ “MAIL SHOVANIZT” AMIRITE?!?!

  12. who is it says:

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  13. Truff says:

    well, honestly, as a girl who likes being sexy but doesn’t worry too much about it, i just buy what’s on sale that stays below my hips. i don’t have any thought process or subliminal incentives behind my underwear.

  14. Truff says:

    and by below hips i mean like the line of jeans that rest on my hips.

  15. Old Man says:

    So nothing that goes over your belly button?

  16. barrett ross from tampa,fl..look me up on facebook says:

    For the most part its true.I have a bunch of these on my facebook look me up.

  17. A2nonymous says:

    I just lost 5 minutes of my time and i want them back!

  18. missfawe says:

    i would have to say, as a female, i agree with exactly
    -none-
    of these stereotypes.

    thanks for playing, but you lose.

  19. male shove fist says:

    I’m not the one getting paid and i have 50% less spelling errors and 0 fragments

  20. Underaware says:

    Who cares…..as long as they’re CLEAN!!

  21. Amonymons says:

    Keep up the fight.

    One day we will win.

  22. Juan Hung Low says:

    I hate niggers!!

  23. Pedro says:

    Ok, I’m confused. I though it was Mail Shove Oven-ist. am I wrong?

  24. what a load of crap says:

    the guy whowrote this is obviously a virgin

  25. insideofyou says:

    the pungent aroma of soiled womens underwear fills the room. vagina is not a fish, but shares its scales and scent. and why not mention of longjohns?@@?@!!! does the female, or lesser sex, not get cold? practicality is in the longjohn, and the sexuality is mysterious. wear is her skin? NO IT IS HIDDEN SECRETS PLAGUE HER AMPLE BOUSOM. her pubic hair has the hue of piety and grace, suffocating her womanhood.
    doubters beware EVERYWHERE IS EVIDENCE OF THE SEXING EVOLUTION. WHO IS ON TOP? NO ONE!? WE ARE SIDE BY SIDE!!!!? WELCOME ME BROTHERS AND SISTERS xiang fao
    korea 14 usa 0

    JinTao

  26. HH hollingsworth 1 says:

    is Tom Arnold that guy died??

  27. Jess says:

    What about briefs? they’re like boy shorts, but show more hip…

  28. A Girl says:

    ‘bikini bottom’ underwear refers to actual underwear that wears in the same place as bikini bottoms would. they fit the same, but they are actually designated panties. just thought i’d let the article author know? they’re a good medium between grannies and thongs.

  29. Jeremy says:

    Not bad. I’ll come back to this site for sure.

  30. male shove fist says:

    he he speaks last wins. GG

  31. Soki2em says:

    I gotta agree with Mr Obvious here, my gf wears granny panties and the sex is not as fantastic as my ex-gfs. Why am I still with her?

  32. LC says:

    The things said bout the Granny panties i guess is correct.
    Altogether they are Decent and cute :D

  33. BallLickerTeabagFace says:

    Why do want them to have anal sex with you? You like taking it up the ass? Maybe the assless chaps are for your then bud.

  34. here here says:

    Nods, what do those say ab a girl?

    and ill have you know when i go without its cause dearest darling finds it sexy. Not just cause I’m too lazy to walk over the the dresser…

  35. NatashaFatale says:

    who ever wrote this article is an idiot. bikini bottoms dont mean literal bikinis. its the cut of the panties.

  36. belial says:

    chupenlo todos

  37. ..wow. says:

    please, continue to speak badly on commando females when you try and wear stringy, lacy girl-underwear under stretchy, tight, bunched up jeans.
    obviously you have all of the facts and are all knowing of the female prowess.
    they might as well just start gluing kittens on the ass of womens underwear. with glitter and a noise chip that says ‘please fuck me because i have no self respect and my goal in life is to impress frat boys who probably slipped me ghb anyway’

    and also, yes. bikini is definitely a design of the cut of underwear, and not literal.

    like…seriously? this article made it?
    read more cracked and learn things before you assume you can write humor.

    and also squared,
    only douche-bags wear visors as a specific point to ‘show of their full head of healthy hair’.
    actually, only douche-bags wear visors, period.

    /end rant

  38. The Man says:

    Women really shouldn’t be allowed to comment on the internet while they are on their period… They just bitch about stuff… The internet is very serious business and does not need any of these impulsive pms fuelled rants…

    Next time you are visited by your ‘Aunt Flow’ don’t comment on the internet, just go make your man a sandwich.

  39. you have never says:

    whoever wrote this has probably never had sex.

  40. Lust [its my real name] says:

    im scared to comment on this, i think i might get my ass chewed. Either way i wear my boyfriends boxers because they are comfy ^_^ and i wear the thong becuase i wear tight pants and the panty line thing, yeah not sexy.

  41. Triceritops says:

    Why don’t you just buy your own damn boxers?

  42. Mr. says:

    first, one

  43. SAMMY THE DUMMY says:

    second one

  44. Joe The Asshole says:

    I’m gonna kick your ass if you don’t stop being such a dickhead…

  45. Joe the Plumber says:

    Fourth one

  46. Jesus The Jew says:

    5th one

  47. Swayze the Friendly Ghost says:

    6th one

  48. nalin' stalin says:

    8th d’oh…

  49. Anonymous? says:

    c cccc ombo breaker

  50. Anoinymous says:

    Fail

  51. EGON says:

    I knew it! Tom Arnold sports bikini bottoms the universe makes sence once again

  52. brett says:

    Sence?

  53. Frank Dorshman says:

    it’s spelled ‘cents’ dumbass

  54. The guy above me is an idiot. says:

    wow you are even dumber than the guy who misspelled the word.

    FYI it’s spelled sense!

    “the universe makes sense once again” is the proper use. not “the universe makes cents once again” as cool as that would be don’t wait for it to start raining nickels, dimes, pennies, and quarters.

  55. Bosco says:

    No, you’re the idiot. Its called humor, you should check it out sometime.

  56. Clark Kent says:

    you are all obvi wrong, I had sex with tom arnold last night; he wears depends.

  57. Blackie says:

    You’re all wrong, it’s spelled ‘since’

  58. noahaction says:

    its ‘scents’. the universe makes scents – meaning the universe farted becasue tom arnold wears bikini botttom underwear. this makes perfect cents. i mean scents. wait.

  59. Joe The Asshole says:

    Shut the f*ck up you pussies… it is called “dumbass mother f*cker” so stup doing stupid shit and get back to work… assholes

  60. ninja please... says:

    the universe doesnt make sense, it makes dollars.

  61. Billy says:

    Or Euros because those are more valuable.

  62. Steve says:

    I made a doodie.

  63. Hmm.. says:

    I think he ment Furi..
    As in FuriKuri…

  64. Mike the Badass says:

    I thought the universe makes cents because I make the dollars?

  65. Jsocks says:

    Mike the Badass has just goddamn gone and won the whole thing.
    Everyone give up.

  66. Hungry says:

    no no, the universe makes doody

  67. cabj1905 says:

    I have nothing important to contribute to the epic failure that went on above me; I just wanted to keep the replies going.
    *sigh* I hate myself for coming to this site.

  68. hmm says:

    So if the world makes scents does it sell them as cents so that we can make dollars that are not as good as euros?
    Cuz that makes fucking perfect scents!

  69. Particle Man says:

    The universe makes me excited. And I just can’t hide it. I’m about to lose control and I think I like it.

  70. FUCKER says:

    I have nothing important to say but your reading it so it must in some way shape or form be important to someone somewhere…..maybe…..ya I’m talking to you…..fucking bitch….

  71. coolman says:

    can we get back on topic – girl panties

  72. Cinder says:

    Cents= Money
    Sense= Touch,taste, etc or your brain understanding something
    Since= From a date

    Soooo this is the correct way to use these words:

    The world doesnt make sense to me because I found out you cant buy g-strings for 25 cents, I would know because Ive been wearing them since 2 years ago

    There ya go!

  73. Your mum says:

    Bunch of fuckin retard’s

  74. master shake says:

    funny tho…

  75. hrm says:

    These comments have obviously been photoshopped. I looked at the pixels and they don’t make any scents, and I know this cents I have scene a lot of photoshops in my thyme.

  76. Loler says:

    amazing, i just loled

  77. weeldrr says:

    It makes scents only if you are down wind.

  78. Underwear Under There says:

    What does it say about you if you uncontrollably shit in your underwear? I think the big Kardashian Chewbacca does this all the time.

  79. Seth says:

    I think it says that you have lost all control of your anal sphincter. Or that your O-ring is broken. Either way, it is not good to be a homosexual.

  80. Art says:

    It obviously means that actually, it is not the universe that makes scents, but ourselves.

  81. Joe The Asshole says:

    My GF uses my underwear sometimes… what category is that in??? BTW I worked at a bank and all the female clerks wore thongs.

  82. Diz says:

    That would be the “Boys’ Underwear” category. That is unless you wear girls underwear, which you probably do. Either way, you’re a moron.

  83. atlantic peerless says:

    win goes to diz

    (double fail to Joe The Asshole Licker for never actually having had a girlfriend)

  84. Born_Tuff says:

    Just lookin for an excuse to talk about her your a fuck chode!

  85. Johnnny Mastodon says:

    But the Bikini bottoms have those great “rip cords” for rapid removal – especially if you yank ‘em both at once . . .

  86. domovi says:

    tru dat

  87. Kaid says:

    They also make bikini style undies for those who like to wear them without the swimsuit material or wear them a lot.

  88. Mmmyep says:

    No, Bikini Bottoms have Spongebobs.

  89. Nick HARD-ON says:

    Hahaha some dumb motha fuckers on here

  90. Joe The Asshole says:

    Look who is talking…

  91. alpheus wings says:

    yeah, the guy talking didn’t know what fucking category his girlfriend who wears BOYS UNDERWEAR was in

  92. gay butt says:

    what the fuck
    hot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  93. dugles says:

    thats not nice to say

  94. noahaction says:

    you forgot assless chaps. those wearing them: Ryan Seacrest, Bill Maher, and Ryan Seacrest.

  95. O_O says:

    Ryan Seacest XD
    and really? not all of it is true….at all.
    obviously written by a guy.

  96. Moses says:

    Wow, what great fun reading for minutes about wacky people talking about scents, since and cents, very fun! So i’ll contribute within this topic “epic-gay-failure” So LOL right? Im going to go LOL right now, because it’s so good material comments section, just like my post that is! Och för er svenska läsare sÃ¥ bjuder jag pÃ¥ isglass när vi kommer fram!

  97. mrs misus says:

    Just had a look in my drawers:
    Thongs, 15
    Bikinicut, 6
    Tiny G-Strings, 3
    Granny Panties, 5
    Hipster/Shortthingies, 8

    And Boxershorts in Silkysatin to go to bed.
    What am i now? A slut?

  98. Triceritops says:

    depends on how many commando panties u have

  99. Um, yeah... says:

    Owning-no-granny-panties to me is a minimum requirement to be my gf. If you own them this means that later after the honeymoon-period sex you’re bound to start wearing those again. I’m sorry but that’s not an option. (Guys should retaliate and go buy one pair of those longjohns with the button-down assflap and wear those as a reminder to girls just how NOT sexy granny panties are.)

  100. Ibrahim | ZenCollegeLife.com says:

    I know so much more about undies now. Thanks for this brilliant post!

  101. Fairy Goth Mother says:

    i think that some statements may be true but this whole thing is a male bias of what a man thinks a girl wears these for (1st one)

  102. Anonymous Chick says:

    Wow. It’s times like these that make all women depair that there’s actually a man out there who is not a complete idiot.

  103. king of the world says:

    y dont u all just go fuck ur mothers and fathers cuz u KNOW u want 2….dumb ass peices of worthless shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  104. someone says:

    You are all stupid fuckers.

  105. badinfluencegirl says:

    you know it’s funny, i go commando because i hate panties and find them uncomfortable. i also never have more than a load of laundry waiting to be done.

    silly assumptions…

    and bikini bottoms are what you wear under skirts in an environment where you might end up in the water

  106. Anonymous2 says:

    LOL at irrelevant posts and rants, humanity is fucked

  107. Supertruper says:

    Is there also an article referring to the colour?

  108. Stefanie says:

    I reject you theory on women only wearing granny panties while in a committed relationship. I only wear them if I’m on my period, and, as is it currently stands, while pregnant. Otherwise I wear boyshorts. Trying to wear those while several months pregnant makes you look more like a beached whale than granny panties.

  109. Bad A** says:

    I sometimes wear boxers as under wear, I’m not lez, and their not always my boyfriends. I’m simply a tomboy. Don’t ASSUME anything cuz it makes an ASS of yoU and ME!!

  110. Anonymous1234567890098765432 says:

    104th one

  111. Vince Vaughn says:

    Bunch those panties up into a little ball, and put that little ball right in your mouth. Oh, yeah…

  112. der fuehrer says:

    106th

  113. redheadtomboy says:

    I’m the boy shorts girl.. but I do wear thongs for my boy friend once in a great while.. like once a month… He wants me to “try” to be more girly

  114. Iain says:

    Those r all correct and the celebs placed in each category r all true, especially jessica alba, the only kind of undies i seen her wear are huge frilly white granny panties!

  115. a fan of boyshorts (but not green frilly polkas) says:

    most of this is really accurate but some is not. boyshorts? common, they’e not limited to ultra-jock chics. like every other girl in the porn industry wears them. fitness models too, but also petite chics & teens with no muscle tone who are just cute, and playful. boyshorts definitely equal playful. honestly i think that a lot of the ultra-jocks would wear the opposite b/c they dont want to appear masculine, so they’d wear g-strings & thongs to make up for it. personally boyshorts are by far my fav on chics, and i’m one who likes toned bodies, in shape, like dancers. it’s just how they compliment the ass curves so perfectly, making the ass look even hotter with them on. they can make a mediocre ass look pretty damn hot!

    no way Jessica Alba & the girl to her right (Gwen Stefani?) wear granny panties…lol

  116. Arthur Bhutic says:

    I love when your on your period. It’s lovely to want to cry wearing panties when your on your period. Which I love when your on your period, is that I love to see the waistband of your panties and you see the waistband of my briefs. I only hold my underwear party on your period, which I love too see you in your panties and you see me in my briefs.

  117. Rowan says:

    I think a girl wrote this crap (or the guy stuck with the granny panties girl). It reads like a guide to finding the girl you want to go to church with. Note all the girl posts agreeing with this drivel.

    Are you saying that whores and strippers are a bad thing? There is absolutely nothing hotter than a girl leaning over in a crowded room and letting you know that she is going commando.

  118. taken says:

    my underwear cannot be described by any of the above. What I wear is like the thong picture, but my entire ass is still covered. What does THAT say? I’m sexy but comfortable? Because that’s how I feel…