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What Her Valentine’s Day Gift Really Says

Valentine’s Day is this Sunday, which means that this week you’ll be on a quest for a gift that will get you laid without implying too much.  The Valentine’s Day gift that you give your girlfriend says a lot about your relationship, and if you’re not careful your gift might send the wrong message. Here’s what her Valentine’s Day gift really says:
The Practical Gift
What You Think It Says:
We’ve only been together for a short time, and I didn’t want to intimidate you by getting you something lavish and expensive, so instead I got you something that you can actually use a few times until it breaks!
What It Really Says:
We’ve only been dating for a month.  There’s no way I’m gonna empty my bank account for your gift just yet.  The item that you received from me was either a re-gift that I got from my weird cousin for Christmas, or it was right by the register at Walgreens, where I stopped to buy condoms on my way over to your place.
The Expensive Gift
What You Think It Says:
You are so important to me that I saved up a shitload of money to buy you something really fancy.  All of your friends are going to be so jealous, and you’ll be able to show them that you’ve got the best man in the world. Plus, it was totally worth it just to see the smile on your face when you saw your gift.
What It Really Says:
The only thing I have to offer you is wealth.  I’m literally trying to purchase your love and affection and you’re going to fall for it, because this gift is f*ckin’ incredible.  Also, remember those three sex things that you’ll never let me do? Well you’re gonna let me do all of them at the same time now.
The Homemade Gift

What You Think It Says:
This is a heartfelt gift that I made with my own two hands. I took the time, effort, and creativity to craft something original for you because you’re so unique. Also, we’ve only been dating for two weeks.
What It Really Says:
I just confirmed your suspicions that I might be mentally retarded.
The Sexy Gift
What You Think It Says:
I enjoy getting to know you, so this Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d get you something that awakens the sex goddess inside of you.  Whether you know it or not, you’re super sexy, and it’s time you started acting like it.
What It Really Says:
I would be way more attracted to you if you could stop acting like you for a little while.
The Pet Gift
What You Think It Says:
I think it’s time to take our relationship to the next level, so I’ve decided to purchase an adorable lifeform that we can raise together.  This creature is relying on both of us to stay alive now, so we’ll raise it together as if it were our child, and we’ll all be one big happy family who stays together and doesn’t break up, because we have to take care of a pet together now.
What It Really Says:
I’m too stupid to realize that I’m giving you an adorable, fuzzy, face-licking competitor for your affection.

16 Responses to "What Her Valentine’s Day Gift Really Says"

  1. Just Another Girl... says:

    Being a girl, I’d definitely have to say all of above was either too much or too little (referring to the first one). It’s Valentine’s Day, not the day you propose, well… unless you do. All we like is a kiss and a hug, and maybe a bracelet or necklace. Simple and never lame.

  2. Group of Cats says:

    Now that’s the shit.

  3. Michael Vick says:

    Fap fap fap fap.

  4. Group of Dogs says:

    Kick his ass!

  5. chad says:

    very, very funny post and makes a lot of sense.

  6. Steve says:

    Thanks for reminding me. I guess it’s this weekend.

  7. anonononononononooooo says:

    the phrase is actually “in other words”

  8. lol says:

    um so another words no matter what gift you get for Valentines day will mean anything? Score ten for girls, no need to buy men anything anymore…and by the way guys girls don’t think that way so keep the home-made, cheap, expensive gifts and pets coming lol.

  9. Couriers says:


  10. EGON says:

    The last one is sad but true…… i’ve lived it. sad to say that the dogs death was a good thing for my relationship…. until she dumped me….

  11. dead dog says:


  12. dead dog says:

    … papa is that you? why did you put me in that pillowcase and throw me in the apartment community pool?

    i thought you loved me papa?

    (captcha: have manholes, yes!)

  13. korean guy says:

    this make me so hungry

  14. pratik says:

    Expensive gift could also mean “I obviously can’t satisfy you in bed so here’s a billion dollar present to make up for it.”