What if Mr. T Was a Grief Counselor?

Listen up! I know this situation is hard. I know you feel like a sucka. I know all kinds of things. Things happen. That’s how things work. You need to know that. Tell me you know that. Say it. Louder!

I will not have any crying in my office. You need to be a real man and that goes for all the little girls in the world. You are a disgrace, a disgrace to the memory of your dead whomever it is that is now dead. I do not have time to find out who. I am getting things done. When I starred in Rocky 3, I had to actually, literally beat the taste out of Sylvester Stallone’s mouth because he was a disgrace, do you hear me?

Listen, life goes on. That’s a song and a TV show and Corky was a disgrace to that show just as sure as you can make a scrumptious meal in minutes with a Flavorwave Turbo Oven. You need to pick your chin up and remember to keep moving. Like a shark, if you sit still for too long you will get eaten by another shark and you do not want that.

I know your sense of loss is going wild. You are confused and maybe damp. These are all normal feelings. These feelings should be felt. You will feel them and you will do so right now.

Death is a part of life. If you are a sucka, you are going down, it happens to everyone. Death steps up to you and looks at you like you’re a fool and you’ll probably say something foolish and that will be unfortunate if those are your last words. Probably when you die, you’ll want to have a quote ready. I already have one. Just before I die, I’m going to say “Rosebud” and it will mystify everyone in the room. Then I will die pitying those fools and it will mean my entire life was worthwhile.

You had best be prepared, because you are going to have to fight the 5 stages of grief or, as we professionals call it, the Kubler-Ross model. Or, as I call it, jive talk.

The first stage is denial. This is when you act like a fool and pretend nothing is wrong. Don’t do that! Something is wrong, fool! Someone just died. Unless you got hit on the head, this gets you nowhere.

The second stage is anger. Are you angry? Why? At who? I advise you not to raise your voice to me or I will be forced to put you back in your place.

The third stage will be bargaining and don’t even try to strike a deal with Mr. T. Have you seen all my gold chains? What on Earth do you have that I could want? Your friendship? A turkey sandwich? The ability to fly a homemade airplane? You have nothing I want and you should never forget that.

The fourth stage is depression and this is where you truly become a disgrace. You wear your skinny jeans and put on eye liner and you think Mr. T is going to buy you a soda pop and say cheer up? Don’t be foolish.

The final stage is acceptance and this is where Mr. T lives. Welcome to my house. Wipe your shoes. Once you accept acceptance you will no longer be quite as disgraceful and that’s good, because your family was probably getting sick of you.

Now you are properly adjusted and can go on with your life. I’m proud of you. You should be proud of you. Go on with your life, keep pitying fools and God bless.