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What if Vince the Slap Chop Guy Was a Priest?

Hey, it’s Vince, welcome one and all. The subject of today’s sermon, you’re gonna love this, it’s sin. Look at this, it’s the Bible, it’s like, pages of it, pages of sin, you got your Sodom, your Gomorrah, your lust, your envy, your wrath, a bath, do the math.

Now, you look outside, you see it. It’s everywhere. You got your sin and you got you and what do you do? You hate it. You know you hate the sin, that’s why you’re in the church. Stop living in sin, stop going to hell, it’s that simple.

 

Listen, we all get tempted, that’s what that movie was about. I saw it, you saw it. God sees everything. He directed it and it’s time for you to get on the casting couch.

Look, what you gotta do, it’s easy. It’s so easy you’ll wonder how you got so far without it. You repent. Ask forgiveness, one, two, three, only there’s only that one and it’s spelled with a capital G, people. The big man, you’re gonna love his forgiveness.

Now I know what you’re thinking, Vince, is it just that easy? I’m here to tell you it is. You’re going to be repenting your troubles away all day. Look over here, here’s Mrs. Bartholomew, she tells me in confession last week she’s fellated like, 60 guys. Like 60 different guys. One Hail Mary, you’re a step closer to Heaven, two Hail Marys, you’re practically looking at the pearly gates.

Look at this, you got Jake Johnson with his mom and dad over here. Jake, Jake masturbates all the time. I mean it, all the time, he’s probably got a hand in his pocket right now. I’m telling you, forgiveness in a second. The more you do it, the more God loves you, you just gotta ask, he’s totally cool like that. But you gotta mean it, too, don’t forget that part.

I love hookers too, one bit my tongue, but at least try to be pious about it. You’re going to change your sinning habits and it’s all right here in the good book. Tramps, heroin, embezzlement, setting fires, there’s something for everyone. You don’t have 5 seconds? Or maybe an evening? 20, 30 Hail Marys you’re done, you’re like a newborn baby, you’re perfect. You’re going to start having a virtuous life.

You can combine things together too, like Dr. Fletcher over here. He cheats on his, wife, he cheats on his taxes, no problem. My congregation comes with the gift of plenary indulgence. You come to me, you make a deal, I wipe the slate clean, just like that.

Listen, I can’t do this all day. Salvation comes for free, but you have to act now.

17 Responses to "What if Vince the Slap Chop Guy Was a Priest?"

  1. Nicole Crakes says:

    Two thumbs down.

  2. Nick H says:

    i can’t take this garbage anymore.. not that anyone cares or it matters in the least but see ya holy taco, you know whos gone?
    THIS GUY.

  3. SecretAdmirer says:

    I thought that was hilarious!!!! I like the new HT! And Ian Fortey is a God!!!!

  4. your dad says:

    This is crazy funny. Good work.

  5. WooHoo says:

    El firstola……suffer you bitches, go slap-chop your wee-wees.

  6. Retard says:

    Right after I slap chop your butthole.

  7. Dildozer says:

    shamwow guy*

  8. peteyroberto says:

    what part of this was supposed 2 b comical? the size of the authors dick writing this? this is just ramble. stick to 2 golden posts a day rather than 5 nonsensical shitbricks.I get the sense you guys r writing more stories a day to get rid of the commentors bcuz they have to push the back button to go back and see how many people replied to their comments…

  9. Stinky Nutz says:

    Holy Taco sucks now.

  10. Puff says:

    Unfortunately I have to agree that HT is losing it’s touch. The Anal Sex To Chili’s Restaurant Analogy is what hooked me on HT, but it’s been all downhill since then. I got excited when I saw them pumping out more articles per day, but none of them have even made me smirk.

    I realize you guys are sick of all the douchebag comments and frankly so was I, but you’re better than this HT. Some of the comments are genuine, you guys need to concentrate less on quantity and more on quality.

  11. bobby says:

    losing it

  12. Dwight K. Schrute's Anal Retention says:

    LOST IT!

  13. Spork Guy says:

    You’re gonna love my nuts.

  14. pratik says:

    Don’t advertising the twins online, you know they’re all mines!!

    MIIIIIINES!

  15. The Real pratik says:

    EXTREME FAIL!

    Learn sum grammer first asshole!

  16. Butt-Headâ„¢ says:

    *nonsensical raving*

    Hey Beavis, I need T.P. for my bung-hole!!!

  17. Bryan G says:

    This smacks of Fortey. Good job sir; I’d like to see more impersonations and parodies like this. Oh the possibilities…