What It’s Like To Stay At The World’s Only Seven Star Hotel, According To The Imagination of Someone Who’s Never Stayed There

I’ve spent many a night in awful hotels the kind of hotels that people wouldn’t even want to look at in pictures. So occasionally, I like to fantasize and see how the other half lives. Even on my best nights, I’ve only made it as high as a three star joint. (But even that seems like a waste considering I end the night in a three star hotel the same way as I’d end the night in a one star place — half drunk, gassy and alone.) I get excited with even the smallest of hotel conveniences, like a nearby ice machine, or a blanket that doesn’t smell like stranger sex. There’s only one seven star hotel in the world, and it’s in Dubai. I tried to get Holy Taco to put me up for a night there, but turns out, it’s kind of expensive, so I’ll just have to imagine what takes place at such a retreat.

The star rating system for hotels is pretty straight-forward, it’s based on criteria such as view, entertainment options, room furnishings, dining, and other amenities. Until I discovered the Burj Al Arab Hotel in Dubai, I thought five stars was the most you could grab. According to Wikipedia, this is what makes a five star hotel, a five star hotel:

• Reception opened 24 hours, multilingual staff  Doorman-service or valet parking
• Concierge, page boy
• Spacious reception hall with several seats and beverage service
• Personalized greeting for each guest with fresh flowers or a present in the room
• Minibar and food and beverage offer via room service during 24 hours
• Personal care products in flacons
• Internet-PC in the room
• Safe in the room
• Ironing service (return within 1 h)
• Shoe polish service
• Turndown service in the evening
• Mystery guesting

Want to add two more stars? Here’s what we’re going to need:

• Reception opened 24 hours, multilingual all attractive female staff of varying exotic ethnicities
• Doorman-service or valet parking with free joy-rides in the cars of those staying at lesser hotels
• Concierge, page girl (over 18) willing to movies with lonely businessmen.
• Spacious reception hall with several seats and an open bar
• Personalized greeting for each guest with fresh flowers or a present in the room. (Appropriate presents would include high-grade escorts, or just any attractive woman willing to pretend to like you.)
• Minibar and food and beverage offer via room service during 24 hours (good enough)
• Personal care products in flacons, two of everything – one to use during the stay, one to take home to neglected family.
• Internet-PC in the room with appropriate porn sites already bookmarked
• Safe in the room, already with free money
• Ironing service (return within 1 h), willing to iron socks and anything else one might find hilarious to iron
• Shoe polish service, and shoe tying service
• Turndown service in the evening, tuck in service on call. Also, someone to remove pants when a guest passes out drunk. Because some guests don’t sleep well in jeans.
• Mystery guesting, and public advertised guesting. Some guests want everyone to know that their life is so amazing, that they can afford a seven star hotel

A few additional services that’d crank things “up to eleven”, would be topless staffers and weed on delivery. But I know that’s pushing it. I doubt the Burj Al Arab has even considered any of these accouterments, but if they want to maintain their seven star rating, they’ll take our additions into consideration. For now, they’ll just have to go with what they’ve got, which includes things like a two story aquarium, personal butler service for each room, and a guy who will spray you down with a water bottle while you sit on the beach.