If you’re anything like 70% of the country who loves their family, there’s a good chance that you’ll be traveling over the next few days. Traveling is stressful for you, but some people don’t realize how stressful it is for the people around you as well. Here’s what other people are thinking
when you’re traveling:
The Taxi Driver Who Takes You To The Airport
Give me your bags my friend. Yes, I know you can lift them in to trunk, but how I can guilt you into bigger tip if you are always doing shit for yourself? Oh, all seat belts not working? Hmmm, this first I hear of this! Not to worry, I drive insanely fast so that there is less time in car when you could be getting into accident. Hold on, I must make fast left turn, to enter into more traffic-congested area. Look, I honk at driver and loudly ask the powerful god I worship to destine him for a life of eternal hell for driving two miles an hour less than speed limit. You like? Yes, you like. I do that for you my friend. Most important thing in life: make sure you get to airport on time. Okay, we here! You get out now. Just kidding, let me speed up and slam on breaks one more time. Get you closer, my friend! Okay, that will be twice what you thought it would cost. Also, tip. Remember, I get bags for you earlier?
The Airline Worker Who Checks You In
Hi, last name? Oh, you have an incredibly stupid
question about your flight that I’ve already been asked 300 times today? No, no, I’d love to answer it. Let me just really quickly flash a look to one of my co-workers to indicate what a f*&king idiot you are. Okay, done. Now, I’ll answer that question with a response that provides no answer at all, but sounds enough like it does that everyone waiting behind you will get super pissed if you ask it again. Is that the only baggage you’ll be checking? Let me tell you about how we’re charging for that now, so that you can act really shocked and outraged, even though there’s not one thing I can do about it, and you already knew about this months ago because every news outlet in the entire world has reported on it. Here, if it helps you at all I’ll say something about how "we" don’t like it either, even though we both know it’s the only thing between me and a pay cut right now. Okay, great, I’m done with you. Now please move to the side so that when I ignore anything else you might ask, it will be less awkward. Thanks!
The Baggage Handlers Who Put Your Bags In The Plane
Since I work one of those jobs that isn’t rewarded for “doing a good job” I’m going to go ahead do a bad job, just to make sure everyone knows how I feel about my current professional situation. I spend every day watching happy people going off on happy vacations
while I sit here, making barely minimum wage, just because I grew up in a shitty part of town and have a criminal record and therefore can’t get a more respectable job. Do you think I can afford to go on vacation? If you could hear me through your stupid earbud headphones, you’d detect a hint of sarcasm and know immediately that the answer is "NO". So today, instead of relaxing on an isolated beach with an ice cold margarita, I’m going to get out the frustrations of my failed life by treating your belongings the same way Mark Sanchez treats a football
– I’m just going to close my eyes and throw it as hard as I can. Yeah, that feels a lot better. I hope you have a great trip.
Your Flight Attendant
I’m not sure where the “flying whores” reputation came from, but I am sick and tired of every male passenger looking at me like I’m just dying to give him a blowjob in the bathroom. I’ve been married for 36 years. I’ve never had sex with anyone on a plane, not even my husband
, and we’ve been on, like, a million flights together. Is it this outfit they make us wear? It doesn’t seem all that sexy. It’s a long skirt and a white shirt. It’s not like my ass is hanging out or anything. Did you ever wonder why the only male flight attendants are gay dudes with pissy attitudes? Does that scream "this is a sexually charged environment" to you? I’m so sick of this job. I have nightmares where I’m just giving the seatbelt speech over and over for all eternity. I mean, I’m a waitress when it comes down to it. But I don’t get tips. And I could die if the something goes wrong. Jesus, what was I thinking? If I was aiming this low, I could’ve been a secretary and I wouldn’t have to worry about Achmad sending me to hell with the other infidels. Yeah, I’ll get you a pillow. Shit, remember to smile at these assholes. Also, remember to keep saving money until you can buy that gun to kill yourself with. Keep smiling!
The Pilot Who Is Flying Your Plane
Hello, passengers, this is your captain speaking, I’m going to be periodically waking you up from time to time, pointing out things outside your window that you can’t see, telling you the air temperature and how high up we are. None of that matters to you at all. I just figure if I’m awake, why shouldn’t you be? Okay, I’m going to go ahead and choose to just fly faster, and just tell you that we’re “making great time.” We can always fly this fast, it’s just that if we did, I wouldn’t be able to say that. Oh, and one more time, I know we just served you drinks so I’m gonna go ahead and tell you that if you’ll lean over everyone that’s sitting near a window and inconvenience them, you’ll see a tiny spec on the ground below that’s the lake of the Ozarks. Oh, you’ve never heard of that lake? Well, that’s because I just make shit up all the time to be a dick. Alrighty, we’re about to land, I’m going to pretend this is an F-18 fighter jet and really just slam right into the ground to make sure that luggage above you moves. Thanks for flying with us.
Your Family Who Picks You Up From The Airport
Great, you made it. I can see you didn’t get that haircut I mentioned the last time you were here. Is it really a surprise that you don’t have a girlfriend? And that jacket. Do you even have a job anymore? You do? Well, are you having money problems? You’re not? How can a man manage to live on this earth as long as you have and still not know how to dress himself? I really thought you’d grow out of that “grunge” phase. I guess I was wrong. Do the lights in your bedroom not work? Your cousin, the really successful one in New York, he doesn’t feel the need to dress up like a homeless man. And he’s younger than you. Oh well, I guess I must’ve raised you wrong. Whatever it was that I did, I’m sorry. I tried, but I guess it’s hard to teach a child how to dress himself like an adult and have manners when you’re working a full time job. The least you could do is put in a little effort. If not for me, then for your grandmother. How many more Thanksgivings are you going to have with her? Did you ever think about it like that? Apparently not, Mr. I’m Going To Wear My Hobo Outfit
To Thanksgiving Again. She won’t show it, but sometimes when you’re not looking, your grandmother cries. A lot. And we can’t be sure of it, but she’s probably crying because of the way you’re dressed. It’s really good to see you, by the way. How was your trip?