Traveling is always a pain in the ass, even more so during this time of year. So we decided to take you through your journey home, and show you what the people you deal with while you travel are thinking.
The Taxi Driver Who Takes You To The Airport
Give me your bags my friend, yes, I know you can lift them in to trunk, but how I guilt you in to bigger tip if you doing shit for yourself? Oh, all the seat belts not working? Hmmm, this first I hear of this, not to worry, I drive insanely fast so that there is less time in car where you could be getting into accident. Hold on, I going to make left here, to enter into more traffic congested area. Look, I honk at driver and loudly ask the powerful god I worship to destine him for a life of eternal hell for driving two miles an hour less than speed limit. I do that for you my friend, make sure you get to airport on time. Okay, we here, you can get out now. Just kidding, let me speed up and slam on breaks one more time, get you closer my friend. Okay, that will be twice what you thought it would cost. Also, tip, remember, I get bags for you earlier.
The Airline Worker Who Checks You In
Hi, last name? Oh, you have an incredibly stupid question about your flight that I’ve already been asked 300 times today? No, no, I’d love to answer it, let me just really quickly flash a look to one of my co-workers to indicate what a f*&king idiot you are. Okay, done. Now, I’ll answer that question with a response that provides no answer at all, but sounds enough like it does that everyone waiting behind you will get super pissed if you ask it again. Is that the only baggage you’ll be checking? Let me tell you about how we’re charging for that now, so that you can act really shocked and outraged, even though there’s not one thing I can do about it, and you already knew about this months ago because every news outlet in the entire world has reported on it. Okay, thanks, now please move to the side so that when I ignore anything else you might ask, it will be less awkward. Thanks!
The Baggage Handlers Who Put Your Bags In The Plane
Since I work one of those jobs that isn’t rewarded for “doing a good job” I’m going to go ahead and make sure I do a bad job. Just to make sure everyone knows how I feel about my current professional situation. I spend every day watching happy people going off on happy vacations while I sit here, making barely minimum wage. Do you think I can afford to go on vacation? I can not. So today, instead of relaxing on an isolated beach with an ice cold margarita, I’m going to get out the frustrations of my failed life by treating your belongings the same way Rex Grossman treats a football – I’m just going to close my eyes and throw it as hard as I can. Yeah, that feels a lot better. I hope you have a great trip.
Stewardess On The Flight
I’m not sure where the “flying whores” reputation came from, but I am sick and tired of every male passenger looking at me like I’m just dying to give him a blowjob in the bathroom. I’ve been married for 36 years. I’ve never had sex with anyone on a plane, not even my husband, and we’ve been on, like, a million flights together. Is it this outfit they make us wear? It doesn’t seem all that sexy. It’s a long skirt and a white shirt. It’s not like my ass is hanging out or anything. I’m so sick of this job. I have dreams about the seat belt speech. I mean, I’m a waitress, when it comes down to it. But I don’t get tips. And I could die if the something goes wrong. Jesus, what was I thinking? If I was aiming this low, I could’ve been a secretary and I wouldn’t have to worry about Achmad sending me to hell with the other infidels. Yeah, I’ll get you a pillow. Shit, remember to smile at these assholes.
The Pilot Who Is Flying Your Plane
Hi, this is your captain speaking, I’m going to be periodically waking you up from time to time, pointing out things outside your window that you can’t see, telling you the air temperature and how high up we are. None of that matters, I just figure if I’m awake, why shouldn’t you be? Okay, I’m going to go ahead and choose to just fly faster, and just tell you that we’re “making great time.” We can always fly this fast, it’s just that if we did, I wouldn’t be able to say that. Oh, and one more time, I know we just served you drinks so I’m gonna go ahead and tell you that if you’ll lean over everyone that’s sitting near a window and inconvenience them, you’ll see a tiny spec on the ground below that’s the lake of the Ozarks. Alrighty, we’re about to land, I’m going to pretend this is an F-18 fighter jet and really just slam right into the ground to make sure that luggage above you moves. Thanks for flying with us.
Your Family Who Picks You Up From The Airport
Great, you made it. I can see you didn’t get that haircut I mentioned the last time you were here. Is it really a surprise that you don’t have a girlfriend? And that jacket. Do you even have a job anymore? You do? Well, are you having money problems? You’re not? How can a man manage to live on this earth for thirty years and still not know how to dress himself? I really thought you’d grow out of that “grunge” phase. I guess I was wrong. Your cousin, the really successful one in New York, he doesn’t feel the need to dress up like a homeless man. And he’s younger than you. Oh well, I guess I must’ve raised you wrong. Whatever it was that I did, I’m sorry. I tried, but I guess it’s hard to teach a child how to dress himself like an adult and have manners when you’re working a full time job. The least you could do is put in a little effort. If not for me, then for your grandmother. How many more Christmases are you going to have with her? Did you ever think about it like that? Apparently not, Mr. I’m Going To Wear My Hobo Outfit To Christmas. She won’t show it, but sometimes when you’re not looking, your grandmother cries. A lot. And she’s probably crying because of the way you’re dressed. It’s really good to see you, though. How was your trip?
"Okay, I’m going to go ahead and choose to just fly faster, and just tell you that we’re “making great time.” We can always fly this fast, it’s just that if we did, I wouldn’t be able to say that." Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I laughed the hardest at the taxi driver. It was so unPC and I pretty much kissed the screen for it. I actually did something else, but I am a lady, and ladies don't kiss and tell. Though I did say I kissed the screen, which technically negates my aforementioned sentence, but the "kiss" I was referring to was a dry hump. Crap, I spilled anyway. Oh well, must be the medication wearing off. And yes, I do take medication. It is only a funny comment when people that truly take it, use it. Word to your motha.
This was a hilarious article and about the comment that the pilot's kind of young I'm 19 and fly C-130's for the USAF so do we want to talk about young pilots
Good article, btw. You're seriously 30 and still dress grunge? Well...I mean if you were hardcore when you were 12 I don't doubt that you're mildly still hardcore at 30.
Thank you for the coherent article.
May I suggest that you either change your font or at least put a little more spacing between the lines? It's a little hard on my eyes.
I love the taxi driver one. They are so scary.. I just sit there and keep my mouth shut or else they start screaming about something and I have no clue what they are talking about.
This grandma didn't get the memo to put her shampoo in a clear plastic bag. I'll teach her a thing or two about life in the 21st century. Aha! an 8oz jar of souvenir Florida marmalade. Trying to blow up our plane with that? I think I'll just have to do some confiscation.
KANDAHAR AIRFIELD -- Hundreds of coalition soldiers lined the tarmac Saturday to pay their respects to Pte. Michael Freeman, the latest Canadian to be killed during what has been the deadliest month of 2008 for this country's forces in Afghanistan.Freeman, 28, died Friday when the light-armoured vehicle he was driving was struck by an explosive device in southern Afghanistan's volatile Kandahar province.He was the 104th Canadian soldier to lose his life in Afghanistan, and the seventh to be killed this month. The soldier's parents weren't ready to talk about their fallen son yet, said Freeman's grandfather, reached at his home in Peterborough, Ont., which is also the soldier's hometown.The parents were dealing with their tragedy "as good as you can expect under the circumstances," said Gordon Freeman, who added he expects his son and daughter-in-law to release a statement Sunday.Michael Freeman's uncle Paul told Canwest News Service the parents were "pretty grief-stricken at the moment, obviously."Gordon Freeman described his grandson - his son's only son -as "a quiet lad. He was close to family."Michael developed an interest in the military after completing Air Cadets and joined the CanadianForces after a friend had, said Freeman, who described the fallen soldier by saying: "As a grandson, he would be tops in his field.
That 19 year old is full shit. I actually fly Herks in the USAF, so when did you find time to get a bachelor's degree, attend SUPT to get your wings (which is 55 weeks long), and finish up your training at Little Rock AFB (C-130 FTU) which is around 6 months, all before you turned 20. And I didnt even mention CST or WST, and if you are a pilot you will know what they are. You gotta be a prodigy bro or a liar!
(22 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
December 12th, 2008 at 11:00 am
That my friend, is how you own somebody...
December 11th, 2008 at 01:45 pm
first comment!
December 11th, 2008 at 02:17 pm
Rex Grossman comment was awesome!
December 11th, 2008 at 02:19 pm
Wait... the stewardess doesn't want to rush to the bathroom to give me head?
December 11th, 2008 at 02:38 pm
I thought the whole "flying whores" thing only applied to Continental and Singapore Airlines.
December 11th, 2008 at 03:04 pm
This is some good old fashion steak and potatoes Holy Taco; I love it.
December 11th, 2008 at 04:22 pm
funny shit
December 11th, 2008 at 05:40 pm
Excellent!
December 11th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
I agree wholeheartedly.
Holy Taco, when you're good - you're good.
December 12th, 2008 at 01:56 am
"Okay, I’m going to go ahead and choose to just fly faster, and just tell you that we’re “making great time.” We can always fly this fast, it’s just that if we did, I wouldn’t be able to say that." Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I laughed the hardest at the taxi driver. It was so unPC and I pretty much kissed the screen for it. I actually did something else, but I am a lady, and ladies don't kiss and tell. Though I did say I kissed the screen, which technically negates my aforementioned sentence, but the "kiss" I was referring to was a dry hump. Crap, I spilled anyway. Oh well, must be the medication wearing off. And yes, I do take medication. It is only a funny comment when people that truly take it, use it. Word to your motha.
December 12th, 2008 at 05:36 am
Wow, thats a cool cockpit image. That captian looks kinda young doesnt he?
Jess
www.anonymity.cz.tc
December 12th, 2008 at 05:54 am
This was a hilarious article and about the comment that the pilot's kind of young I'm 19 and fly C-130's for the USAF so do we want to talk about young pilots
December 12th, 2008 at 08:41 am
A 19-year old C-130 Pilot. HAH.
Good article, btw. You're seriously 30 and still dress grunge? Well...I mean if you were hardcore when you were 12 I don't doubt that you're mildly still hardcore at 30.
December 12th, 2008 at 09:53 am
Thank you for the coherent article.
May I suggest that you either change your font or at least put a little more spacing between the lines? It's a little hard on my eyes.
I love the taxi driver one. They are so scary.. I just sit there and keep my mouth shut or else they start screaming about something and I have no clue what they are talking about.
December 12th, 2008 at 11:41 am
I am a luggage thrower and yes i do that stuff but unlike the article i fly for free so i can actually afford a vacation.
December 12th, 2008 at 01:17 pm
Rex Grossman comment was MONEY!
December 12th, 2008 at 03:55 pm
So where's the TSA guy?
This grandma didn't get the memo to put her shampoo in a clear plastic bag. I'll teach her a thing or two about life in the 21st century. Aha! an 8oz jar of souvenir Florida marmalade. Trying to blow up our plane with that? I think I'll just have to do some confiscation.
December 12th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Um, I know that pilot. I wonder if he will be pissed his picture is being used, or if he will forward this to everyone he knows
December 14th, 2008 at 09:11 pm
Hmm.. Excellent...
I was really wondering while reading this article, people who deals with us while travelling really thinks like this ??
January 4th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
KANDAHAR AIRFIELD -- Hundreds of coalition soldiers lined the tarmac Saturday to pay their respects to Pte. Michael Freeman, the latest Canadian to be killed during what has been the deadliest month of 2008 for this country's forces in Afghanistan.Freeman, 28, died Friday when the light-armoured vehicle he was driving was struck by an explosive device in southern Afghanistan's volatile Kandahar province.He was the 104th Canadian soldier to lose his life in Afghanistan, and the seventh to be killed this month. The soldier's parents weren't ready to talk about their fallen son yet, said Freeman's grandfather, reached at his home in Peterborough, Ont., which is also the soldier's hometown.The parents were dealing with their tragedy "as good as you can expect under the circumstances," said Gordon Freeman, who added he expects his son and daughter-in-law to release a statement Sunday.Michael Freeman's uncle Paul told Canwest News Service the parents were "pretty grief-stricken at the moment, obviously."Gordon Freeman described his grandson - his son's only son -as "a quiet lad. He was close to family."Michael developed an interest in the military after completing Air Cadets and joined the CanadianForces after a friend had, said Freeman, who described the fallen soldier by saying: "As a grandson, he would be tops in his field.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
It's 112 now!
http://www.cbc.ca/world/story/2009/03/09/afghan-ramp.html
January 22nd, 2009 at 09:52 am
That 19 year old is full shit. I actually fly Herks in the USAF, so when did you find time to get a bachelor's degree, attend SUPT to get your wings (which is 55 weeks long), and finish up your training at Little Rock AFB (C-130 FTU) which is around 6 months, all before you turned 20. And I didnt even mention CST or WST, and if you are a pilot you will know what they are. You gotta be a prodigy bro or a liar!
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