I’m going to be honest, I work on the internet, I’m on a computer for like 15 hours a day but there’s some shit I still know nothing about in any meaningful way. I have never actually been to SomethingAwful.com. I didn’t know what Gangnam Style or Carly Rae Jepsen were for months after they got popular. I avoid things if I feel I would have no interest in them which is why I know Etsy only by reputation. I saw a post about Game of Thrones merchandise you can buy on Etsy once, and it was weird. But now I’ll go look, for you, and write about what I saw. So grab a drink, it’s going to be rough.
The first thing Etsy is drawing my eye to is iPhone 5 accessories. And right below that is a birdhouse, a “chunky” throw blanket and a pencil holder made from… I don’t know. I have to click to find the end of the word. It starts with “bea.” Bear skin? Bean paste? Beaver? Beached whale leather? I don’t know!
The iPhone 5 accessories seem like they’d be the most depressing, so I’ll go there.
That colorful shit aside, is that a piece of driftwood being used as a docking station? Or is it just errant forest refuse? Why is it a chunk of wood? Worse, when you click it, you end up here, with so much more wood.
iPhone 5 users apparently love wood. I’m not surprised. Finish that joke in your own head, I have to move on to something else, the Men category. What does Etsy have for men? Steaks, guns and titties? Or maybe this!
What the hell is happening in this screencap? Is that guy on the top left a final Fantasy character? And is the guy on the bottom right a hobo who made his own glasses out of a tree? And is that a triceratops? What?
Yes, it was a triceratops and look at all the rest of them. I have yet to fully grasp the point behind Etsy. Like, I get you can buy stuff here, but I don’t get it. Is it hipster stuff? Nerd stuff? Stuff that they’re daring someone to buy like a weird joke? Is the stuff possessed? God, that would suck. Imagine buying that shitty wooden iPhone docking station, you get it home and the damn thing has the spirit of some kind of unsettled shaman inside it and then it starts doing all kinds of Paranormal Activity shit in your house. Thanks, Etsy.
There’s a link on the mainpage to Halloween stuff, so why not click that?
Oh man. That kid on the bottom right has the long and short of it. Head down, air of depression, he knows he’s on Etsy. Incidentally, scrolling from top to bottom of this page, about 40% of everything here also seems to be made of wood. On the weddings page the first thing I saw was wooden cufflinks. Are the people who sell on Etsy all tree humpers?
Eventually as I perused the site, I ran afoul of this image. Stare into the abyss, kids. It was at this point I figured I’d seen exactly as much as I needed to see and was now done . I understand the site as well as anyone can – Etsy is a site that sells shit I don’t want. Whatever I can think of that I wouldn’t want, especially if it’s wooden, it’s on Etsy.