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What to Expect from the New World of Warcraft Expansion

World of Warcraft, the illegitimate father of modern gaming, is about to expand its universe like trousers making room for a half chub.  Mists of Pandaria will be the 4th expansion to the ridiculously popular cash machine and offers gamers the chance to play as fighting panda bear monks, so how could that be bad?  And while we know what changes will take place in the game (hint, stuff that would bore you shitless if I listed it here), less well known are the real world effects of a WoW expansion.  Behold!

Nergasms

Nerds love nerdy things, it’s a straight up fact.  Case in point – Star Wars.  Star Wars is exceptionally nerdy and to this day people will spout off about the hotness of Carrie Fisher in those movies, particularly as slave girl Leia.  I don’t want to start a revolution or anything, but if Carrie Fisher had looked exactly the same and starred in any non nerd-themed movie, especially one featuring just about any other actress, you wouldn’t have remembered she even existed.  If Carrie Fisher was one of Charlie’s Angels she would have been remembered as “the Angel that looked like Carrie Fisher.”  If she’d been in Dirty Harry she would have been “that dude who looked more haggard than Clint.”  If she was in 10 she would have been Dudley Moore.  God willing you’ve seen some of these movies.

Now that we’ve established nerds like to elevate nerdy things to lofty heights whether they deserve it or not, Mists of Pandaria is set to set up a wave of nergasming about pretty much every facet of the game which will pollute message boards all over the internet.  Grown men will be espousing the glory of the battle pet system, wherein you have tiny animals that can play fight other tiny animals within the WoW universe and is, for all intents and purposes, Pokemon.

Others will express their love of the Pandaren race, Asian stereotype panda bears that live in a very Chinese setting and know kung fu, fight with the power of Chi and are all fat.

Flame wars will erupt as people try to defend this expansion over other expansions because arguing over what video game is superior to what other video game is something people literally spend time on in the real world and science has no idea why.

Nerd Rage

The dark side of nergasms is nerd rage.  These people will be the ones arguing with the nergasmers on those message boards.  People who hate the pet battle system, who think the ne expansion is the worst expansion ever and if Blizzard doesn’t get their act together then they’re just going to cancel their subscription to warcraft and find something else to do for 14 hours a day in a dark, stuffy room.  That’ll show ‘em.  That’ll show everyone!  Except people outside.

Fact is gamers, possibly more than anyone else on Earth, love to bitch.  And they don’t stop doing what makes them bitch, they just bitch while they do it and a new game expansion is like Christmas morning for these sad sacks.  All kinds of new and terrible things are waiting to ruin their day and they’ll itemize them in weird, desperate manifestos that they post in the most ridiculous places, lamenting how awesome things used to be and how now everything is worse than French kissing a hobo’s anus.

Absenteeism

Traditionally, Blizzard released their expansions at midnight so you don’t have to wait until stores open like a normal person might.  This year they also offered digital copies of the game, but you still can’t play it until midnight on the release date.  And that means, come 9 am the next morning, people will not be showing up to work or class.  Because 9 hours will be barely enough time to explore all of Pandaria, let alone level your 85 all the way to 90, run a few new dungeons and start your new Monk character.

With all the stuff that needs to get done in an expansion as fast as humanly possible, the hard core nerds will probably be able to level their character from 85 to 90 in just that time, you’re going to need at least a couple of days off of work (and sleep) just to cram it all in.  Then you need a weekend to decompress, allow your guild to catch up, and formulate all the thoughts you have about why you hate the new expansion.  It’s a very time consuming endeavor.

A Day to Avoid Shopping

Never go to a store that sells games, or near one, on the day of a big release.  This isn’t a WoW exclusive, ,lots of games have these big releases nowadays, but Warcraft is certainly one of the more noteworthy ones if for no other reason than you’re going to be confronted by the miscreants who can’t wait to buy it but also don’t have access to a credit card to download a digital copy.  These may be the worst of the worst.  People who can’t be trusted with credit yet who need to pretend to be a virtual panda bear.  Do not turn your back on them and for God’s sake don’t use the mall bathroom when they’re around.

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