You think of strip clubs
as all fun and games and nipple tassles, but there’s oodles more to it than all of that. There’s boiled perogie dinners, there’s the old guy who is there 7 nights a week, there’s that mysterious sheen on the pole and there’s a world of hurt waiting around every corner. And we don’t just mean the nearly 1,000,000 results you get when you Google “strip club shooting.” We mean the sneaky, sly methods of pain and suffering hidden under every thong and around the curve of every boobie. Beware!
Kick in the Face
Early in your strip club faring career you were probably apprised of the official rules, which mostly consist of “never touch the girls.” That rule is universal, unless you’re a high rolling Japanese business-man or you’re at Porky’s. For the rest of us there’s the looming threat of broken hands or a bouncer ass-kicking.
Despite everyone knowing this, sometimes the allure of ass mixes with vodka and stupidity to form a kind of “how bad could this idea be?” cocktail that results in a dude reaching out to smack a cheek.
When Michael Ireland fell victim to his own foolish whim, the ass he slapped sent an impulse to the brain located in the same body and the stripper in question turned around and kicked him square in the beak. This was no gentle tap either, she broke his nose and the bones around his eye, meaning those were some sharp ass stilettos. Horrible, yet inexplicably hot.
So the source on this is shaky at best but we gave up on trying to get a Pulitzer a few months back, so it’s cool. The gist of this story? Massive nut trauma. But remember, it’s not the destination, it’s the journey.
Marc Sims was enjoying an evening of dance with his chums when one particular lady invited him up on stage. After a bit of sweet talking, Sims agreed. He got on stage, laid down, and she sat on his chest. Sound reasonable so far? Cool. Then she dropped a furious haymaker right on his balls.
What motivates a stripper to drop the hammer on your goodie bag? Who knows. But according to Sims he had to crawl off stage and later that night his nut was the size of a grapefruit. Know what the cure for that is? Neither did the doctor who had to remove it.
Kids in Car
You know how sometimes you’re driving along and you’re thinking “man, I wish I had some nudity going on” and then serendipity comes and sits on your face in the form of a strip club? Sure you do. Now forget that and read about this dude who locked his kids in the car so he cold watch a jiggle show.
Late one evening, Michael Galloway was all “I need boobies” and parked his car haphazardly in the parking lot outside of a local strip club. Some time later, reports say a few hours, a tow truck driver noticed the illegally parked vehicle. Then he noticed the 3 year old and 9 month old locked inside. Oh shit, you’re in trouble now!
Turns out that Galloway lived in a jurisdiction where locking your kids in the car so you can go look at strippers is frowned upon and was charged with child endangerment. Let that be a lesson to you next time you’re thinking of taking junior out to visit a rub and tug, or maybe run a train on some ladies of ill-repute; bring the kids with you when you go in. It’s inhumane to leave them outside and it will cost you in the end.
You need to be careful at some strip clubs in Jamaica, because lesbians will kick your ass. Like brutally. Hilariously. Lesbianally. That made up word looks super dirty now that we’ve written it. Awesome.
Regular, god-fearing pervs were starting to feel left out and unloved as hordes of aggressive box fairies descended upon strip clubs and started taking up the front rows, drawing all the attention of the dancers. Men who dared speak out against this tyranny were beaten. Many times. In one incident a bouncer was shot. By a lesbian named Candy. That’s the plot of at least a dozen pornos. Or it should be. Lesbianally.
In another incident, a rage-filled stamp licker got into an argument with a man over a stripper and, rather than try to sort out their differences in a friendly manner over a cup of tea or some such, she opted to shoot him.
The best part of this story is probably all that stuff about lesbians and strippers and violence. But if you let that settle for a while, it’s worth noting that the story we cited all this from actually includes quotes from witnesses written in Jamaican, which all this time we figured was English but with a Jamaican accent, but isn’t. Read that shit, it’s awesome.
The Wallet Grab
You can’t really enjoy a trip to a strip club without wasting a f*ckton of cash, that’s half the reason strip clubs exist and if you’ve ever done a night out right, you spent way more than you intended. And the memories will last you a life time.
Robert McCormick wanted to shame all men by going on the most epic strip club bender in history. And he did so by spending $241,000, which is pretty awesome. That awesome was then compounded by the fact the money came from the corporate credit card he was carrying with him. Any man that can bill nearly a quarter of a million dollars worth of tits to his boss is fearlessly insane and awesome.
After the fact, McCormick argued that the strip club had shanghaied him and he hadn’t authorized that much money at all. He only spent $20,000. At a strip club. Still awesome.
The result was a lawsuit involving McCormick, his company, the strip club and American Express, who must have this guy’s bill framed at the head office. The lawsuit was settled with undisclosed terms and McCormick lost his job. If he was married we like to assume he lost a decent percentage of his testicles as well.
Do you know who isn’t cool? Paul Shimkonis. And it’s not just because of his name. It’s because of his tender, little Lord Fauntleroy disposition and massively gaping vagina. Paul is a bit of a pussified American and that reputation has been haunting him for 14 years thanks to websites like this one.
Back in 1996, Shimkonis was attending his bachelor party at a strip club. The feature dancer that night, 69-HH Tawny Peaks, decided to give him a special dance and hopped on board, jamming her breasts in his face. It was at this point Shimkonis realize he had never been graced with testicles, good sense or any concept of how much of a f*cking idiot he would look like for the rest of time if he went ahead with what he was about to do.
Shimkonis sued Tawny and the strip club because of the terrible damage he suffered at the hands of those boobs. He sued for $15,000 for bodily injury, pain and suffering, mental anguish, disfigurement and loss of capacity for the enjoyment of life among other things. Basically he took some blind stabs at the “f*cktarded reasons to sue a pair of boobies” wall and that’s what he came up with. We can only hope his family and friends had disavowed all knowledge of him at this point.
To resolve the matter, the farce was taken one step further as the case was tried on the People’s Court. No shit, that actually happened. Judge Ed Koch, not remotely as retarded as Shimkonis, gave the man the boot and awarded him nothing other than a lifetime of shame and the knowledge that no one will ever forget that this dude’s reaction to giant boobs in his face was to complain of mental anguish.