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What Your Car Really Says About You

Like it or not, people will formulate opinions and ideas about you based on their initial observations, like how you dress, who you’re with, and what kind of vehicle you drive.  You have to be careful, though, because sometimes the message that you think you’re sending isn’t always the one that people receive.  Here’s what your car really says about you:
Sports Car
What You Think It Says: There are three kinds of people in this world: old people, pussies, and people who think that speed limits are for old people and pussies. I’m in the latter category. I live on the edge of my seat all the time. I’m an accomplished guy. I’ve been successful in life and I don’t mind showing it off a little bit.  Plus, I saw something on the internet that said chicks are instinctively aroused by the sound of a revving engine.
What It Really Says: Small penis + Midlife Crisis = This Guy.

What You Think It Says: I am a completely normal person. I might have a family, but it consists of no more than two children.  Sometimes I have friends that I need to take places.  Sometimes I go to the grocery store and buy so much bologna and pickles that I can’t fit it all in my trunk.  For these reasons, I require the use of a backseat from time to time, so I have chosen to drive a car that gives me the extra passenger/cargo room while still being economical and compact.

What It Really Says: I’m an unremarkable person who lives alone, unless you count my cat, which I do every year on my taxes.  I mark myself down as Head of Household, though. Suck it, Mr. Whiskers!

What You Think It Says: I’m a man of the world. I live and work in the hustle-and-bustle of the big city, but when I’m not makin’ mad money I like to retreat to the tranquile solace of the wilderness. With my SUV, I can easily negotiate the chaotic city traffic and handle the off-road trails that my nature-loving side so desperately craves. My car is an all-in-one fun wagon.
What It Really Says: This one time I was planning on going camping over the summer, so I got this sweet SUV so I could get up to the mountains. Then the trip got cancelled because my best friend stole my girlfriend away from me. They still went camping without me. Also, I love spending money on gas.
Pick-Up Truck
What You Think It Says: I’m a workin’ man.  I got stuff I need to take from one place to the other. Big stuff. Y’know, like wood and bricks and stuff. You want me to build you somethin’? ‘Cause I can if you want me to. Anything you want. You want a treehouse? You got it.  You want a car port for your RV? I can do that, too. I’ll just have to bring over some big stuff to build it with. Luckily, I got a big ol’ pick up truck, so it’s no problem.
What It Really Says: My dad’s letting me borrow his truck while my Maxima is in the shop.

What You Think It Says: Just because my wife made me trade in my Camaro for this used minivan doesn’t mean I can’t still whoop your ass.  Maybe you didn’t see that badass Yosemite Sam bumper sticker on the back.  Sure, the kids put it there, but it’s still pretty badass.  You might not think it, but this baby has got some power under the hood.  It’s basically just a cool truck with a camper built on top of it.  And it’s shaped like a condom. So, it’s a condom-shaped truck with a camper on it…and a sliding door. Also, there’s built in child seats, and it came with a built-in DVD player and some free Dora the Explorer DVDs. But aside from that, it’s basically the same as a badass truck, man.
What It Really Says: I’m my wife’s bitch.

Creepy Van
What You Think It Says: Um…I work as a painter. Yeah, that’s it: I’m a painter! I use this van to carry my paint in. Yeah,…paint. I blacked out the windows because sunlight is bad for paint. What do you mean you’ve never heard that before? Yeah, it’s true: sunlight is really bad for paint. No, you can’t look in the back. No particular reason, I just don’t want you to look back there, that’s all. It’s full of paint stuff. It’s all messy. What do you mean ‘what’s that sound’? I didn’t hear anything. I’ve got to go now.
What It Really Says: I’m a rapist.
What You Think It Says: This isn’t just my means of transportation. It’s a lifestyle. You see this sweet dreamcatcher bandana? Yeah, that’s right. It’s awesome. I got room for one more on here, baby. But be careful, because I’m a loner. I go where the open road takes me. All I need is the wind in my hair and the open highway.  Sure, you can jump on the back, but don’t get too attached. You might get hurt. Also, be really careful when I’m squeezing between cars at a red light, because sometimes it gets tight, and people get pissed if you bump their rearview mirrors.
What It Really Says: I dropped out of high school and fixed up this dirt bike when I was 17.  It’s the only thing I own, and it’s the only thing I’ve got going for me.
Public Transportation
What You Think It Says: I’m not like all these poor, bologna sandwich-eating fools on this bus. I’m different. As soon as I get my GED, I’m going to get a better job and be driving to my new, high-paying job in my own car. Everyone else on the bus/train/trolly can tell that I’m better than this. It’s so obvious.

What It Really Says: Dammit! I left my bologna sandwich on the bus again!

66 Responses to "What Your Car Really Says About You"

  1. office jerk says:

    learn how to use the word “solace”. thanks for playing.

  2. bb.com misc bigdipper88 rep me bishes says:

    DOnt mess with bikers, we will fuck you up. oh and i have a pick up for when my bike breaks down. stfu rice burners you gonna get raped, u mad brah? come at me bro!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Superfresh says:

    bikes are gay

  4. bullshigat says:

    I drive a riding mower. Its really just a push mower with a plastic lawn chair taped to it. Economical!

  5. marymaryquitecontrary says:

    The pc term is ‘fags’

  6. Keiffer29 says:

    ok… so wtf is it ok to drive, then smart ass? Id like to see the shit box this fucker drives… watch him say a luxury car, which, of course doesn’t make him look like a hypocritical douchebag

  7. TX says:

    You mean it’s a Mexican Segway?

  8. maxverbia says:

    Wow, everyone is so freaking uptight. This post was hilarious, don’t take it so seriously if you happen to drive one of these. Minivan was the best, and lets face, you don’t drive one unless you’re your wife’s bitch and have a family.


    Let’s see how many people cry over that one

  9. John says:

    Probably the lamest piece of shit article to touch the web in a while. Wow.

  10. DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:

    Weak sauce!

  11. DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:

    Shit kid, you must have an IQ no higher than room temperature! CONGRATULATIONS!!! You FINALLY figured out how to accurately clone a pseudonym! How many weeks did it take you to crack the obvious, eh??!!??!!

    And you wonder why I call you a fuckwit!!??!!??

  12. assman says:

    geo metro does not fit in any of these, but i’m a rapist

  13. penis in ur face says:

    wow evry one who got upset is a idiot he is saying thats what the car says. he is saying that people will judge you for what you drive. people who took seriouly = over dramatic pussy. but that is also the opinion your giving me you could be the coolest person ever but people will still form a opinoin. quote from what author said “people will formulate opinions and ideas about you based on their initial observations, like how you dress, who you’re with, and what kind of vehicle you drive.” so stop crying that people think ur a rapist because you drive a van because it is 100% true

  14. marymaryquitecontrary says:

    Oh, I’m sure they do. Just not when they’re being called out about being dickless pussies :)
    I’m especially impressed with dude who thinks anyone believes he’s 24 and owns every vehicle but 1 shown.. haha

  15. Cheeseborger says:

    Totally rehashed cliche jokes. Fail.

  16. Umhm says:

    Every single one of these lists only give negative opinions. Basically unless you walk your being made fun of. All the lists on hear make fun of every option. I wish they wouldmake a suggestion of what something good is.

  17. MrTsunami says:

    Gee, when I clicked on the article, I thought there may have been some insightful information. I was curious what my Infiniti said about me. Instead it was a complete waist of my time. If worthless dribble like this is what I find when I click off a link of AskMen…I might stop reading that too!
    If I were a truck owner, I would actually run over the girly BITCH that wrote this thing! Oh Yeah!

    PS I’ll happily exchange a penus size for those 3 rods (1st picture) to be at my constant becken call! You Dum ass!

  18. marymaryquitecontrary says:

    Your infiniti says “I didn’t even finish high school, but my parents are loaded. I’m desperate to get noticed but will never be without an expensive car that I name drop at any oppurtunity. I have only gotten laid when I pay for it”
    Obviously, you don’t even have a penis seeing as you don’t know how to spell it.

  19. JohnnyBrillcream says:

    You could have saved time and just said “if you drive anything you’re a douche bag”.

  20. Motorist says:

    This article was unimaginative, pointless, and most of all not funny.

  21. deathtoearth says:

    What about smartcars/hybrids….those people are pricks. “Look at me I am so environmentally responsible” what it really says “I’m a pretentious prick and I am unaware of the fact that my vehicle still requires energy in the form of electricity which comes from coal plants which also contribute to pollution so I am therefore a ignorant pretentious prick”. I hate those pricks.

  22. tree huggers suck says:

    Don’t forget the fact that the money they “save” on gas is spent on the upcharge to buy that very hybrid.

  23. your mom says:

    I love being gagged and thrown in a good chevy rape van for some good urban fun, if I can’t have Obama I can at least have his supporters in me.

  24. John says:

    nah your just a fag

  25. marymaryquitecontrary says:

    I wish you knew the difference between hear (what you do with your ears) and here (this place, here)

  26. DonkeyXote says:

    Damn it mom come on! Can you at least finish me off before going on HT!

  27. Anal Onymous says:

    Lol, so true following HT logic no matter what car you own, you’ll look like a douchebag

  28. Ben Affleck says:

    Not true. If you happen to own the General Lee, K.I.T.T, the A-Team “Free candy” van, or Magnum PI’s Ferrari, you are only a right bleeding faggot. But, ah, not a douche bag.

  29. William Shatner says:

    you guys forgot the Smart car.

  30. sick bastard says:

    is there any car that DOESN’T suck?

  31. Han Solo says:

    What does a spaceship say about you?

  32. mmmmmmmhmmmmmmm says:

    Driving an Infinity tells me that half of your meals through out the year consists of canned tuna, mayo and store brand white bread just so you can say “I drive an Infiniti” instead of “I drive a Nissan”.

    Go kill yourself for being superficial beyond your means.

  33. DonkeyXote is the new Philosopher says:

    I drive a CX-7 and I fuckin hate it.

  34. Colin says:

    I think all this article says is that the author loves to judge people on his close minded view of the world…not what a car says about someone

  35. Anotheranon says:

    All this time, I thought I bought a sports car because it was fast, handles well, and is suited to SCCA club racing. How foolish of me to think I bought a sedan so I didn’t have to drive my loud, impractical sports car every day. I must be downright stupid to have bought a truck so that I didn’t have to put extra miles on my sports car while towing it to races.

    Wow, clearly this author is superior to me in every conceivable way! He knew I was having a mid life crisis and everything. I guess he knows I’m only gonna live to be 48, since I just bought my sports car at 24.

    I bow down to your all knowing prowess, you exemplary specimen of the human race! I wish I was a successful blogger (troll) just like you!

  36. Chad Rinko says:

    Wow, that yellow corvette is amazing.


  37. ASS says:

    what about hatchbacks?

  38. justin bieber says:

    Hilarious H.T. (h.t. means holy taco)for the people in the south. Guys who drive pick ups are totally gay by the way!
    Especially if they have Chrome rims.

  39. Gomer says:

    The two people above me have no sense of humor.

  40. kraxon says:

    Audi didn’t make the A4 until 97 dick balls, I even have a cat and I know that

  41. assfinger says:

    Kraxon u r right and I really wonder if it’s the cat or my finger stentch that keeps driving the ladies away!

  42. assfinger says:

    And my Audi qualifies as a sedan?!?! MMMMM strange but it work for bringing the ladies over and also get catfood from the store!

  43. Audi_S8 says:

    Actually, the Audi A4 debuted in 1996, the first runs did not even come with Quattro. Quattro came a bit later in the same year.

    On another note, my S8 counts as a sedan?!?!?!

    I resent that…..and my huge maintenance bills for trying to own a 360 hp “sedan”…..I should have just bought a sports car…..I’m stupid…..

  44. You're missing a few details says:

    The fact that you have a 1992 A4 does not make you cool. And those ladies you speak, it doesn’t count if they’re related to you. Not to mention that you are single and have a cat clearly tells us all that you indeed GAY! GAY! GAY!

  45. mmmmm says:

    actually i heard the A4 was a secret government project since the 80′s. you can all suck my dick.

  46. mmmmmmmhmmmmmmm says:

    Everything is a secret government project until it passes a plethora of government testing, then its passed onto the public.

    Eat a dick for being stupid and uneducated.

  47. Frank Reynolds says:

    It’s not a rape van, it’s a spy can!

  48. DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:


  49. OB269 says:


  50. durp durp says:

    what do i do when i’m first?

  51. DonkeyXote, says:

    Well, when I’m first, it means I get to stick it in his ass before he does it to me. But that’s just me ;)

  52. Skidmark Steve says:

    Let me ride! = http://bit.ly/z81OR

  53. DonkeyXote's Dad, Uncle, Grandfather and Cousin says:

    you are an embarrassment

  54. EL POOKADOR says:


  55. BuggerOff! says:

    First!! I got a bad-ass truck to haul around my bad-ass motorcycle since I don’t want to ride the motorcycle between cities… I don’t want to be that bad-ass.

  56. clubf00t says:

    so then what car doesn’t make u look like an asshole, rapist, or retard?

  57. Douche says:

    Not yours…Asshole, rapist & retard!

  58. Ann T Christ says:

    That pink Neon your boyfriend bought you

  59. clubf00t says:

    but i love my pink neon

  60. DamnCali says:

    sooo I have a mazda 3s…im a chick, oversized clit maybe?

  61. Ann T Christ says:

    and one surgery away from being a guy with a little cock

  62. Audi_S8 says:

    A Mazda 3 says……you’re a chick……or just recently landed your first real job…..that is all.

  63. V@gina says:

    If you are a chick, why do you read this shit?

    …dumbass chick

  64. pratik says:

    Should’ve put an Epic Beard Guy reference on the bus description.

  65. Ehowa is way better says:

    So i’m to assume that everyone at holytaco falls under the sedan category?

  66. Mr Magoo says:

    I drive a hearse. I think it says:
    “I’m a faggot. not just any faggot. A GOTH faggot. I listen to nothing but the cure all day long in my hearse.”

    What it really says:
    “I’m a faggot. not just any faggot. A GOTH faggot. I listen to nothing but the cure all day long in my hearse.”

    I love men. Kiss my ass.