If you have a job, there’s a good chance that you have to wear a name badge. The type of name badge that you wear says a lot about you, but there’s a good chance that it’s not sending the message that you think it’s sending. Here’s what your name badge really says about you:
Sewn-On Name Patch
What You Think It Says: I’m a workin’ man. I get down and dirty. That’s what real men do. They fix things, and they build things. That’s what I do. I fix and/or build things. That’s Man work, and I’m a man.
What It Really Says: My job requires me to get filthy f*cking dirty all the time, so my company just buys me shirts to wear for my filthy f*cking dirty job, so that they don’t have to pay for dry-cleaning or anything. They only bought me three of these shirts, though, and they don’t really think that I’m competent enough to not lose a name badge, so they just sew it onto my shirt, much like a mother would do with a note to her retarded child’s teacher.
Badge on a Lanyard
What You Think It Says: I’m so busy that I don’t have time to keep track of something as insignificant as a name badge. I have to do things with my hands all day, so I gotta have something that can stay out of the way, but still be functional, like the name badge version of a bluetooth headset. Also, look at all of the different phones and devices that I have around my belt. There’s, like, three different phones down there. Does it look like I have room for a little clip-on name badge? Hell no! I’m way too important for that!
What It Really Says: As soon as I get your computer fixed, there’s a good chance that I’m probably going to try to hang myself with this thing in the bathroom…and I will fail.
Shiny Medal Badge
What You Think It Says: I am somehow involved in law enforcement, and this badge commands respect and signifies my authority. Having said that, I’m still a human being, and I’m reasonable. If you cooperate with me, then we will get along just fine. But don’t question me unless you have a metal badge that’s shinier and more metal-y than mine.
What It Really Says: You’s ’bout ta get tazed, muthaf*cka!
What You Think It Says: This is only my first or second day on the job, and so I haven’t gotten a permenant badge yet, but once I do, I’m gonna take this company by storm! I’m young, I’m educated, and I’ve got a ton of bright, innovative ideas that could protentially revolutionize this business altogether. Look out, company! Here I come!
What It Really Says: TEMP.
Rectangle or Oval Pin Badge
What You Think It Says: Everybody that works here wears a name badge pin just like this, because it’s part of the uniform. It lets customers know that I work here, and if they have any questions about anything at all, this pin let’s them know that I’m here to help, because I’m part of the team. I know the ins and outs of this place, and I can handle anything you can throw at me.
What It Really Says: You want the value meal, or just the sandwich?
No Badge at All
What You Think It Says: Name badge? Are you f*cking kidding me? I don’t need a f*cking name badge. First of all, everyone here knows me already. How could they not? Secondly, I’m so f*cking important that I have to wear a f*cking suit to work. A really nice suit, too. Do you really think that a f*cking name badge goes with a really nice suit? No, it f*cking doesn’t. Trust me, if I could get away with wearing a cheap shirt and a name badge like one of these other f*cking insignificant peon idiots, I totally would. It just so happens that I get paid a lot of f*cking money to be way too awesome for that. Just so you know, the time that it took for me to explain this to you is worth about $2,000. That’s how f*cking important I am.
What It Really Says: There’s a 50% chance that I’m unemployed.