What Your Facial Hair Really Says About You

June 22nd, 2009 | 10:10 am
Your facial hair (or lack thereof) can say a lot about you, but sometimes there's a difference between what you think you're saying with it, and what it's actually telling people. 
 
The Full Beard
 
 
What You Think It Says About You:  I have written, or am currently writing three to four novels and or screenplays.  I think deeply about things, and sometimes I'll just sit and read, because I like reading.  Yeah, that's something I do.  Is your unkempt hipster vagina moist yet?  Plus, despite what my emo-swoop haircut may suggest, I'm comfortable with my masculinity.
 
What It Really Says About You:  a)I never got laid in high school, and used to get the shit kicked out of me, then suddenly realized that if I grew a beard, it hid my nerdy face, b)I've gotten so much poontang in my life that I'm literally TIRED of banging chicks.  Now in an effort to see how ridiculous I can make myself and still get laid, I'm growing this. or c)Don't open a package I might send to you, and stay the F off my lawn.
 
Good For:  Lumberjacks, the Unemployed/Homeless, Pyschos, Hipsters
 
Sentence Heard From This Person: "You should listen to this NPR podcast I downloaded."
 
Who Sports It:
 
 
 
The Goatee
 
 
What You Think It Says About You:  I'm a little bit straight-laced, and a little bit wild. I can get down to business, but I can also party hard, too.  Whatever you want, I'm up for it.
 
What It Really Says About You:  I can tell you who is going to go far in the NHL playoffs, and most likely, if I have sex with you, I'll leave my socks on.  Also, I really want you to look at my mouth, so I circled it in hair.
 
Good For: Noah the Intern, Youth Group Ministers, Bikers
 
Sentence Heard From This Person: "Oh man, that shitter is going to remember me."
 
Who Sports It:
 
 
 
 
Mutton Chops
 
 
What You Think It Says About You:  I'm some kind of artist who makes art that's creative, but also a little bit rebelious.
 
What It Really Says About You:  Ask me about my rebelious, creative art!
 
Good For:  Rock Stars, People with Adamantium Skeletons, Civil War Generals
 
Sentences Heard From This Person: "The best I can do is just express myself, and hope that it connects with someone, somewhere, and they feel what I feel.  Pain."
 
Who Sports It:
 
 
 
 
Manicured Scruff
 
 
What You Think It Says About You:  I'm a relaxed guy who definitely cares about keeping up my appearance, but I'm also relaxed...like I said before.  You remember when I said I was relaxed, right? Because I did say that.
 
What It Really Says About You:  Right now, this is the only thing I have in common with Jason Statham, but I'm working on that.
 
Good For:  Construction Workers, Garbagemen, Homeless Guys Who Found a Razor in the Trash Yesterday
 
Sentences Heard From This Person: "We're sittin' there, and the client doesn't know WHAT the f*&k is going on, and all I can think about is, that new chick from accounting has some tits I'd love to smush my face in, you know what I'm saying?"
 
Who Sports It:
 
 
 
 
Clean Shaven
 
 
What You Think It Says About You:  I care about my appearance, and I paid a lot of money for one of those five-blade razors, so I'm gonna get my money's worth. 
 
What It Really Says About You:  I am afraid to experiment with facial hair, because I have no idea what would happen.  It might grow in all patchy and I'll look like the neighbor from The Burbs or something.  It's better to just avoid it altogether.
 
Good For: Children, Women, The Terminally Ill
 
Sentence Heard From This Person: "I'd love to get coffee with you, I just have to finish some work.  Shall we say Coffee Bean at 8:30?  Tentatively?"
 
Who Sports It:
 
 
 
 
The Soul Patch
 

 
What You Think It Says About You:  I'm hip with the youngsters of today. I understand their television programs, and their music, and their youtubes.  I sent a text message yesterday, too.  That's how hip I am!
 
What It Really Says About You:  I'm playing in a 1998 high school baseball game tomorrow.
 
Good For:  Ska Band Trombone Players, Beatknick Poets, Evil Alter-Egos
 
Sentence Heard From This Person: I just got a hold of this new Rob Thomas album, have you heard this guy?  Great rythym."
 
Who Sports It:
 
 
 
 
The Chin Strap
 
 
What You Think It Says About You:  I have the masculinity for a beard, but I'm also concerned about my appearance, and I take the time to make myself look good and manly.  Plus, nobody else in my boy band has a beard like this.
 
What It Really Says About You:  The name's Bag. Douche Bag.
 
Good For: Boy Band Members, White kids who somehow think black kids wear this facial hair, Asian Bad Guys
 
Sentence Heard From This Person: "You know, it's all 'bout music, you know, I'm just, you know, tryin' to feel what's inside me and express that shit, you know."
 
Who Sports It:
 
 
 
Comments

175 Responses to "What Your Facial Hair Really Says About You"

  1. philosopher Says:

    this is so funny
    Holy Taco needs to do more of this stuff!

  2. Michael Jackson Says:

    quiet cuntnugget

  3. Realism. Says:

    wow, you must think you're so cool, naming yourself after a dead guy and pretending like you dont care about anything by responding to a compliment to the authors with an insult that makes it seem like you're trying to seem important. real cool.
    *waits for ignorant, stupid come-back from a 3-year old*

  4. Miguel Jackson Says:

    I bet he does.

  5. P Says:

    Realism, you are a real cock boy

  6. ZZzz Says:

    i like cheeze

  7. CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE Says:

    OMG ME TOO

  8. CHEESSSEEEGIRL Says:

    I'm actually fucking a cheesseeeeeee....

  9. YourMom Says:

    P - you suck at life, you should probably kill yourself soon.

  10. Steve Irwin Says:

    MORE LIKE CHUNSTRAP AMIRITE?

  11. PATRICK SWAYZE Says:

    HARH HARHARHARH

  12. Cockboy Says:

    HAHAHAH

    COCKBOY

  13. Michael Jordan Says:

    This is so funny
    Holy Taco needs to do more of my nuts!

    Eat
    Shit
    and
    DIE

  14. Your tiny penis talking Says:

    EAT MY SHIT... Hurry I need my shit cleaned off my ass. EAT IT... EAT IT DAMN IT!
    ..
    Oh and you all are FAGGORZ.

  15. HorseDick Says:

    you'd like that, wouldnt you? you fuckin cum bucket.

  16. Whyknot Says:

    seems like some r just pissed off 'cuz they got called out XD

  17. Nathan Explosion Says:

    RELEASE THE KITTIES!!!!

  18. YourHost Says:

    ladies and gentlemen: the internet

  19. Michael Caine Says:

    The Game

  20. Pickles the Drummer Says:

    Cinnamon Buns!

  21. My love for you is like a truck Says:

    BERZERKERRRRR!

  22. notadeadguy Says:

    this is just insulting people with facial hair. probably written by a guy who cant grow any/or a girl who got cheated on by a guy with a chin strap. good job judging people. nice article *oozing sarcasm*

  23. pink Says:

    you are crazy

  24. noahaction Says:

    the guy who just won the US Open has that patch on and under the chin. pretty sure that one's express reason is to hide chinless wonder/turkey lurkey syndrome.

  25. gobbler Says:

    LOL, doesn't the hair just make turkey lurkey syndrome worse?

  26. Anonymoose Says:

    Oh I didn't know Jayson Werth played tennis, too

  27. meatwad725 Says:

    The "youth minister goatee" look is super head on. I regularly have to remind a friend not to grow a goatee for that same reason.

    Kinda sad to see that "date-rapist" wasn't included in the goatee description

  28. Your Youth Minister Says:

    I was your Youth Minister and I have to say you had the softest asshole of all of my flock. You were also the biggest whore. Thanks for the AIDS!

  29. Cynique Says:

    You're welcome! By the way, you were the worst fuck I ever had, plus I DON'T have AIDS, so you must've gotten it from another sheep. Or your "wife."

  30. electronic cigarette Says:

    Maybe your wife got it from that sheep.

  31. Buddy Ice Says:

    "Also, I really want you to look at my mouth, so I circled it in hair." It's like a target for gay men.

    Since when do I have to log in to post comments?
    I'm really going to miss those tallminglesex.com bitches.

  32. strawberry Says:

    i always liked dick target or mouth donut.

  33. They left out the caveman look Says:

    Interesting.. I always feel slightly more gay wit- wait. No. I mean less straight. Yeah... Wait, shit.

  34. supermanlymangunowner Says:

    but you left out the mustache? douchebag.

  35. fully bearded Says:

    seriously- the best one... d-o-u-c-h-e bag.

  36. Andy Says:

    So in the end, what the hell do you do with your face? All I see is little whining comments.

  37. Gabe Says:

    Agreed. So far I see nothing is right.

  38. Holy moly Says:

    Agreed!

  39. Scott Says:

    I find it awesome that Brad Pitt is covered by 3 of these categories. But as Andy said, what DO we do with our faces? Chin whiskers perhaps? A Beavis & Butthead "beard?" I guess we're all doomed to douchebaggery.

  40. ken j Says:

    The Full Beard

    What You Think It Says About You: I'm a Merchant Mariner and I work twelve hours a day. I don't have time to shave.

    What It Really Says About You: a)I got laid a lot in high school, and I never got the shit kicked out of me. I've gotten so much poontang in my life that I'm literally TIRED of banging chicks (I'm jaded, maybe Trannies?).

    Good For: Lumberjacks, Merchant Mariners

    Sentence Heard From This Person: Fuck you office pussies, you're not men.

  41. beirdo Says:

    go shave

  42. KenJsucksAtLife Says:

    If your name is Ken J:

    What is says about you: you're a flaming faggot, go die.

  43. Eatshitanddie Says:

    What You think it says about you: I'm a merchant Mariner and I work 3 1/2 hours a day.

    What It Really Says About You: a) I never got laid in highschool and thought I was a such a badass because I told the captain of the football team to go away because I was to busy playing with squirt guns and pretending I was a real Marine.
    b) I joined the Merchant Marines because I am to much of a puss to join the real marines and my mom said I was a bad ass once after getting beaten up and I had stopped crying.

    Good For: Lumberjacks, Hipsters,fags who need to eat shit and die

    Sentence Heard From This Person: One time i actually got to fire a gun on my uncles farm when i wasn't learning how to stand on a boat properly.

  44. HellsKitchenDude Says:

    Ok... let's get this straight once and for all:

    A goatee is hair ON THE CHIN UNDER THE LIP.

    If you add a moustache, it is a VAN DYKE.

    Thank you.

  45. Sasquatch Says:

    "If you add a moustache, it is a prison pussy."

    FTFY

  46. Right2BDisgusted Says:

    There is a better term for the mustache/goatee combination that creates an unbroken circle of hair around the mouth: SEMEN GASKET.

  47. gobbler Says:

    LOL, i guess i need to shave off my "gasket"

  48. supervirge Says:

    Ya, Get the F@#K OFF of MY LAWWWN!!!!

  49. octo=8 Says:

    Give 'im the stick...DON'T GIVE 'IM THE STICK!!!!

  50. Gotta Says:

    Sweet GI Joe PSA reference dude, hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa

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