Your facial hair (or lack thereof) can say a lot about you, but sometimes there's a difference between what you think you're saying with it, and what it's actually telling people.
The Full Beard
What You Think It Says About You: I have written, or am currently writing three to four novels and or screenplays. I think deeply about things, and sometimes I'll just sit and read, because I like reading. Yeah, that's something I do. Is your unkempt hipster vagina moist yet? Plus, despite what my emo-swoop haircut may suggest, I'm comfortable with my masculinity.
What It Really Says About You: a)I never got laid in high school, and used to get the shit kicked out of me, then suddenly realized that if I grew a beard, it hid my nerdy face, b)I've gotten so much poontang in my life that I'm literally TIRED of banging chicks. Now in an effort to see how ridiculous I can make myself and still get laid, I'm growing this. or c)Don't open a package I might send to you, and stay the F off my lawn.
Good For: Lumberjacks, the Unemployed/Homeless, Pyschos, Hipsters
Sentence Heard From This Person: "You should listen to this NPR podcast I downloaded."
Who Sports It:
The Goatee
What You Think It Says About You: I'm a little bit straight-laced, and a little bit wild. I can get down to business, but I can also party hard, too. Whatever you want, I'm up for it.
What It Really Says About You: I can tell you who is going to go far in the NHL playoffs, and most likely, if I have sex with you, I'll leave my socks on. Also, I really want you to look at my mouth, so I circled it in hair.
Good For: Noah the Intern, Youth Group Ministers, Bikers
Sentence Heard From This Person: "Oh man, that shitter is going to remember me."
Who Sports It:
Mutton Chops
What You Think It Says About You: I'm some kind of artist who makes art that's creative, but also a little bit rebelious.
What It Really Says About You: Ask me about my rebelious, creative art!
Good For: Rock Stars, People with Adamantium Skeletons, Civil War Generals
Sentences Heard From This Person: "The best I can do is just express myself, and hope that it connects with someone, somewhere, and they feel what I feel. Pain."
Who Sports It:
Manicured Scruff
What You Think It Says About You: I'm a relaxed guy who definitely cares about keeping up my appearance, but I'm also relaxed...like I said before. You remember when I said I was relaxed, right? Because I did say that.
What It Really Says About You: Right now, this is the only thing I have in common with Jason Statham, but I'm working on that.
Good For: Construction Workers, Garbagemen, Homeless Guys Who Found a Razor in the Trash Yesterday
Sentences Heard From This Person: "We're sittin' there, and the client doesn't know WHAT the f*&k is going on, and all I can think about is, that new chick from accounting has some tits I'd love to smush my face in, you know what I'm saying?"
Who Sports It:
Clean Shaven
What You Think It Says About You: I care about my appearance, and I paid a lot of money for one of those five-blade razors, so I'm gonna get my money's worth.
What It Really Says About You: I am afraid to experiment with facial hair, because I have no idea what would happen. It might grow in all patchy and I'll look like the neighbor from The Burbs or something. It's better to just avoid it altogether.
Good For: Children, Women, The Terminally Ill
Sentence Heard From This Person: "I'd love to get coffee with you, I just have to finish some work. Shall we say Coffee Bean at 8:30? Tentatively?"
Who Sports It:
The Soul Patch
What You Think It Says About You: I'm hip with the youngsters of today. I understand their television programs, and their music, and their youtubes. I sent a text message yesterday, too. That's how hip I am!
What It Really Says About You: I'm playing in a 1998 high school baseball game tomorrow.
Good For: Ska Band Trombone Players, Beatknick Poets, Evil Alter-Egos
Sentence Heard From This Person: I just got a hold of this new Rob Thomas album, have you heard this guy? Great rythym."
Who Sports It:
The Chin Strap
What You Think It Says About You: I have the masculinity for a beard, but I'm also concerned about my appearance, and I take the time to make myself look good and manly. Plus, nobody else in my boy band has a beard like this.
What It Really Says About You: The name's Bag. Douche Bag.
Good For: Boy Band Members, White kids who somehow think black kids wear this facial hair, Asian Bad Guys
Sentence Heard From This Person: "You know, it's all 'bout music, you know, I'm just, you know, tryin' to feel what's inside me and express that shit, you know."
wow, you must think you're so cool, naming yourself after a dead guy and pretending like you dont care about anything by responding to a compliment to the authors with an insult that makes it seem like you're trying to seem important. real cool.
*waits for ignorant, stupid come-back from a 3-year old*
this is just insulting people with facial hair. probably written by a guy who cant grow any/or a girl who got cheated on by a guy with a chin strap. good job judging people. nice article *oozing sarcasm*
the guy who just won the US Open has that patch on and under the chin. pretty sure that one's express reason is to hide chinless wonder/turkey lurkey syndrome.
I find it awesome that Brad Pitt is covered by 3 of these categories. But as Andy said, what DO we do with our faces? Chin whiskers perhaps? A Beavis & Butthead "beard?" I guess we're all doomed to douchebaggery.
What You Think It Says About You: I'm a Merchant Mariner and I work twelve hours a day. I don't have time to shave.
What It Really Says About You: a)I got laid a lot in high school, and I never got the shit kicked out of me. I've gotten so much poontang in my life that I'm literally TIRED of banging chicks (I'm jaded, maybe Trannies?).
Good For: Lumberjacks, Merchant Mariners
Sentence Heard From This Person: Fuck you office pussies, you're not men.
What You think it says about you: I'm a merchant Mariner and I work 3 1/2 hours a day.
What It Really Says About You: a) I never got laid in highschool and thought I was a such a badass because I told the captain of the football team to go away because I was to busy playing with squirt guns and pretending I was a real Marine.
b) I joined the Merchant Marines because I am to much of a puss to join the real marines and my mom said I was a bad ass once after getting beaten up and I had stopped crying.
Good For: Lumberjacks, Hipsters,fags who need to eat shit and die
Sentence Heard From This Person: One time i actually got to fire a gun on my uncles farm when i wasn't learning how to stand on a boat properly.
(175 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
June 22nd, 2009 at 12:14 pm
this is so funny
Holy Taco needs to do more of this stuff!
August 23rd, 2009 at 02:26 am
quiet cuntnugget
August 24th, 2009 at 06:49 pm
wow, you must think you're so cool, naming yourself after a dead guy and pretending like you dont care about anything by responding to a compliment to the authors with an insult that makes it seem like you're trying to seem important. real cool.
*waits for ignorant, stupid come-back from a 3-year old*
August 24th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
I bet he does.
August 25th, 2009 at 06:43 am
Realism, you are a real cock boy
September 3rd, 2009 at 05:45 pm
i like cheeze
September 8th, 2009 at 11:56 am
OMG ME TOO
September 8th, 2009 at 03:33 pm
I'm actually fucking a cheesseeeeeee....
September 11th, 2009 at 02:03 pm
P - you suck at life, you should probably kill yourself soon.
September 17th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
MORE LIKE CHUNSTRAP AMIRITE?
September 19th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
HARH HARHARHARH
September 25th, 2009 at 12:53 am
HAHAHAH
COCKBOY
October 6th, 2009 at 02:43 am
This is so funny
Holy Taco needs to do more of my nuts!
Eat
Shit
and
DIE
October 28th, 2009 at 03:50 pm
EAT MY SHIT... Hurry I need my shit cleaned off my ass. EAT IT... EAT IT DAMN IT!
..
Oh and you all are FAGGORZ.
November 24th, 2009 at 11:12 am
you'd like that, wouldnt you? you fuckin cum bucket.
December 26th, 2009 at 01:59 pm
seems like some r just pissed off 'cuz they got called out XD
January 6th, 2010 at 09:25 pm
RELEASE THE KITTIES!!!!
January 15th, 2010 at 06:49 am
ladies and gentlemen: the internet
January 16th, 2010 at 12:17 am
The Game
January 17th, 2010 at 01:18 pm
Cinnamon Buns!
January 21st, 2010 at 10:28 pm
BERZERKERRRRR!
January 30th, 2010 at 03:09 pm
this is just insulting people with facial hair. probably written by a guy who cant grow any/or a girl who got cheated on by a guy with a chin strap. good job judging people. nice article *oozing sarcasm*
February 3rd, 2010 at 05:23 am
you are crazy
June 22nd, 2009 at 12:31 pm
the guy who just won the US Open has that patch on and under the chin. pretty sure that one's express reason is to hide chinless wonder/turkey lurkey syndrome.
December 16th, 2009 at 02:04 pm
LOL, doesn't the hair just make turkey lurkey syndrome worse?
January 29th, 2010 at 05:14 pm
Oh I didn't know Jayson Werth played tennis, too
June 22nd, 2009 at 02:46 pm
The "youth minister goatee" look is super head on. I regularly have to remind a friend not to grow a goatee for that same reason.
Kinda sad to see that "date-rapist" wasn't included in the goatee description
October 6th, 2009 at 11:47 am
I was your Youth Minister and I have to say you had the softest asshole of all of my flock. You were also the biggest whore. Thanks for the AIDS!
October 20th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
You're welcome! By the way, you were the worst fuck I ever had, plus I DON'T have AIDS, so you must've gotten it from another sheep. Or your "wife."
January 31st, 2010 at 10:45 am
Maybe your wife got it from that sheep.
June 22nd, 2009 at 03:11 pm
"Also, I really want you to look at my mouth, so I circled it in hair." It's like a target for gay men.
Since when do I have to log in to post comments?
I'm really going to miss those tallminglesex.com bitches.
September 2nd, 2009 at 08:52 pm
i always liked dick target or mouth donut.
November 11th, 2009 at 04:49 pm
Interesting.. I always feel slightly more gay wit- wait. No. I mean less straight. Yeah... Wait, shit.
June 22nd, 2009 at 03:26 pm
but you left out the mustache? douchebag.
July 22nd, 2009 at 01:53 pm
seriously- the best one... d-o-u-c-h-e bag.
June 22nd, 2009 at 03:58 pm
So in the end, what the hell do you do with your face? All I see is little whining comments.
January 12th, 2010 at 01:15 pm
Agreed. So far I see nothing is right.
January 31st, 2010 at 02:38 am
Agreed!
June 22nd, 2009 at 05:27 pm
I find it awesome that Brad Pitt is covered by 3 of these categories. But as Andy said, what DO we do with our faces? Chin whiskers perhaps? A Beavis & Butthead "beard?" I guess we're all doomed to douchebaggery.
June 22nd, 2009 at 06:00 pm
The Full Beard
What You Think It Says About You: I'm a Merchant Mariner and I work twelve hours a day. I don't have time to shave.
What It Really Says About You: a)I got laid a lot in high school, and I never got the shit kicked out of me. I've gotten so much poontang in my life that I'm literally TIRED of banging chicks (I'm jaded, maybe Trannies?).
Good For: Lumberjacks, Merchant Mariners
Sentence Heard From This Person: Fuck you office pussies, you're not men.
June 23rd, 2009 at 01:54 pm
go shave
September 11th, 2009 at 02:06 pm
If your name is Ken J:
What is says about you: you're a flaming faggot, go die.
October 15th, 2009 at 09:23 pm
What You think it says about you: I'm a merchant Mariner and I work 3 1/2 hours a day.
What It Really Says About You: a) I never got laid in highschool and thought I was a such a badass because I told the captain of the football team to go away because I was to busy playing with squirt guns and pretending I was a real Marine.
b) I joined the Merchant Marines because I am to much of a puss to join the real marines and my mom said I was a bad ass once after getting beaten up and I had stopped crying.
Good For: Lumberjacks, Hipsters,fags who need to eat shit and die
Sentence Heard From This Person: One time i actually got to fire a gun on my uncles farm when i wasn't learning how to stand on a boat properly.
June 22nd, 2009 at 06:31 pm
Ok... let's get this straight once and for all:
A goatee is hair ON THE CHIN UNDER THE LIP.
If you add a moustache, it is a VAN DYKE.
Thank you.
June 23rd, 2009 at 04:40 pm
"If you add a moustache, it is a prison pussy."
FTFY
November 12th, 2009 at 10:41 am
There is a better term for the mustache/goatee combination that creates an unbroken circle of hair around the mouth: SEMEN GASKET.
December 16th, 2009 at 02:11 pm
LOL, i guess i need to shave off my "gasket"
June 23rd, 2009 at 01:47 am
Ya, Get the F@#K OFF of MY LAWWWN!!!!
October 14th, 2009 at 02:50 pm
Give 'im the stick...DON'T GIVE 'IM THE STICK!!!!
October 15th, 2009 at 07:39 am
Sweet GI Joe PSA reference dude, hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa
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