Your facial hair (or lack thereof) can say a lot about you, but sometimes there’s a difference between what you think you’re saying with it, and what it’s actually telling people.
The Full Beard
What You Think It Says About You: I have written, or am currently writing three to four novels and or screenplays. I think deeply about things, and sometimes I’ll just sit and read, because I like reading. Yeah, that’s something I do. Is your unkempt hipster vagina moist yet? Plus, despite what my emo-swoop haircut may suggest, I’m comfortable with my masculinity.
What It Really Says About You: a)I never got laid in high school, and used to get the shit kicked out of me, then suddenly realized that if I grew a beard, it hid my nerdy face, b)I’ve gotten so much poontang in my life that I’m literally TIRED of banging chicks. Now in an effort to see how ridiculous I can make myself and still get laid, I’m growing this. or c)Don’t open a package I might send to you, and stay the F off my lawn.
Good For: Lumberjacks, the Unemployed/Homeless, Pyschos, Hipsters
Sentence Heard From This Person: "You should listen to this NPR podcast I downloaded."
Who Sports It:
What You Think It Says About You: I’m a little bit straight-laced, and a little bit wild. I can get down to business, but I can also party hard, too. Whatever you want, I’m up for it.
What It Really Says About You: I can tell you who is going to go far in the NHL playoffs, and most likely, if I have sex with you, I’ll leave my socks on. Also, I really want you to look at my mouth, so I circled it in hair.
Good For: Noah the Intern, Youth Group Ministers, Bikers
Sentence Heard From This Person: "Oh man, that shitter is going to remember me."
What You Think It Says About You: I’m some kind of artist who makes art that’s creative, but also a little bit rebelious.
What It Really Says About You: Ask me about my rebelious, creative art!
Good For: Rock Stars, People with Adamantium Skeletons, Civil War Generals
Sentences Heard From This Person: "The best I can do is just express myself, and hope that it connects with someone, somewhere, and they feel what I feel. Pain."
What You Think It Says About You: I’m a relaxed guy who definitely cares about keeping up my appearance, but I’m also relaxed…like I said before. You remember when I said I was relaxed, right? Because I did say that.
What It Really Says About You: Right now, this is the only thing I have in common with Jason Statham, but I’m working on that.
Good For: Construction Workers, Garbagemen, Homeless Guys Who Found a Razor in the Trash Yesterday
Sentences Heard From This Person: "We’re sittin’ there, and the client doesn’t know WHAT the f*&k is going on, and all I can think about is, that new chick from accounting has some tits I’d love to smush my face in, you know what I’m saying?"
What You Think It Says About You: I care about my appearance, and I paid a lot of money for one of those five-blade razors, so I’m gonna get my money’s worth.
What It Really Says About You: I am afraid to experiment with facial hair, because I have no idea what would happen. It might grow in all patchy and I’ll look like the neighbor from The Burbs or something. It’s better to just avoid it altogether.
Good For: Children, Women, The Terminally Ill
Sentence Heard From This Person: "I’d love to get coffee with you, I just have to finish some work. Shall we say Coffee Bean at 8:30? Tentatively?"
The Soul Patch
What You Think It Says About You: I’m hip with the youngsters of today. I understand their television programs, and their music, and their youtubes. I sent a text message yesterday, too. That’s how hip I am!
What It Really Says About You: I’m playing in a 1998 high school baseball game tomorrow.
Good For: Ska Band Trombone Players, Beatknick Poets, Evil Alter-Egos
Sentence Heard From This Person: I just got a hold of this new Rob Thomas album, have you heard this guy? Great rythym."
The Chin Strap
What You Think It Says About You: I have the masculinity for a beard, but I’m also concerned about my appearance, and I take the time to make myself look good and manly. Plus, nobody else in my boy band has a beard like this.
What It Really Says About You: The name’s Bag. Douche Bag.
Good For: Boy Band Members, White kids who somehow think black kids wear this facial hair, Asian Bad Guys
Sentence Heard From This Person: "You know, it’s all ’bout music, you know, I’m just, you know, tryin’ to feel what’s inside me and express that shit, you know."