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What Your Facial Hair Really Says About You

Your facial hair (or lack thereof) can say a lot about you, but sometimes there’s a difference between what you think you’re saying with it, and what it’s actually telling people. 
 
The Full Beard
 
 
What You Think It Says About You:  I have written, or am currently writing three to four novels and or screenplays.  I think deeply about things, and sometimes I’ll just sit and read, because I like reading.  Yeah, that’s something I do.  Is your unkempt hipster vagina moist yet?  Plus, despite what my emo-swoop haircut may suggest, I’m comfortable with my masculinity.
 
What It Really Says About You:  a)I never got laid in high school, and used to get the shit kicked out of me, then suddenly realized that if I grew a beard, it hid my nerdy face, b)I’ve gotten so much poontang in my life that I’m literally TIRED of banging chicks.  Now in an effort to see how ridiculous I can make myself and still get laid, I’m growing this. or c)Don’t open a package I might send to you, and stay the F off my lawn.
 
Good For:  Lumberjacks, the Unemployed/Homeless, Pyschos, Hipsters
 
Sentence Heard From This Person: "You should listen to this NPR podcast I downloaded."
 
Who Sports It:
 
 
 
The Goatee
 
 
What You Think It Says About You:  I’m a little bit straight-laced, and a little bit wild. I can get down to business, but I can also party hard, too.  Whatever you want, I’m up for it.
 
What It Really Says About You:  I can tell you who is going to go far in the NHL playoffs, and most likely, if I have sex with you, I’ll leave my socks on.  Also, I really want you to look at my mouth, so I circled it in hair.
 
Good For: Noah the Intern, Youth Group Ministers, Bikers
 
Sentence Heard From This Person: "Oh man, that shitter is going to remember me."
 
Who Sports It:
 
 
 

 
Mutton Chops
 
 
What You Think It Says About You:  I’m some kind of artist who makes art that’s creative, but also a little bit rebelious.
 
What It Really Says About You:  Ask me about my rebelious, creative art!
 
Good For:  Rock Stars, People with Adamantium Skeletons, Civil War Generals
 
Sentences Heard From This Person: "The best I can do is just express myself, and hope that it connects with someone, somewhere, and they feel what I feel.  Pain."
 
Who Sports It:
 
 
 
 
Manicured Scruff
 
 
What You Think It Says About You:  I’m a relaxed guy who definitely cares about keeping up my appearance, but I’m also relaxed…like I said before.  You remember when I said I was relaxed, right? Because I did say that.
 
What It Really Says About You:  Right now, this is the only thing I have in common with Jason Statham, but I’m working on that.
 
Good For:  Construction Workers, Garbagemen, Homeless Guys Who Found a Razor in the Trash Yesterday
 
Sentences Heard From This Person: "We’re sittin’ there, and the client doesn’t know WHAT the f*&k is going on, and all I can think about is, that new chick from accounting has some tits I’d love to smush my face in, you know what I’m saying?"
 
Who Sports It:
 
 
 
 
Clean Shaven
 
 
What You Think It Says About You:  I care about my appearance, and I paid a lot of money for one of those five-blade razors, so I’m gonna get my money’s worth. 
 
What It Really Says About You:  I am afraid to experiment with facial hair, because I have no idea what would happen.  It might grow in all patchy and I’ll look like the neighbor from The Burbs or something.  It’s better to just avoid it altogether.
 
Good For: Children, Women, The Terminally Ill
 
Sentence Heard From This Person: "I’d love to get coffee with you, I just have to finish some work.  Shall we say Coffee Bean at 8:30?  Tentatively?"
 
Who Sports It:
 
 
 
 
The Soul Patch
 

 
What You Think It Says About You:  I’m hip with the youngsters of today. I understand their television programs, and their music, and their youtubes.  I sent a text message yesterday, too.  That’s how hip I am!
 
What It Really Says About You:  I’m playing in a 1998 high school baseball game tomorrow.
 
Good For:  Ska Band Trombone Players, Beatknick Poets, Evil Alter-Egos
 
Sentence Heard From This Person: I just got a hold of this new Rob Thomas album, have you heard this guy?  Great rythym."
 
Who Sports It:
 
 
 
 
The Chin Strap
 
 
What You Think It Says About You:  I have the masculinity for a beard, but I’m also concerned about my appearance, and I take the time to make myself look good and manly.  Plus, nobody else in my boy band has a beard like this.
 
What It Really Says About You:  The name’s Bag. Douche Bag.
 
Good For: Boy Band Members, White kids who somehow think black kids wear this facial hair, Asian Bad Guys
 
Sentence Heard From This Person: "You know, it’s all ’bout music, you know, I’m just, you know, tryin’ to feel what’s inside me and express that shit, you know."
 
Who Sports It:
 
 
 

263 Responses to "What Your Facial Hair Really Says About You"

  1. beardy says:

    dumb

  2. Drain0 says:

    Missed out:

    The Chin tache and many more… look it up eh Malki?

    Desmond Morris (the anthropologist) says that people who have facial hair AND shave are sexual deviants.

    Guilty as charged…

  3. blackbear says:

    that is not a goatee it’s a chin circle a goatee has no stash van-dyke has the stash unconnected.

    yes, I’m a gay fellow. so what?

  4. seriously? says:

    ok, so to summarize, you think all guys, no matter how they handle their inevitable facial hair, are ugly douchebags. great point, lame attempt to be funny.

  5. simply the dude says:

    Oh man this is priceless I love it. I go between goatee full beard and sometimes clean shaven, and I gotta say I sometimes feel like a douche bag in all three of them, and I’ve got friends with chops and a patch, and they fit those stereotypes perfectly.

    And for all the dudes getting defensive, especially the guy who just sounded like he wanted someone to piss on his face, grow the fuck up.

    Its fucking facial hair.

  6. Dr. Goilfrendz says:

    Yuk people take things much too seriously. Look what youre reading…look….look…look right below it…see the greased up ass? Yeah. I see it. Anyway guy who will never read these comments because half the time they make him cry you forgot the mexi-stash, the halfassed, dirty lookin patchy mufuh. The mexistash can be found at clubs across the midwest, mostly on guys in their late twenties grinding on middleschool girls who developed early.

  7. Bethany says:

    I think that all of them except the beard, will “fly” with the ladies. I think that this page was written by a man with Indian decent who is just jealous that he has no hair anywhere.

  8. Andrew says:

    What about the zappa stache? (large soul patch + moustache that is not quite a handle bar stache) That’s what I’m currently sportin’

    Can you continue this series and include it?

  9. asd says:

    I dont get it nothing not one style wins. Everything you do according to this makes you a jackass or look really stupid. Even if you dont grow anything at all you still lose. WTF who wrote this shit. By far the worst thing i have ever read.

  10. Bob Faggot says:

    You suck at lists.

    Eat shit and die.

    Fag.

  11. mikeysweet says:

    What about just a mustache? You guys missed the original stylized facial hair

    What You Think It Says About You: I’m mature and not gay like those guys that have goatees. They are so gay!

    What It Really Says About You: I’m gay.

    Good For: 70′s porn stars, um.. gays

    Sentences Heard From This Person: I hate it when my milk covers my mustache.

  12. stoney Mcgee says:

    It’s called a flavor saver not a soul patch douche…who can only grow white trash patchy facial pubes.

  13. Ravikant says:

    Unfunny, stupid. Seems like written by a teenager.

  14. Mr. Reason says:

    that’s how real life is. DEAL WITH IT.

  15. blegh says:

    is it common for no one to take credit for writing these lists?

  16. Alisha says:

    this guy is right u cant win with “mr reason” who is apparently unreasonable about facial hair or the lack therof. you should get someone to write this who at least has an idea of what looks good if you wanted someone to just dis everybody why didnt you get rosanne barr????

  17. tibs says:

    Who ever wrote this can’t grow facial hair. This applies to even the clean shaven comments. If you can’t grow facial hair you can’t be clean shaven. Also, if you have to shave, you know that buying a 5blade razor sucks but is necessary.

    So clearly you can’t grow any facial hair and are:
    a) a guy wearing an obscure T-shirt that only he thinks is funny and who never gets laid.
    b) a guy wearing an obscure T-shirt that only he thinks is funny and who never gets laid.
    c) a guy wearing an obscure T-shirt that only he thinks is funny and who never gets laid.

    p.s. What about the mustache?

  18. weston says:

    i only read the “guilty as charged” part and instantly n
    knew u wer a homosexual

  19. mika says:

    Damn, they left out the molest-ache.. how could they??

  20. Some Guy says:

    The person that doesn’t like to read will never see your comment and therefor you will never be answered.

  21. Goatee and Beard...? says:

    What about the goatee where the rest of the beard has grown out for a few days… that’s a look…

  22. ChadRiden says:

    Let’s all agree to stop calling it the “soul patch” (those who sport this are clearly soul-less) and call it what it really is: The Inverted Hitler.

  23. vt_redneck says:

    THis article pretty much is just pissing on men. Your Damed if you do and Damed if you don’t. I have a beard to determine who my real friends are. And I still get laid plenty. THey piss on having a beard and piss on not having a beard. They are weak girly men. All you city folk have forgot what a real man looks like. You all want to feminize the males of our society. Goes along with all of that sexual choice out there.

    Example: Clean Shaven: good for: Children, Women, The Terminally Ill

    this articel just pisses on men. point blank.

  24. sunnycyclist says:

    Does anyone know who is in the first bearded photo? He looks familiar, but I can’t think of what I’ve seen him in.

  25. Tibor says:

    wouldn’t the inverted hitler be a mustache with a left and right but no middle?


    Television Spy

  26. apes says:

    The Full Beard guy is my husband. Literally! That is his photo. He hates reading and he DOES want you to stay off his lawn.

  27. rumgudgeon says:

    Couldn’t agree more. It’s the pussyfication of the American male. http://www.savethemales.ca

  28. beirdo says:

    y do u let him borrow ur nose ring?

  29. beirdo says:

    cry me a river

  30. TheJenniferLEigh says:

    What about the comeback of the creepy Burt Selleck porn stache I have been seeing on “hipsters” everywhere?

  31. beirdo says:

    cry me a bigger river

  32. beirdo says:

    what you described would be the “Hitler complement”

  33. Sasquatch says:

    What kind of a blockhead hates to read?

  34. shoebappa says:

    @HellsKitchenDude

    I found your comment interesting, and although it sounds like you are right that a Goatee is simply hair under the chin, a Van Dyke has a mustache with upturned ends.

    I think what we commonly think of as a Goatee pictured, is actually called a Circle Beard or Moutee…

  35. moustache man says:

    haha you probably have one of those things on your face and you’re feeling a little insulted right now.

  36. supervirge says:

    Ya, Get the F@#K OFF of MY LAWWWN!!!!

  37. Dee Snuts says:

    The Soul Patch is actually a tool most commonly used by homos to tickle the asshole while they give hummers. These people also tend to wear socks with their sandals.

  38. Mojorolla says:

    They missed one…The Gooch. AKA the Hitker moustache. Did one little man ruin an entire class of moustache forever? Shame. Damn dirty shame.

  39. bastardfins says:

    you sound like a woman

    shut up

  40. fu manchu says:

    Wtf? The Girls piss on your beard.

    Good show, old chap!

  41. octo=8 says:

    Give ‘im the stick…DON’T GIVE ‘IM THE STICK!!!!

  42. Gotta says:

    Sweet GI Joe PSA reference dude, hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa

  43. GIJoe says:

    Last one theres a penis pump!

  44. the real weston says:

    HAHAHAH disregard that, i suck cocks

  45. - says:

    soul patches are also known as Clitoris Ticklers

  46. Not Dead Yet says:

    Haha @ asd, looking for facial hair fashion tips on Holy Taco. What a loser.

  47. Darryn says:

    The dumbest thing I’ve ever read. Too much opinion being used.

  48. Fuck Shit Balls to you unkind sir! says:

    The Mutton chops actually didn’t have anything bad
    said about them…

  49. Fish nutsack says:

    Ill put my 3in dick in your but and start peeing! Ya anal rape and an R kelly penis

  50. Wizard's Chest says:

    Moral of the story: No matter who you are/ what facial hair you have, you are a doucher.

  51. Zack Mebohls says:

    you read this, you suck my balls.

  52. rexusdiablos says:

    Not a great list. How can you not include the mustache in a facial hair list? What about the goatee less the mustache? Epic fail imo. Not funny and not particularly clever.

  53. Kristian aggergaard says:

    I LOVE MEN WITH A HUG BEARD OF HAIR hanging around his balls

  54. person says:

    ignoring a lot of wrongness from the srticle and comments, whenever I see someone with a chin strap I cant help but think douchebag, they probably arent but I automatically think it

  55. Cum nuggets says:

    Seriously.
    FUCK chin strap beards.

    That shit’s retarded.

  56. Anonymau5 says:

    So much fail trolling.

  57. Kebert Xela says:

    best forum posts ever!

  58. ZOMG says:

    “Is your unkempt hipster vagina moist yet?”

    Are you kidding? Those are fashion girls, not hippies. Hipster vagina is often pristinely manicured.

  59. Nice says:

    Haaaaaaaaah I want you to look at my mouth so much that I circled it in hair.

  60. Stachemaster says:

    You forgot staches… On behalf of the entire moustache community I shame you

  61. MildlyAmused says:

    hahaha, cunt nugget.

  62. sasafdasdfa says:

    your forgot the moustache you tossers

  63. i shaved mine after seein the penguin says:

    lmfao the penguin!

  64. Your Brain says:

    STFU, be a man and do ur own thing…PUSSY

  65. Anonymous1 says:

    fuck u faggot

  66. baby jesus says:

    thou shalt not get a goatee/chin strap or Soul-patch… everything else is ok. I have spoken!

  67. Doc Cock says:

    Your sister has sideburns

  68. :3 Sara says:

    i like how the penguin has a chin strap x)

  69. god the one and only says:

    You all need soap.

  70. ChinStrap says:

    fuck the XX chromosome sheman that made this…..sorry you cant grow facial hair “dude”

  71. Burzum says:

    I have a “manicured scruff” + a goatee, what does that make me?

  72. ELVIS says:

    your mamas taught me the phrase “thank you very much”

  73. Damned if ya do! says:

    So pretty much ANY facial hair has bad connotations . . . but cleanshaven is also bad . . . oh apparently the only ones left are the Abe Lincoln (beard, no mo) or the Fullmo, no beard? I experiment with all these styles and more, including the twin horns- two lines just to the sides of the chin. Yeah. And I just don’t give a fuck what ya think of me!
    Great article.

  74. Damned if ya do! says:

    A male? I guess . . . I was going to be like all the other Trolls and say “IT MEANZ YOU IS A FAGGATT!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!” But then I remembered that I’m not 14 years old and a repressed virgin homosexual. Not that there’s anything wrong with homosexuals.

  75. pip santos says:

    I’m one of those trombone players from a ska band…and I normally got a goatee.

  76. A Punk In Drublic says:

    They credit Holy Taco for the article.

  77. Julie is a Lesbian for Gay Men says:

    Do me a solid and sport a braided mustache.

  78. ddeededrdgyhdsprnyrnh says:

    continue ?

  79. P says:

    Realism, you are a real cock boy

  80. Miguel Jackson says:

    I bet he does.

  81. Realism. says:

    wow, you must think you’re so cool, naming yourself after a dead guy and pretending like you dont care about anything by responding to a compliment to the authors with an insult that makes it seem like you’re trying to seem important. real cool.
    *waits for ignorant, stupid come-back from a 3-year old*

  82. Michael Jackson says:

    quiet cuntnugget

  83. philosopher says:

    this is so funny
    Holy Taco needs to do more of this stuff!

  84. ZZzz says:

    i like cheeze

  85. CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE says:

    OMG ME TOO

  86. CHEESSSEEEGIRL says:

    I’m actually fucking a cheesseeeeeee….

  87. YourMom says:

    P – you suck at life, you should probably kill yourself soon.

  88. Steve Irwin says:

    MORE LIKE CHUNSTRAP AMIRITE?

  89. PATRICK SWAYZE says:

    HARH HARHARHARH

  90. Pickles the Drummer says:

    Cinnamon Buns!

  91. Cockboy says:

    HAHAHAH

    COCKBOY

  92. Michael Caine says:

    The Game

  93. Michael Jordan says:

    This is so funny
    Holy Taco needs to do more of my nuts!

    Eat
    Shit
    and
    DIE

  94. Your tiny penis talking says:

    EAT MY SHIT… Hurry I need my shit cleaned off my ass. EAT IT… EAT IT DAMN IT!
    ..
    Oh and you all are FAGGORZ.

  95. YourHost says:

    ladies and gentlemen: the internet

  96. HorseDick says:

    you’d like that, wouldnt you? you fuckin cum bucket.

  97. Whyknot says:

    seems like some r just pissed off ‘cuz they got called out XD

  98. Nathan Explosion says:

    RELEASE THE KITTIES!!!!

  99. My love for you is like a truck says:

    BERZERKERRRRR!

  100. notadeadguy says:

    this is just insulting people with facial hair. probably written by a guy who cant grow any/or a girl who got cheated on by a guy with a chin strap. good job judging people. nice article *oozing sarcasm*

  101. dat dude says:

    when does a pedophile becomes proven???? what a dick

  102. ToyMachine says:

    I like turtles!

  103. P Loves Chinstrap Blow Jobs says:

    Enough said…

  104. @ ToyMachine says:

    Turtles are awesome.

  105. pink says:

    you are crazy

  106. Id Hit It says:

    Fuck you. that is the gayest shit i have ever heard. if you ever think of talkin or postin on this site or any other sitee in your sorry ass life. just don’t. You know why? Because you are a piece of shit and don;t deserve to lick the dirt off my feet you bastard . go suck a fuckin dick you fag

  107. Id Hit It is a Cock Boy says:

    Id Hit It has a chinstrap.

  108. Mr. Wood Blogging says:

    There is more wood in my pants than in the RAIN-FOREST! Oh, GOD, here come the lumber-jacks! No, SHIT NO, OH GOD, AEHHAEHHHEAAH!!!

    Hey, That BASTARD gave me a razor cut. Use a FUCKING Gillette FUSION!

  109. Your mom's merkin says:

    Soul patches are for straight guys who wish they were fags. End of fucking story.

  110. Farah Fawcett says:

    Micheal Caine is dead??? When??? Whew! You scared me.

  111. Wanton says:

    This is an orgy of retarded…

  112. I'm all lonely. says:

    I just wanted to join in with this. (:

  113. Noodlz says:

    best comment post ever…=)

  114. Mr. Nice Guy from Bored says:

    Suck my dick cheese you drating pussies, is that all y’all got? I’ll rape ‘Your mom’ so bad she’ll have a permanent goatse ya’her?
    HOLY SHIT MY CAPTCHA SAYS “BONNE meh” I NEED A INTERNET DICK RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

  115. An0nemouse! says:

    Is it caturday nao?

    also i approve of this faggotry!

    but i do know 3 people IRL called micheal jackson ¬_¬ but get abused cause their parents named them after an unproven pheadophile!

  116. mr.mehoff says:

    I DONT WANT GIRLS TO THINK I SUCK DICK AT FUCKIN PUSSY

  117. Ey Nonny Mouse says:

    fucking hell, this is worse than the comments on cracked.com
    and that’s saying something
    die in a fire you terrible examples of human sludge

  118. asshat says:

    fucking hell! your mom has got some jiggley ass titties my friend

  119. Nate says:

    …so you’re saying that if you grow a beard you’re a pretentious douche bag, and if you don’t grow one you’re a wuss?
    Why are there so many of these kinds of lists circulating on the internet these days? It’s like all the failure of VH1 is spilling out into the rest of the world.

  120. fully bearded says:

    seriously- the best one… d-o-u-c-h-e bag.

  121. supermanlymangunowner says:

    but you left out the mustache? douchebag.

  122. beirdo says:

    go shave

  123. ken j says:

    The Full Beard

    What You Think It Says About You: I’m a Merchant Mariner and I work twelve hours a day. I don’t have time to shave.

    What It Really Says About You: a)I got laid a lot in high school, and I never got the shit kicked out of me. I’ve gotten so much poontang in my life that I’m literally TIRED of banging chicks (I’m jaded, maybe Trannies?).

    Good For: Lumberjacks, Merchant Mariners

    Sentence Heard From This Person: Fuck you office pussies, you’re not men.

  124. KenJsucksAtLife says:

    If your name is Ken J:

    What is says about you: you’re a flaming faggot, go die.

  125. Eatshitanddie says:

    What You think it says about you: I’m a merchant Mariner and I work 3 1/2 hours a day.

    What It Really Says About You: a) I never got laid in highschool and thought I was a such a badass because I told the captain of the football team to go away because I was to busy playing with squirt guns and pretending I was a real Marine.
    b) I joined the Merchant Marines because I am to much of a puss to join the real marines and my mom said I was a bad ass once after getting beaten up and I had stopped crying.

    Good For: Lumberjacks, Hipsters,fags who need to eat shit and die

    Sentence Heard From This Person: One time i actually got to fire a gun on my uncles farm when i wasn’t learning how to stand on a boat properly.

  126. Rick says:

    Most people with hairy faces just dont have the time to shave

  127. Sasquatch says:

    “If you add a moustache, it is a prison pussy.”

    FTFY

  128. HellsKitchenDude says:

    Ok… let’s get this straight once and for all:

    A goatee is hair ON THE CHIN UNDER THE LIP.

    If you add a moustache, it is a VAN DYKE.

    Thank you.

  129. Right2BDisgusted says:

    There is a better term for the mustache/goatee combination that creates an unbroken circle of hair around the mouth: SEMEN GASKET.

  130. gobbler says:

    LOL, i guess i need to shave off my “gasket”

  131. Lee says:

    What the full beard really says about you:
    “Yeah, I don’t trim my pubes either, now suck it bitch.”

  132. Bthewee1 says:

    I feel a primal need to respond.
    However, my responding proves the pointlessness
    and un-fulfillment in the response itself, yet
    To not respond,
    .is a non-response, countermanding my primal need.
    I feel the need to respond, I must respond

    Please help,

    I respond, therefore, proving the pointlessness, and un-satiated fulfillment of the response.

    I’m trapped in my own response back-loop!!
    I respond, therefore, I am not.

    Just think whatever,
    Hair 2009

  133. FuManChu says:

    The chin strap (AKA fag beard) was dead on.

  134. supermanlymangunowner says:

    that manicured scruff blurb pissed me off. first you say construction workers and garbage men rock it , than your quote is obviously from some office douche talkin about the chick from accounting.
    im gonna grow out my facial just so i cud munch on yer ex girlfriends fish taco until her juice permanately stains it to the point where when we finally meet in person youre gonna recognize exactly what tuna scent is on my upper lip.

  135. devexdp says:

    wow…..dude after the fish taco….well first NO…..no Fish taco, taco fine….no fish, and second if u had that fish taco your sick A. and not taking a shower or a quick wash to the face….wow, thats bad kid.

  136. GRETA MONROE says:

    MY HUSBAND TIM HAS A GOATEE AND MUSTACHE AND IS HOT AS HELL!!! HE HAS NOTHING TO PROVE TO ANYONE EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT HE LIKES TO LOOK GOOD & HAS WONDERFUL HYGIENE! HOW MANY WOMEN CAN SAY THAT ABOUT THEIR MEN! P.S…YES…HE IS HYGIENIC FROM HEAD TO TOE IF YOU GET MY DRIFT,NOT LIKE SOME HAIRY BEASTS WITH HAIR FLOWING OUT OF THEIR EARS & NOSTRILS,LET ALONE THEIR PRIVATE AREAS!!!!! I LOVE YOU TIM!!!!!!!

  137. anna says:

    you must really love your husband,wish mine was like that,can barely get him to bathe

  138. Mr. Van Dyke says:

    You left out the Van Dyke. Thats like the goatee, except that the mustache and chinbeard dont connect. You could point out something about not being able to grow an actual goatee. :D

  139. Mr. Van Dyke says:

    you forgot the van dyke. its like a goatee but the moustache and chinbeard dont connect. you could say something about how they cant grow an actual goatee.

  140. noahaction says:

    the guy who just won the US Open has that patch on and under the chin. pretty sure that one’s express reason is to hide chinless wonder/turkey lurkey syndrome.

  141. gobbler says:

    LOL, doesn’t the hair just make turkey lurkey syndrome worse?

  142. Anonymoose says:

    Oh I didn’t know Jayson Werth played tennis, too

  143. Justinfh says:

    Facial hair on guys have been accept for decades and now of the sudden it isn’t? You know, you seem like the type of person who gets uptight and has nothing but contempt for every guy with facial hair. Do you go to every guy with facial hair and scream “get a shave you dirtbag”?

  144. Gracchus says:

    Goatees are just this decade’s mullets.

  145. meatwad725 says:

    The “youth minister goatee” look is super head on. I regularly have to remind a friend not to grow a goatee for that same reason.

    Kinda sad to see that “date-rapist” wasn’t included in the goatee description

  146. Your Youth Minister says:

    I was your Youth Minister and I have to say you had the softest asshole of all of my flock. You were also the biggest whore. Thanks for the AIDS!

  147. Cynique says:

    You’re welcome! By the way, you were the worst fuck I ever had, plus I DON’T have AIDS, so you must’ve gotten it from another sheep. Or your “wife.”

  148. Maybe your wife got it from that sheep.

  149. Huge Black Cock says:

    I gave all your people AIDS because I had sex with a monkey.

  150. Hemorrhoid Treatment says:

    Maybe the sheep….

  151. Buddy Ice says:

    “Also, I really want you to look at my mouth, so I circled it in hair.” It’s like a target for gay men.

    Since when do I have to log in to post comments?
    I’m really going to miss those tallminglesex.com bitches.

  152. strawberry says:

    i always liked dick target or mouth donut.

  153. They left out the caveman look says:

    Interesting.. I always feel slightly more gay wit- wait. No. I mean less straight. Yeah… Wait, shit.

  154. Gracchus says:

    Is that why they call it a “face pussy”?

  155. Andy says:

    So in the end, what the hell do you do with your face? All I see is little whining comments.

  156. Gabe says:

    Agreed. So far I see nothing is right.

  157. Holy moly says:

    Agreed!

  158. Phishphinger says:

    And of course lashings of adolescent homosexual panic!

  159. Scott says:

    I find it awesome that Brad Pitt is covered by 3 of these categories. But as Andy said, what DO we do with our faces? Chin whiskers perhaps? A Beavis & Butthead “beard?” I guess we’re all doomed to douchebaggery.

  160. what to do? says:

    OK, so in order to be “cool” to the good folks at holytaco, what ARE you allowed to do with your facial hair? Since shaving clean, beards and absolutely NO type of maintenance is allowed without you being a “douchebag”? Just sayin.

  161. Camel Tao says:

    It’s a joke, you moron. If you’re living your life, and deciding what to do with your facial hair based on what the “good folks at holytaco” say, then you’ve got far deeper problems than facial hair fashion. Here’s how you should do: whatever doesn’t irritate your boyfriends’ inner-thighs.

  162. Old Guy says:

    I saw a guy yesterday day with Amish chin whiskers down to his chest and an Irish brogue. I Can’t even begin to find a category for that!

  163. Cleatus says:

    “Also, I really want you to look at my mouth, so I circled it in hair.”

    Haha, that’s the funniest thing I’ve read all day

  164. anony mous says:

    test..

  165. anonemous says:

    Great!

    Say, why don’t you fags just keep writing the same cynical bullshit over and over again regardless of the fact that you did it yesterday, the day before, and every other day before that since you launched this titless waste of time you call a ‘web site’?

    You bunch of homous (sic) :D

    Keep it up, creeps!

  166. Missed ashe says:

    The writer wears a mustashe. That’s why he couldn’t bring himself to write an insult on them. Thanks for letting us do the judging.

  167. Netme says:

    The penguin …. o my god THE PENGUIN!!!!! HAHAHAHA

  168. Phil says:

    Those 5 blade razors hack my face to pieces, and I have a very heavy beard, which I’ve recently grown out full.

    The funny thing is, I fit in with the some stereotypes for both “what you think it says” and “what it really says”. I really DIDN’T get laid in high school, but did to an almost ridiculous degree pretty much starting right after graduation.

    I really AM righting screenplays- well, a screenplay, and I DO sit around reading much of the time, to the point that it’s kinda killed my social life as of late, which doesn’t really bother me, which I suppose is almost like being tired of banging chicks.

    That said, I do light wet, unkempt hipster vag. Like the band Volcano the Bear said in their song “Hairy Queen”, ‘distribute her hair with mine!’

  169. Phil says:

    that’s “writing screenplays”- it’s lateaced coin-booth

  170. Phil says:

    that’s “like wet, unkempt hipster vag”- jeezuz I need to preview my posts

  171. Phil says:

    dammit, “aced coin-booth” was the security text!

    purple monkey dishwasher!

  172. Phil says:

    “the some”?!? ARRRRGH!

  173. Camel Tao says:

    Fuck, Phil, how’s that screenplay coming? Your spell-check must hate you.

  174. maryl streep says:

    that chin strap one is funny cause kanye west wears that and we all know he IS the king of douche bags.

  175. PR Penguin says:

    there’s a freakin’ penguin up there! hahah! that’s genius!

  176. Tachyon says:

    I wonder who made this list. It’s idiotic. Clearly it’s a man hating woman or an alien as their’s no ‘cool’ facial hair scenario.

    Secondly, they don’t know spit about facial hair, including not knowing the difference between a goatee and a VanDyke.

    Next time Rosie O’Donnell, either read http://www.dyers.org/blog/beards/beard-type-chart/ first, or get a slightly less angry lesbian bitch man hater to write for you. Maybe Lindsay Lohan.

  177. urdickholes says:

    All the guys in these photos creep me out. Just like all the internet tough guys on this forum. Real men you are.

  178. Maou says:

    Where’s the neckbeard?

  179. Bob Fairlane says:

    The photo of spock with a beard made me laugh.

  180. Random Hero says:

    So, what if you have facial hair but none of the above listed, including those listed in the comments?

    And what’s to be said about the Wolf Boys of Mexico whose entire face is cover in hair?

  181. dannie78 says:

    well gosh i know this will sound silly
    but i get off to thinking of rosanne barr kicking me hard in the nuts and totally making me her bitch

  182. Tom Arnold Lover says:

    Am I the only one who was rolling around in hysterics to see a picture of Tom Arnold? Kudos for throwing that tired windbag a bone…

  183. Loves Pretty Boys says:

    That clean shaven guy is gorgeous.

  184. Runawaychair says:

    Since you put down all mens’ faces, what are we supposed to do? Lost its humor, childless woman.

  185. Vivster08 says:

    “Also, I really want you to look at my mouth, so I circled it in hair.”

    LOLLL!

  186. Some Dyke says:

    so hilriou i cried, and then my vagina cried. dig?

  187. Ibrahim | ZenCollegeLife.com says:

    What I get from this post is that there is nothing a man can do with facial hair that is positive… even shave it…

    Tis a sad day for men who’ve reached puberty. A sad day indeed.

  188. I have no face says:

    Okay. Obviously, if you are a guy, and have anything in between facial hair and no facial hair, you are a douche. (according to this article)

    Mustache is the only thing not hinted here?

  189. jmg says:

    whatever. nobody’s fucks cheese like Sarah Silverman. Don’t believe me? Look it up!

  190. Captain Lou Albano says:

    Realism is a vagicunt. Must think the world of himself, being so deep and philosophical as to use a screenname from which the nature and plausibility of which is one of the most hotly debated issues in contemporary metaphysics, perhaps even the most hotly debated issue in contemporary philosophy. The question of the nature and plausibility of realism arises with respect to a large number of subject matters, including ethics, aesthetics, causation, modality, science, mathematics, semantics, and the everyday world of macroscopic material objects and their properties. To assume such an exhaustive and complex concept as a screenname illustrates the egocentric paradigm in which “Realism” appears to exist.

    I am, in fact, important, cool, and at least ,;”|: this many years older than the 3 year old referred to, for whom you are waiting (which I might add is a pointless and time consuming venture for a realist to undertake).

    Anyway, the real reason I came to reply before reading “Realism’s” hate mail was to question if this article basically says that anything done/ or not done with your facial hair leaves one a loser? Is that the verdict? Assuming so, I guess I will just resort to a style not mentioned…the 70′s era flavor saver moustache. Cheers!

    *Just kidding with you Realism – we are all friends here…

  191. nonomis says:

    what about just a chin beard? Your forgot about a chin beard!

  192. nsjfsdlkjf says:

    that part about the chin strap is so true. my ex had a chin strap, although it was more of a “i have a recessive jaw and a severe overbite so this covers that defect” kinda thing.

  193. Your mom says:

    I love it, no matter what you do, your a faggot. I guess the overall message of this is: kill yourself. lol.

  194. b-rad says:

    represent yo!

  195. ChuckNorris says:

    Who said something about beards? My beard will kill you! You hear me pussy? Kill you dead I tell you!

  196. Full beard. says:

    Wow I seriously thought I was the only guy who grew his beard just to try and keep the chicks the fuck off.

    I say try because it doesn’t work. This one time I went and put ketchup on this girl’s shirt as I sat across from her. I just opened up the ketchup packet and put it on her like she was a fucking burger. She goes “WTF!” and I say “oh, I’m sorry”.

    That didn’t work either. I had her that night.

  197. Pipedream says:

    You are all a bunch of fucking asshats.

  198. andrew top-hat says:

    I’m class of 98, damn, now I feel old, thanks holy taco.
    I laughed at the rest of it, but at that part i kinda slowly stopped chuckling and had to turn down my third eye blind cd.

  199. Double U Tee Eff says:

    You guys are fricken weirdos with or without facial hair.

  200. My hairy butt says:

    I have always called the soul patch and “idiot’s dribble”

  201. Hairy Potter says:

    I am on the edge of my seat waiting for Holy Taco to tackle pubic hair, and what it says about you.

    Shaven means you probably work at a topless, bottomless bar.

    Waxed means you wanna look good in your bikini in Cancun this weekend.

    Red hair means you are probably a carrot top.

  202. Frank Opinion says:

    That’s easy for you to say, Hairy Potter.

    You probably don’t have any pubic hair yet.

    Wait, didn’t you transplant some from your nosehairs, so you could look more mature when the other students “pantsed” you?

  203. Poonbear says:

    No representation: handlebar.

  204. tylor says:

    so there is no way you can have (or can’t have) facial hair as a man without obscurely being a douche?

  205. LMAO says:

    YOU HAVE A CHIN STRAP, DONT YOU? thats why your catching feelings.

  206. Bonethefish.com says:

    The only thing I know is ‘no chinstrap’!

  207. Black man with white girl eating his cack says:

    mmmmmmmMMMMMMMM

  208. The Anon says:

    Factual errors: what is labeled “goatee” above is actually a van Dyke. What the EFF is a “soul patch”? That looks like a goatee to me. Boring, probably american, attempt at being droll. *Yawn*

  209. OC chin strap says:

    The penguin sporting the OC chin strap is the only cool one in the group.

  210. keith says:

    You guys are the bomb. I laughed so hard at all of the comments. Keep up the good work.

  211. wish-I-had-a-stash says:

    what about the mustache?????? Isn’t that a facial hair category all its own??

  212. Men's Life Today says:

    Men’s Life Today wrote a similar piece on facial hair. Check it out…

    Get Your Whiskers on: The Right Razor Cut for Your Face http://menslifetoday.com/feature/grooming/flattering_facial_hair/index.html

  213. Adolf Hitler says:

    I like facial hair.
    I like men.
    I like men who look manly.
    …Hm, what helps men look more manly?

    Fucking facial hair does.

    It looks like pubic hair on black men.

  214. Bexxx says:

    I loved it – desperately needed a laugh after a nasty day at work and just scrolling down the page what I read (and saw)just got funnier and funnier. At the last one, the picture of the penguin completely cracked me up.

    Thank you, oh Holy Taco for allowing me to feel my one moment of joy and happiness today. Bless you.

    And then the comments section. Yes! Also, I really want you to look at my mouth, so I circled it in hair.: AKA prison pussy!

  215. 6th grade english teacher says:

    i love how the last picture for the chin-strap is a penguin.

    “the names bag. DOUCHE bag”
    hahaha so true for this and many other hairstyles

  216. goofball says:

    Taco, u are a goofball ;)

  217. Viking Quest Göran says:

    FUCK YOU, FUNNY AMERICAN!!!! Lick my homemade swedish meatballs of my ass crack. You’ll love the salty flavour.

  218. Jamal says:

    hahahahahah I LOVE THIS XD

  219. Chin Strap= Randy B. says:

    OMG the chin strap is EXACTLY what my ex is. a douche bag. who just wears it cuz he thinks black kids will see him wearing it and then accept him into theyre gay black orgy.

  220. DAnonymous says:

    The penguin has a chin strap

  221. Fuck My Life says:

    *to all trolls only*

    Trolling Fucktards… Oh shit I’m trolling too… oops…

    Do you guys play with your buttholes while you come up with this comments???

    I think I’ll go outside now…

    you know, the stuff that’s outside the front door of your house?
    you all should try it sometime, it’s awesome.

  222. fuckshizzle says:

    this is really funny because I have a goatee and often leave my socks on when i have sex. really, i do. hahaha

  223. yabbiyum says:

    u forgot that hideous stayawayfromme mustache jamie heinemann of mythbusters has

  224. James Smith says:

    The last person whose appearance was improved by facial hair was Abraham Lincoln. So, unless your face is that ugly, shave, you lazy bastard!

  225. Anoni says:

    WHERE IS THE ‘STACHE????

  226. BeardedClam says:

    Do an article on pubic hair.

    Why all the assclown comments? Not enough salt or fiber in your diets?

  227. curious horhey says:

    this makes me wonder which facial hair the author has as they all are negative. except maybe the mutton chops. maybe he has mutton chops. which are gayer than at least half the other facial hair styles here. funny though. i laughed a couple times

  228. Earl says:

    what the fuck ever!!!!

  229. Isabella says:

    So what facial hair is acceptable?

  230. Sandy says:

    Hey, what about my ‘stache? It says nothing?

  231. Hairy Guy says:

    I am having moustache and a lump of hair in my chin.What type of guy i wud be?
    Learn How To Pick Up, Attract, And Seduce Women!– http://bit.ly/successful-seduction-tips

  232. Finds this strange says:

    So basically… you can’t actually have any kind of style without turning someone off?

  233. Haha i sense a samefag. says:

    Yea. you fuckstick

  234. baby diks 7 lol says:

    shit in the BUTT no Fsuui! ass hermAfrodsI!

  235. ShitsnGiGs says:

    No, he was ratard.
    A “retard.”
    OH OH OH OH OHA, GOTTA GET MY MONEY RIGHT!

  236. Angie says:

    I like it when a guy has a clean shaved face thats just my opinion, My girls like it when a guy has highlighs so it all depends…

    your cutie Angie :)
    e cig

  237. Anonymousse says:

    LOL WTF teh forum isn’ot MODERATDED?

  238. hehhehehe says:

    soul patch ftw

  239. waspfarmer says:

    Wow,
    Yup Shizzle, this nailed me and my van Dyke to a tree too! I prefer to refer to myself as a “motorcyclist” or a “motorbike enthusiast”. Motorcycling for we with goatees is as much a fassion statement as a mode of personal transport. I only leave my socks on if I happen to be wearing any at the outset of the event. I hope Chuck Norris dosn’t see this…

  240. Who Cares says:

    Gotta love Godwin’s Law!!!

  241. Benjit says:

    Beards are awesome!

  242. Phishphinger says:

    Wonder how many of the screamers of ‘FAG!’ secretly wonder about what it’s like to suck a great big cock? They certainly do seem to obsess about FAG!s rather a lot, judging from how often they bring them up.

  243. Man says:

    Who ever wrote this is a douche. You bag on every style of facial hair even no facial hair. You must be the biggest loser ever. Let me guess you tried every kind and your still a virgin. Guys, you have facial hair for a reason, have fun with it and you’ll still get laid, exept for the dumbass that wrote all this garbage.

  244. Anonomouse says:

    The chin strap: “I thought my hair might fall off so I grew this”

    A beard is for real men. Guys who knock it are just jealous. And I get plenty of play! Really!

    Those of you who take this shit seriously need to get the sand out of your vagina.

  245. pistolpeete says:

    facial hair is usually for slobs,bald clowns,or whimps tryn to look more macho….i can just look in any dudes eye and see what he’s all bout,,,,,,and most of the time it isnt much

  246. you're all... says:

    complete fags and i know this will make some fuck tard reply with an insult or summit ghey but the truth is i will never be back on here so i’ll never read the reply har har suckers

  247. NightWarrior says:

    What a shame that I can’t get a date because women are too shallow to date a guy with a bit of facial hair. Well guess what, I’m clean shaven now. So for you women who’ve given me dirty looks because of my facial hair, I hope some guy will reject you for shallow reasons.

  248. Uhntiss says:

    So apparently I’m a douchebag. Fuck you guys, my chinstrap is awesome xD

  249. goob says:

    no hitler mustache

  250. dadafari says:

    no no no, it’s a Michael Jordan mustache now. Pay attention!!

  251. Gillian says:

    That beard guy is hot. I would definitely let him put it in my unkempt hipster vagina.

  252. Nigger says:

    Niggerfaggots.

  253. Njagga! says:

    do you think Im cool? I can say ASS!!!

  254. Truth says:

    Check out my latest impression, “OH GOD I CAN’T GET ALL THESE COCKS OUT OF MY ASS! MY NAME IS HOLYTACO.COM! I AM A WEBSITE THAT AIMS TO BE FUNNY BUT BOILS DOWN TO USING CRUDE RUDIMENTARY COMMENTS AND SAYINGS! OH NO NOW THE COCKS ARE AIMING AT MY FACE AND I CANNOT RESIST GOBBLING ON THEM!

    What do you think?

  255. Rollie Fingers says:

    Very disturbed not to see the mustache on here

  256. Teddy roosevelt says:

    Bully!

  257. HORSEDICK.M-PEG says:

    HAHAHA ALL THE PPL WITH THE SOUL PATCH WERE A BUNCH OF OLD FARTS TRYING TO BE HIP

  258. fuckubitch says:

    fuck the world lol!!
    this is fucking stupid!! i have a beard and hey it looks better then yours.

  259. Namos spiritus alcohumus says:

    fuck!

  260. Mark Schwartz says:

    mustaches are for prepubescent boys, feminists/& or lesbians, grannies, and hippies.