Your facial hair (or lack thereof) can say a lot about you, but sometimes there's a difference between what you think you're saying with it, and what it's actually telling people.
The Full Beard
What You Think It Says About You: I have written, or am currently writing three to four novels and or screenplays. I think deeply about things, and sometimes I'll just sit and read, because I like reading. Yeah, that's something I do. Is your unkempt hipster vagina moist yet? Plus, despite what my emo-swoop haircut may suggest, I'm comfortable with my masculinity.
What It Really Says About You: a)I never got laid in high school, and used to get the shit kicked out of me, then suddenly realized that if I grew a beard, it hid my nerdy face, b)I've gotten so much poontang in my life that I'm literally TIRED of banging chicks. Now in an effort to see how ridiculous I can make myself and still get laid, I'm growing this. or c)Don't open a package I might send to you, and stay the F off my lawn.
Good For: Lumberjacks, the Unemployed/Homeless, Pyschos, Hipsters
Sentence Heard From This Person: "You should listen to this NPR podcast I downloaded."
Who Sports It:
The Goatee
What You Think It Says About You: I'm a little bit straight-laced, and a little bit wild. I can get down to business, but I can also party hard, too. Whatever you want, I'm up for it.
What It Really Says About You: I can tell you who is going to go far in the NHL playoffs, and most likely, if I have sex with you, I'll leave my socks on. Also, I really want you to look at my mouth, so I circled it in hair.
Good For: Noah the Intern, Youth Group Ministers, Bikers
Sentence Heard From This Person: "Oh man, that shitter is going to remember me."
Who Sports It:
Mutton Chops
What You Think It Says About You: I'm some kind of artist who makes art that's creative, but also a little bit rebelious.
What It Really Says About You: Ask me about my rebelious, creative art!
Good For: Rock Stars, People with Adamantium Skeletons, Civil War Generals
Sentences Heard From This Person: "The best I can do is just express myself, and hope that it connects with someone, somewhere, and they feel what I feel. Pain."
Who Sports It:
Manicured Scruff
What You Think It Says About You: I'm a relaxed guy who definitely cares about keeping up my appearance, but I'm also relaxed...like I said before. You remember when I said I was relaxed, right? Because I did say that.
What It Really Says About You: Right now, this is the only thing I have in common with Jason Statham, but I'm working on that.
Good For: Construction Workers, Garbagemen, Homeless Guys Who Found a Razor in the Trash Yesterday
Sentences Heard From This Person: "We're sittin' there, and the client doesn't know WHAT the f*&k is going on, and all I can think about is, that new chick from accounting has some tits I'd love to smush my face in, you know what I'm saying?"
Who Sports It:
Clean Shaven
What You Think It Says About You: I care about my appearance, and I paid a lot of money for one of those five-blade razors, so I'm gonna get my money's worth.
What It Really Says About You: I am afraid to experiment with facial hair, because I have no idea what would happen. It might grow in all patchy and I'll look like the neighbor from The Burbs or something. It's better to just avoid it altogether.
Good For: Children, Women, The Terminally Ill
Sentence Heard From This Person: "I'd love to get coffee with you, I just have to finish some work. Shall we say Coffee Bean at 8:30? Tentatively?"
Who Sports It:
The Soul Patch
What You Think It Says About You: I'm hip with the youngsters of today. I understand their television programs, and their music, and their youtubes. I sent a text message yesterday, too. That's how hip I am!
What It Really Says About You: I'm playing in a 1998 high school baseball game tomorrow.
Good For: Ska Band Trombone Players, Beatknick Poets, Evil Alter-Egos
Sentence Heard From This Person: I just got a hold of this new Rob Thomas album, have you heard this guy? Great rythym."
Who Sports It:
The Chin Strap
What You Think It Says About You: I have the masculinity for a beard, but I'm also concerned about my appearance, and I take the time to make myself look good and manly. Plus, nobody else in my boy band has a beard like this.
What It Really Says About You: The name's Bag. Douche Bag.
Good For: Boy Band Members, White kids who somehow think black kids wear this facial hair, Asian Bad Guys
Sentence Heard From This Person: "You know, it's all 'bout music, you know, I'm just, you know, tryin' to feel what's inside me and express that shit, you know."
Oh man this is priceless I love it. I go between goatee full beard and sometimes clean shaven, and I gotta say I sometimes feel like a douche bag in all three of them, and I've got friends with chops and a patch, and they fit those stereotypes perfectly.
And for all the dudes getting defensive, especially the guy who just sounded like he wanted someone to piss on his face, grow the fuck up.
I dont get it nothing not one style wins. Everything you do according to this makes you a jackass or look really stupid. Even if you dont grow anything at all you still lose. WTF who wrote this shit. By far the worst thing i have ever read.
this guy is right u cant win with "mr reason" who is apparently unreasonable about facial hair or the lack therof. you should get someone to write this who at least has an idea of what looks good if you wanted someone to just dis everybody why didnt you get rosanne barr????
Who ever wrote this can't grow facial hair. This applies to even the clean shaven comments. If you can't grow facial hair you can't be clean shaven. Also, if you have to shave, you know that buying a 5blade razor sucks but is necessary.
So clearly you can't grow any facial hair and are: a) a guy wearing an obscure T-shirt that only he thinks is funny and who never gets laid. b) a guy wearing an obscure T-shirt that only he thinks is funny and who never gets laid. c) a guy wearing an obscure T-shirt that only he thinks is funny and who never gets laid.
Yuk people take things much too seriously. Look what youre reading...look....look...look right below it...see the greased up ass? Yeah. I see it. Anyway guy who will never read these comments because half the time they make him cry you forgot the mexi-stash, the halfassed, dirty lookin patchy mufuh. The mexistash can be found at clubs across the midwest, mostly on guys in their late twenties grinding on middleschool girls who developed early.
ok, so to summarize, you think all guys, no matter how they handle their inevitable facial hair, are ugly douchebags. great point, lame attempt to be funny.
I think that all of them except the beard, will "fly" with the ladies. I think that this page was written by a man with Indian decent who is just jealous that he has no hair anywhere.
The Soul Patch is actually a tool most commonly used by homos to tickle the asshole while they give hummers. These people also tend to wear socks with their sandals.
You left out the Van Dyke. Thats like the goatee, except that the mustache and chinbeard dont connect. You could point out something about not being able to grow an actual goatee. :D
you forgot the van dyke. its like a goatee but the moustache and chinbeard dont connect. you could say something about how they cant grow an actual goatee.
MY HUSBAND TIM HAS A GOATEE AND MUSTACHE AND IS HOT AS HELL!!! HE HAS NOTHING TO PROVE TO ANYONE EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT HE LIKES TO LOOK GOOD & HAS WONDERFUL HYGIENE! HOW MANY WOMEN CAN SAY THAT ABOUT THEIR MEN! P.S...YES...HE IS HYGIENIC FROM HEAD TO TOE IF YOU GET MY DRIFT,NOT LIKE SOME HAIRY BEASTS WITH HAIR FLOWING OUT OF THEIR EARS & NOSTRILS,LET ALONE THEIR PRIVATE AREAS!!!!! I LOVE YOU TIM!!!!!!!
that manicured scruff blurb pissed me off. first you say construction workers and garbage men rock it , than your quote is obviously from some office douche talkin about the chick from accounting.
im gonna grow out my facial just so i cud munch on yer ex girlfriends fish taco until her juice permanately stains it to the point where when we finally meet in person youre gonna recognize exactly what tuna scent is on my upper lip.
I feel a primal need to respond.
However, my responding proves the pointlessness
…and un-fulfillment in the response itself, yet…
To not respond,
….is a non-response, countermanding my primal need.
I feel the need to respond, I must respond…
Please help,
I respond…, therefore, proving the pointlessness, and un-satiated fulfillment of the response.
I’m trapped in my own response back-loop!!
I respond, therefore, I am not.
OK, so in order to be "cool" to the good folks at holytaco, what ARE you allowed to do with your facial hair? Since shaving clean, beards and absolutely NO type of maintenance is allowed without you being a "douchebag"? Just sayin.
It's a joke, you moron. If you're living your life, and deciding what to do with your facial hair based on what the "good folks at holytaco" say, then you've got far deeper problems than facial hair fashion. Here's how you should do: whatever doesn't irritate your boyfriends' inner-thighs.
Say, why don't you fags just keep writing the same cynical bullshit over and over again regardless of the fact that you did it yesterday, the day before, and every other day before that since you launched this titless waste of time you call a 'web site'?
Those 5 blade razors hack my face to pieces, and I have a very heavy beard, which I've recently grown out full.
The funny thing is, I fit in with the some stereotypes for both "what you think it says" and "what it really says". I really DIDN'T get laid in high school, but did to an almost ridiculous degree pretty much starting right after graduation.
I really AM righting screenplays- well, a screenplay, and I DO sit around reading much of the time, to the point that it's kinda killed my social life as of late, which doesn't really bother me, which I suppose is almost like being tired of banging chicks.
That said, I do light wet, unkempt hipster vag. Like the band Volcano the Bear said in their song "Hairy Queen", 'distribute her hair with mine!'
I wonder who made this list. It's idiotic. Clearly it's a man hating woman or an alien as their's no 'cool' facial hair scenario.
Secondly, they don't know spit about facial hair, including not knowing the difference between a goatee and a VanDyke.
Next time Rosie O'Donnell, either read http://www.dyers.org/blog/beards/beard-type-chart/ first, or get a slightly less angry lesbian bitch man hater to write for you. Maybe Lindsay Lohan.
(128 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
June 23rd, 2009 at 09:42 pm
Does anyone know who is in the first bearded photo? He looks familiar, but I can't think of what I've seen him in.
June 24th, 2009 at 06:53 pm
is it common for no one to take credit for writing these lists?
July 9th, 2009 at 12:24 am
You suck at lists.
Eat shit and die.
Fag.
July 9th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
It's called a flavor saver not a soul patch douche...who can only grow white trash patchy facial pubes.
August 25th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
haha you probably have one of those things on your face and you're feeling a little insulted right now.
July 10th, 2009 at 07:01 am
Missed out:
The Chin tache and many more... look it up eh Malki?
Desmond Morris (the anthropologist) says that people who have facial hair AND shave are sexual deviants.
Guilty as charged...
July 13th, 2009 at 08:42 pm
i only read the "guilty as charged" part and instantly n
knew u wer a homosexual
July 10th, 2009 at 05:33 pm
Oh man this is priceless I love it. I go between goatee full beard and sometimes clean shaven, and I gotta say I sometimes feel like a douche bag in all three of them, and I've got friends with chops and a patch, and they fit those stereotypes perfectly.
And for all the dudes getting defensive, especially the guy who just sounded like he wanted someone to piss on his face, grow the fuck up.
Its fucking facial hair.
July 11th, 2009 at 05:16 pm
I dont get it nothing not one style wins. Everything you do according to this makes you a jackass or look really stupid. Even if you dont grow anything at all you still lose. WTF who wrote this shit. By far the worst thing i have ever read.
July 13th, 2009 at 10:39 am
that's how real life is. DEAL WITH IT.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:03 am
this guy is right u cant win with "mr reason" who is apparently unreasonable about facial hair or the lack therof. you should get someone to write this who at least has an idea of what looks good if you wanted someone to just dis everybody why didnt you get rosanne barr????
September 12th, 2009 at 03:33 pm
you sound like a woman
shut up
July 13th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Damn, they left out the molest-ache.. how could they??
July 13th, 2009 at 08:51 pm
Who ever wrote this can't grow facial hair. This applies to even the clean shaven comments. If you can't grow facial hair you can't be clean shaven. Also, if you have to shave, you know that buying a 5blade razor sucks but is necessary.
So clearly you can't grow any facial hair and are:
a) a guy wearing an obscure T-shirt that only he thinks is funny and who never gets laid.
b) a guy wearing an obscure T-shirt that only he thinks is funny and who never gets laid.
c) a guy wearing an obscure T-shirt that only he thinks is funny and who never gets laid.
p.s. What about the mustache?
July 14th, 2009 at 01:21 pm
What about the goatee where the rest of the beard has grown out for a few days... that's a look...
July 14th, 2009 at 04:19 pm
Yuk people take things much too seriously. Look what youre reading...look....look...look right below it...see the greased up ass? Yeah. I see it. Anyway guy who will never read these comments because half the time they make him cry you forgot the mexi-stash, the halfassed, dirty lookin patchy mufuh. The mexistash can be found at clubs across the midwest, mostly on guys in their late twenties grinding on middleschool girls who developed early.
July 17th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Unfunny, stupid. Seems like written by a teenager.
July 19th, 2009 at 01:30 am
dumb
July 21st, 2009 at 10:53 am
What about just a mustache? You guys missed the original stylized facial hair
What You Think It Says About You: I'm mature and not gay like those guys that have goatees. They are so gay!
What It Really Says About You: I'm gay.
Good For: 70's porn stars, um.. gays
Sentences Heard From This Person: I hate it when my milk covers my mustache.
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:23 pm
ok, so to summarize, you think all guys, no matter how they handle their inevitable facial hair, are ugly douchebags. great point, lame attempt to be funny.
July 22nd, 2009 at 06:22 pm
What about the zappa stache? (large soul patch + moustache that is not quite a handle bar stache) That's what I'm currently sportin'
Can you continue this series and include it?
August 4th, 2009 at 06:45 am
I think that all of them except the beard, will "fly" with the ladies. I think that this page was written by a man with Indian decent who is just jealous that he has no hair anywhere.
August 11th, 2009 at 08:24 pm
that is not a goatee it's a chin circle a goatee has no stash van-dyke has the stash unconnected.
yes, I'm a gay fellow. so what?
August 18th, 2009 at 06:52 pm
They missed one...The Gooch. AKA the Hitker moustache. Did one little man ruin an entire class of moustache forever? Shame. Damn dirty shame.
August 19th, 2009 at 07:27 pm
The Soul Patch is actually a tool most commonly used by homos to tickle the asshole while they give hummers. These people also tend to wear socks with their sandals.
August 20th, 2009 at 02:15 pm
You left out the Van Dyke. Thats like the goatee, except that the mustache and chinbeard dont connect. You could point out something about not being able to grow an actual goatee. :D
August 20th, 2009 at 02:16 pm
you forgot the van dyke. its like a goatee but the moustache and chinbeard dont connect. you could say something about how they cant grow an actual goatee.
August 23rd, 2009 at 10:58 am
MY HUSBAND TIM HAS A GOATEE AND MUSTACHE AND IS HOT AS HELL!!! HE HAS NOTHING TO PROVE TO ANYONE EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT HE LIKES TO LOOK GOOD & HAS WONDERFUL HYGIENE! HOW MANY WOMEN CAN SAY THAT ABOUT THEIR MEN! P.S...YES...HE IS HYGIENIC FROM HEAD TO TOE IF YOU GET MY DRIFT,NOT LIKE SOME HAIRY BEASTS WITH HAIR FLOWING OUT OF THEIR EARS & NOSTRILS,LET ALONE THEIR PRIVATE AREAS!!!!! I LOVE YOU TIM!!!!!!!
August 23rd, 2009 at 11:02 am
you must really love your husband,wish mine was like that,can barely get him to bathe
August 23rd, 2009 at 09:25 pm
that manicured scruff blurb pissed me off. first you say construction workers and garbage men rock it , than your quote is obviously from some office douche talkin about the chick from accounting.
im gonna grow out my facial just so i cud munch on yer ex girlfriends fish taco until her juice permanately stains it to the point where when we finally meet in person youre gonna recognize exactly what tuna scent is on my upper lip.
August 25th, 2009 at 05:36 am
The chin strap (AKA fag beard) was dead on.
August 25th, 2009 at 06:39 pm
I feel a primal need to respond.
However, my responding proves the pointlessness
…and un-fulfillment in the response itself, yet…
To not respond,
….is a non-response, countermanding my primal need.
I feel the need to respond, I must respond…
Please help,
I respond…, therefore, proving the pointlessness, and un-satiated fulfillment of the response.
I’m trapped in my own response back-loop!!
I respond, therefore, I am not.
Just think whatever,
Hair 2009
August 26th, 2009 at 11:51 am
What the full beard really says about you:
"Yeah, I don't trim my pubes either, now suck it bitch."
August 28th, 2009 at 09:08 am
OK, so in order to be "cool" to the good folks at holytaco, what ARE you allowed to do with your facial hair? Since shaving clean, beards and absolutely NO type of maintenance is allowed without you being a "douchebag"? Just sayin.
September 11th, 2009 at 09:17 pm
It's a joke, you moron. If you're living your life, and deciding what to do with your facial hair based on what the "good folks at holytaco" say, then you've got far deeper problems than facial hair fashion. Here's how you should do: whatever doesn't irritate your boyfriends' inner-thighs.
August 31st, 2009 at 05:52 pm
I saw a guy yesterday day with Amish chin whiskers down to his chest and an Irish brogue. I Can't even begin to find a category for that!
September 4th, 2009 at 04:54 pm
"Also, I really want you to look at my mouth, so I circled it in hair."
Haha, that's the funniest thing I've read all day
September 6th, 2009 at 11:49 am
test..
September 6th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Great!
Say, why don't you fags just keep writing the same cynical bullshit over and over again regardless of the fact that you did it yesterday, the day before, and every other day before that since you launched this titless waste of time you call a 'web site'?
You bunch of homous (sic) :D
Keep it up, creeps!
September 8th, 2009 at 01:06 am
The writer wears a mustashe. That's why he couldn't bring himself to write an insult on them. Thanks for letting us do the judging.
September 11th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
The penguin .... o my god THE PENGUIN!!!!! HAHAHAHA
September 12th, 2009 at 01:18 am
Those 5 blade razors hack my face to pieces, and I have a very heavy beard, which I've recently grown out full.
The funny thing is, I fit in with the some stereotypes for both "what you think it says" and "what it really says". I really DIDN'T get laid in high school, but did to an almost ridiculous degree pretty much starting right after graduation.
I really AM righting screenplays- well, a screenplay, and I DO sit around reading much of the time, to the point that it's kinda killed my social life as of late, which doesn't really bother me, which I suppose is almost like being tired of banging chicks.
That said, I do light wet, unkempt hipster vag. Like the band Volcano the Bear said in their song "Hairy Queen", 'distribute her hair with mine!'
September 12th, 2009 at 01:20 am
that's "writing screenplays"- it's lateaced coin-booth
September 12th, 2009 at 01:23 am
dammit, "aced coin-booth" was the security text!
purple monkey dishwasher!
September 12th, 2009 at 01:28 am
"the some"?!? ARRRRGH!
September 12th, 2009 at 01:21 am
that's "like wet, unkempt hipster vag"- jeezuz I need to preview my posts
September 13th, 2009 at 06:16 pm
Fuck, Phil, how's that screenplay coming? Your spell-check must hate you.
September 14th, 2009 at 10:53 am
that chin strap one is funny cause kanye west wears that and we all know he IS the king of douche bags.
September 15th, 2009 at 12:48 am
there's a freakin' penguin up there! hahah! that's genius!
September 19th, 2009 at 03:56 pm
I wonder who made this list. It's idiotic. Clearly it's a man hating woman or an alien as their's no 'cool' facial hair scenario.
Secondly, they don't know spit about facial hair, including not knowing the difference between a goatee and a VanDyke.
Next time Rosie O'Donnell, either read http://www.dyers.org/blog/beards/beard-type-chart/ first, or get a slightly less angry lesbian bitch man hater to write for you. Maybe Lindsay Lohan.
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