Your facial hair (or lack thereof) can say a lot about you, but sometimes there's a difference between what you think you're saying with it, and what it's actually telling people.
The Full Beard
What You Think It Says About You: I have written, or am currently writing three to four novels and or screenplays. I think deeply about things, and sometimes I'll just sit and read, because I like reading. Yeah, that's something I do. Is your unkempt hipster vagina moist yet? Plus, despite what my emo-swoop haircut may suggest, I'm comfortable with my masculinity.
What It Really Says About You: a)I never got laid in high school, and used to get the shit kicked out of me, then suddenly realized that if I grew a beard, it hid my nerdy face, b)I've gotten so much poontang in my life that I'm literally TIRED of banging chicks. Now in an effort to see how ridiculous I can make myself and still get laid, I'm growing this. or c)Don't open a package I might send to you, and stay the F off my lawn.
Good For: Lumberjacks, the Unemployed/Homeless, Pyschos, Hipsters
Sentence Heard From This Person: "You should listen to this NPR podcast I downloaded."
Who Sports It:
The Goatee
What You Think It Says About You: I'm a little bit straight-laced, and a little bit wild. I can get down to business, but I can also party hard, too. Whatever you want, I'm up for it.
What It Really Says About You: I can tell you who is going to go far in the NHL playoffs, and most likely, if I have sex with you, I'll leave my socks on. Also, I really want you to look at my mouth, so I circled it in hair.
Good For: Noah the Intern, Youth Group Ministers, Bikers
Sentence Heard From This Person: "Oh man, that shitter is going to remember me."
Who Sports It:
Mutton Chops
What You Think It Says About You: I'm some kind of artist who makes art that's creative, but also a little bit rebelious.
What It Really Says About You: Ask me about my rebelious, creative art!
Good For: Rock Stars, People with Adamantium Skeletons, Civil War Generals
Sentences Heard From This Person: "The best I can do is just express myself, and hope that it connects with someone, somewhere, and they feel what I feel. Pain."
Who Sports It:
Manicured Scruff
What You Think It Says About You: I'm a relaxed guy who definitely cares about keeping up my appearance, but I'm also relaxed...like I said before. You remember when I said I was relaxed, right? Because I did say that.
What It Really Says About You: Right now, this is the only thing I have in common with Jason Statham, but I'm working on that.
Good For: Construction Workers, Garbagemen, Homeless Guys Who Found a Razor in the Trash Yesterday
Sentences Heard From This Person: "We're sittin' there, and the client doesn't know WHAT the f*&k is going on, and all I can think about is, that new chick from accounting has some tits I'd love to smush my face in, you know what I'm saying?"
Who Sports It:
Clean Shaven
What You Think It Says About You: I care about my appearance, and I paid a lot of money for one of those five-blade razors, so I'm gonna get my money's worth.
What It Really Says About You: I am afraid to experiment with facial hair, because I have no idea what would happen. It might grow in all patchy and I'll look like the neighbor from The Burbs or something. It's better to just avoid it altogether.
Good For: Children, Women, The Terminally Ill
Sentence Heard From This Person: "I'd love to get coffee with you, I just have to finish some work. Shall we say Coffee Bean at 8:30? Tentatively?"
Who Sports It:
The Soul Patch
What You Think It Says About You: I'm hip with the youngsters of today. I understand their television programs, and their music, and their youtubes. I sent a text message yesterday, too. That's how hip I am!
What It Really Says About You: I'm playing in a 1998 high school baseball game tomorrow.
Good For: Ska Band Trombone Players, Beatknick Poets, Evil Alter-Egos
Sentence Heard From This Person: I just got a hold of this new Rob Thomas album, have you heard this guy? Great rythym."
Who Sports It:
The Chin Strap
What You Think It Says About You: I have the masculinity for a beard, but I'm also concerned about my appearance, and I take the time to make myself look good and manly. Plus, nobody else in my boy band has a beard like this.
What It Really Says About You: The name's Bag. Douche Bag.
Good For: Boy Band Members, White kids who somehow think black kids wear this facial hair, Asian Bad Guys
Sentence Heard From This Person: "You know, it's all 'bout music, you know, I'm just, you know, tryin' to feel what's inside me and express that shit, you know."
Realism is a vagicunt. Must think the world of himself, being so deep and philosophical as to use a screenname from which the nature and plausibility of which is one of the most hotly debated issues in contemporary metaphysics, perhaps even the most hotly debated issue in contemporary philosophy. The question of the nature and plausibility of realism arises with respect to a large number of subject matters, including ethics, aesthetics, causation, modality, science, mathematics, semantics, and the everyday world of macroscopic material objects and their properties. To assume such an exhaustive and complex concept as a screenname illustrates the egocentric paradigm in which "Realism" appears to exist.
I am, in fact, important, cool, and at least ,;"|: this many years older than the 3 year old referred to, for whom you are waiting (which I might add is a pointless and time consuming venture for a realist to undertake).
Anyway, the real reason I came to reply before reading "Realism's" hate mail was to question if this article basically says that anything done/ or not done with your facial hair leaves one a loser? Is that the verdict? Assuming so, I guess I will just resort to a style not mentioned...the 70's era flavor saver moustache. Cheers!
*Just kidding with you Realism - we are all friends here...
that part about the chin strap is so true. my ex had a chin strap, although it was more of a "i have a recessive jaw and a severe overbite so this covers that defect" kinda thing.
Wow I seriously thought I was the only guy who grew his beard just to try and keep the chicks the fuck off.
I say try because it doesn't work. This one time I went and put ketchup on this girl's shirt as I sat across from her. I just opened up the ketchup packet and put it on her like she was a fucking burger. She goes "WTF!" and I say "oh, I'm sorry".
I'm class of 98, damn, now I feel old, thanks holy taco.
I laughed at the rest of it, but at that part i kinda slowly stopped chuckling and had to turn down my third eye blind cd.
(128 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
September 19th, 2009 at 04:27 pm
All the guys in these photos creep me out. Just like all the internet tough guys on this forum. Real men you are.
September 25th, 2009 at 01:52 am
Where's the neckbeard?
September 25th, 2009 at 03:21 am
The photo of spock with a beard made me laugh.
September 28th, 2009 at 02:56 pm
So, what if you have facial hair but none of the above listed, including those listed in the comments?
And what's to be said about the Wolf Boys of Mexico whose entire face is cover in hair?
September 28th, 2009 at 09:19 pm
well gosh i know this will sound silly
but i get off to thinking of rosanne barr kicking me hard in the nuts and totally making me her bitch
October 1st, 2009 at 02:52 pm
Am I the only one who was rolling around in hysterics to see a picture of Tom Arnold? Kudos for throwing that tired windbag a bone...
October 2nd, 2009 at 08:22 am
That clean shaven guy is gorgeous.
October 5th, 2009 at 09:16 am
Since you put down all mens' faces, what are we supposed to do? Lost its humor, childless woman.
October 7th, 2009 at 08:18 pm
"Also, I really want you to look at my mouth, so I circled it in hair."
LOLLL!
October 7th, 2009 at 09:21 pm
so hilriou i cried, and then my vagina cried. dig?
October 9th, 2009 at 01:36 pm
What I get from this post is that there is nothing a man can do with facial hair that is positive... even shave it...
Tis a sad day for men who've reached puberty. A sad day indeed.
October 13th, 2009 at 08:34 pm
whatever. nobody's fucks cheese like Sarah Silverman. Don't believe me? Look it up!
October 18th, 2009 at 05:06 pm
Okay. Obviously, if you are a guy, and have anything in between facial hair and no facial hair, you are a douche. (according to this article)
Mustache is the only thing not hinted here?
October 22nd, 2009 at 07:23 pm
Realism is a vagicunt. Must think the world of himself, being so deep and philosophical as to use a screenname from which the nature and plausibility of which is one of the most hotly debated issues in contemporary metaphysics, perhaps even the most hotly debated issue in contemporary philosophy. The question of the nature and plausibility of realism arises with respect to a large number of subject matters, including ethics, aesthetics, causation, modality, science, mathematics, semantics, and the everyday world of macroscopic material objects and their properties. To assume such an exhaustive and complex concept as a screenname illustrates the egocentric paradigm in which "Realism" appears to exist.
I am, in fact, important, cool, and at least ,;"|: this many years older than the 3 year old referred to, for whom you are waiting (which I might add is a pointless and time consuming venture for a realist to undertake).
Anyway, the real reason I came to reply before reading "Realism's" hate mail was to question if this article basically says that anything done/ or not done with your facial hair leaves one a loser? Is that the verdict? Assuming so, I guess I will just resort to a style not mentioned...the 70's era flavor saver moustache. Cheers!
*Just kidding with you Realism - we are all friends here...
October 26th, 2009 at 06:21 am
what about just a chin beard? Your forgot about a chin beard!
November 3rd, 2009 at 09:21 am
that part about the chin strap is so true. my ex had a chin strap, although it was more of a "i have a recessive jaw and a severe overbite so this covers that defect" kinda thing.
November 7th, 2009 at 08:59 pm
I love it, no matter what you do, your a faggot. I guess the overall message of this is: kill yourself. lol.
November 7th, 2009 at 09:45 pm
represent yo!
November 9th, 2009 at 01:56 pm
Who said something about beards? My beard will kill you! You hear me pussy? Kill you dead I tell you!
November 11th, 2009 at 05:00 pm
Wow I seriously thought I was the only guy who grew his beard just to try and keep the chicks the fuck off.
I say try because it doesn't work. This one time I went and put ketchup on this girl's shirt as I sat across from her. I just opened up the ketchup packet and put it on her like she was a fucking burger. She goes "WTF!" and I say "oh, I'm sorry".
That didn't work either. I had her that night.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
You are all a bunch of fucking asshats.
November 14th, 2009 at 07:58 pm
I'm class of 98, damn, now I feel old, thanks holy taco.
I laughed at the rest of it, but at that part i kinda slowly stopped chuckling and had to turn down my third eye blind cd.
November 16th, 2009 at 03:43 am
You guys are fricken weirdos with or without facial hair.
November 16th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
I have always called the soul patch and "idiot's dribble"
November 20th, 2009 at 11:34 am
No representation: handlebar.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
I am on the edge of my seat waiting for Holy Taco to tackle pubic hair, and what it says about you.
Shaven means you probably work at a topless, bottomless bar.
Waxed means you wanna look good in your bikini in Cancun this weekend.
Red hair means you are probably a carrot top.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
That's easy for you to say, Hairy Potter.
You probably don't have any pubic hair yet.
Wait, didn't you transplant some from your nosehairs, so you could look more mature when the other students "pantsed" you?
November 21st, 2009 at 10:46 pm
so there is no way you can have (or can't have) facial hair as a man without obscurely being a douche?
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