A haircut is a great way to instantly tell someone who you are and what you do, but sometimes the message that you're trying to send with your haircut isn't always the same as the message that people get from it. Here's what your haircut really says about you:
The Emo Swoop
Ah, the emo swoop: it's like wearing a highway caution sign on your head that says "I'm a huge pussy". As an excellent multi-functional haircut, the Emo Swoop satisfies your desire to feel like you're living your life from inside of a hair prison, and it keeps the world from having to see too much of your ugly, tear-streaked face.
What You Think It Says: If I'm 16 or under, then I know the kind of guy that girls my age are into. If I'm over 16, then I'm the type of guy that could probably justify statutory rape to myself.
What It Really Says:I grew up in a normal, upper-middle class family in the suburbs. My life is pretty normal. Can you imagine how painful it is to not have any pain at all?
The Slick Back
A favorite of successful businessmen, sleezy businessmen, and bad guys from old black and white movies, the Slick Back is a classic, timeless haircut. Experiment with greasiness to obtain the desired level of creepiness.
What You Think It Says: Do any of you ladies like money?
What It Really Says: Hi. I'm Patrick Bateman.
The Shaved Head
The shaved head is a favorite for people who just don't have the time to do all the stupid, pointless stuff you have to do with hair, like brushing it every day and getting it cut once a month.
What You Think It Says: I'm confident, and I might be some kind of a cage fighter or something. You don't know. A lot of those guys have shaved heads, and they can kick ass. I also have a shaved head, so maybe I can kick ass too.
What It Really Says: What would you do if you started going bald at 22?
The Afro
A favorite of disco kings and lazy people everywhere, the afro was huge in the '70's, when both were at their record highs. The Afro dropped out of popularity for a while, but it's back with a vengeance.
What You Think It Says: I'm hip. Almost comically so.
What It Really Says: Y'know how everyone needs something visually distracting that people will identify you with, so that it'll take some of the attention off of your lack of personality? Well, I found the perfect thing!
The Spike Job
Popularized in the late 90's by boy bands like 98 Degrees and The BackstreetBoys, the spike job was instantly adopted by self conscious dudes that desperately wanted to fit in and be as cool as their chin-strap bearded idols.
What You Think It Says: Of course I'd like to harmonize with you.
What It Really Says: I'm so self conscious that one light hearted joke about my appearance will send me into a tail spin of depression, I also spend more on hair gel each month than you do on groceries and gasoline combined.
The Crew Cut
The Crew Cut is the hairstyle of choice for military personnel, midwestern football players, and people who want others to think that they're either military personnel or midwestern football players.
What You Think It Says: I'm mature and clean-cut. I take care of myself, and I practice basic grooming habits.
What It Really Says: I'm either a badass dude, or I'm totally gay. It's about 50/50.
The Skullet
Perfect for dirty uncles, salesmen, and any guy who's bald and feels an overwhelming desire to hold on desperately to whatever he's got left up there.
What You Think It Says: Sure, I'm bald. That doesn't mean that I'm not a cool dude. I'm not too old to have fun. Look at all this fun I'm having on the back of my head, despite my being so old---I mean, bald.
What It Really Says: Yes, I can fix your computer/antique furniture/domestic automobile.
The Kanye
Named after Kanye West, who is largely responsible for the style's recent surge in popularity, the Kanye is a modern and popular choice for african american men and white dudes who think they're black.
What You Think It Says: I'm f*ckin' creative, man. I'm so creative I'm like....I'm like a...well, I'm like something that's super creative.
What It Really Says: I dressed up as Kanye for Halloween. It was a great costume. Now I just have to wait for my hair to grow back in before I can not look like a jackass anymore.
The chin strap is also a favorite enjoyed by white suburban wannabe gangsters with tattoos on their neck and weren't smart enough to take the college prep classes at your high school.
It is also loved by the oompla loompa looking roid freaks of the Jersey Shore guido acclaim.
I find it's the guys that have a hard time growing facial hair that despise the chin-strap.
I'm a father, I wear professional attire 6/7 days a week and don't go around acting like a douche-bag. I'll be shaving today, gonna do a chin-strap in honor of this conversation.
Have a great weekend everybody!
The shaved head part, I'd like to point out that some people HAVE hair and choose to shave their head. Big difference between bald and shaved head. Then again, that must mean im a bad ass.
Jesus. Between some other bad article I read here, the misspelling of "sleazy", and the implication that "badass" and "gay" are mutually exclusive makes this one of the worst websites to which I am ever constantly linked.
This tungsten celtic wedding ring features the rich design of the circular knot. The intertwining lines of the celtic knot stand for the continuity of everlasting love and the binding together of two souls. What better way to show your love for someone then with a tungsten wedding band symbolizing your eternal bond.
Sometimes the misplaced hate and anger on this site gets to be a little too much. Usually I like the articles here - the "reasons not to help girls move" one is a classic - but ones like this just make me shake my head. I didn't laugh once - isn't this supposed to be funny?
The Kanye? That hairstyle is about as old as the internet =P lol He may have brought it up to the people who sit behind a computer or TV screen all day, but if you go out you'll see and know that it's been there longer than Kanye.
Why would you want something named the Kanye anyways? Kanye West has got to be the most arrogant, childish, and self absorbed star I know (not to mention a poor loser). He has great songs but he throws a tantrum if he doesn't get an award for it. Sorry Kanye, no gold star for you...
And yes, generally anyone I see with this haircut I instantly think...wife beater.
(70 Comments)
Twitter
Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
November 16th, 2009 at 10:15 am
What the fuck is a "chin-stap"?
November 16th, 2009 at 10:21 am
That stupid pencil thin beard thing that guys that think they're hardcore sport.
November 16th, 2009 at 01:44 pm
The chin strap is also a favorite enjoyed by white suburban wannabe gangsters with tattoos on their neck and weren't smart enough to take the college prep classes at your high school.
It is also loved by the oompla loompa looking roid freaks of the Jersey Shore guido acclaim.
November 21st, 2009 at 12:11 pm
I find it's the guys that have a hard time growing facial hair that despise the chin-strap.
I'm a father, I wear professional attire 6/7 days a week and don't go around acting like a douche-bag. I'll be shaving today, gonna do a chin-strap in honor of this conversation.
Have a great weekend everybody!
November 16th, 2009 at 10:29 am
So chin-STRAP... got ya..
November 17th, 2009 at 03:17 am
Beaver valley = http://bit.ly/3EehLS
November 16th, 2009 at 10:30 am
"What would you do if you started going bald at 22?"
I dunno. Let's ask the guys from Stupid Argument Friday and see what they did.
November 16th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Maybe if Holy Taco DIDNT sell out to Break media they could still call it drunken argument friday instead of stupid argument. self loathing bastards
November 16th, 2009 at 11:07 am
Yeah! Screw Break Media for starting this site and signing our paychecks!
November 16th, 2009 at 11:52 am
It's ok Holytaco. I still love you! :D
November 16th, 2009 at 01:11 pm
I also still love you Holy Taco.
HOLY TACO RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
November 17th, 2009 at 05:24 am
Holy Taco raped me...
November 17th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
So im not alone???
November 17th, 2009 at 02:50 pm
you're both wrong...i raped you. bwa ha ha ha!!!
November 16th, 2009 at 10:48 am
The Spike Job & Crew Cut are typical douche bag haircuts.
November 16th, 2009 at 11:12 am
What kind of haircut ISN'T douchy... is there anything I can do with my hair that won't make me look like a 'tard?
November 16th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
Yea. Pull a Wayne Static.
November 16th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
dude wayne static's hair is so f'n awesome...that i would actually pay someone to do my hair just like his...everyday!
November 17th, 2009 at 02:52 pm
try the r. budd dwyer. very fashionable.
December 8th, 2009 at 01:08 pm
No doubt! that timeless fashionable "open top" look. Good ol' Bud.
November 16th, 2009 at 11:24 am
you need to correctly identify bald but with a pony tail as "the skullet"
November 16th, 2009 at 02:34 pm
YES. We were racking our brains trying to remember the technical term. Thanks!
November 16th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Take a look at my beautiful business cards. It says: I am a freakin' American Psycho!!
November 16th, 2009 at 11:51 am
The Crew Cut should be renamed to the "Channing Tatum."
November 16th, 2009 at 02:24 pm
Lawl. Kinda actually true
November 16th, 2009 at 02:24 pm
Is the mullet a hairstyle or curse on man?
November 17th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
It can't be a curse. Mullets are intentional. You don't wake up with one.
November 21st, 2009 at 08:11 pm
The mullets only a curse when you're a child, for i have not met a single dude who didnt have a mullet when they were like 5 XD
December 15th, 2009 at 08:37 am
A mullet isnt a hairstyle, it's a lifestyle
November 16th, 2009 at 02:36 pm
The shaved head part, I'd like to point out that some people HAVE hair and choose to shave their head. Big difference between bald and shaved head. Then again, that must mean im a bad ass.
November 16th, 2009 at 03:34 pm
I wonder what a hair cut from jail is called maybe the skullet ha
http://www.thepadrino.com
November 16th, 2009 at 06:47 pm
HOLY TACO, I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU AND I'MMA LET YOU FINISH BUT GALLAGHER HAD THE BEST HAIRCUT OF ALL TIME!
OF ALL TIME!
November 20th, 2009 at 09:33 am
Kayne - ROFLMAO - you hit that shlt perfectly man!!!! Kudos
November 16th, 2009 at 07:25 pm
What would you do if you started going bald at 22?
shave my head....which is exactly what I fucking did
November 16th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Jesus. Between some other bad article I read here, the misspelling of "sleazy", and the implication that "badass" and "gay" are mutually exclusive makes this one of the worst websites to which I am ever constantly linked.
November 16th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
What does bed head say about a person? I wake up with bed head and just step out the door. I don't give a FUHHHHH!
November 27th, 2009 at 06:00 am
It says you're lazy and probably smell funny.
December 15th, 2009 at 08:38 am
It means that you think you are cool, and you're wrong
November 16th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Tungsten Carbide Celtic Wedding Ring
This tungsten celtic wedding ring features the rich design of the circular knot. The intertwining lines of the celtic knot stand for the continuity of everlasting love and the binding together of two souls. What better way to show your love for someone then with a tungsten wedding band symbolizing your eternal bond.
November 17th, 2009 at 12:10 am
Tungsten - you got a 'skullet' right?
Sales SOB!
November 20th, 2009 at 09:34 am
Awesomely comical SomePeople
November 17th, 2009 at 12:20 am
What does it mean if I have a crewcut and I'm a badass dude AND totally gay?
November 23rd, 2009 at 02:48 pm
It means you should change your name to G.I. Joe
November 17th, 2009 at 02:54 am
Sometimes the misplaced hate and anger on this site gets to be a little too much. Usually I like the articles here - the "reasons not to help girls move" one is a classic - but ones like this just make me shake my head. I didn't laugh once - isn't this supposed to be funny?
November 17th, 2009 at 05:02 am
^^ = spike job
November 23rd, 2009 at 02:56 pm
Obviously you are an Emo Swoop, someone with too much free time and not enough to things to be unnecessarily PO'd about.
Robert Patterson is Bothered, and so is FrankRizzo. Hehe.
November 17th, 2009 at 03:21 pm
The Kanye? That hairstyle is about as old as the internet =P lol He may have brought it up to the people who sit behind a computer or TV screen all day, but if you go out you'll see and know that it's been there longer than Kanye.
November 23rd, 2009 at 11:14 am
Kanye West did not invent that style of cut...Vanilla Ice...it's all I am gonna say....
November 23rd, 2009 at 02:59 pm
Someone who REALLY loves mazes invented the Kanye.
November 25th, 2009 at 07:17 am
Why would you want something named the Kanye anyways? Kanye West has got to be the most arrogant, childish, and self absorbed star I know (not to mention a poor loser). He has great songs but he throws a tantrum if he doesn't get an award for it. Sorry Kanye, no gold star for you...
And yes, generally anyone I see with this haircut I instantly think...wife beater.
Post new comment