A haircut is a great way to instantly tell someone who you are and
what you do, but sometimes the
message that you’re trying to send with your haircut isn’t always the same as the message that people get from it. Here’s what your haircut really says about you:
The Emo Swoop
Ah, the emo swoop: it’s like wearing a highway caution sign on your head that says "I’m a huge pussy". As an excellent multi-functional haircut, the Emo Swoop satisfies your desire to feel like you’re living your life from inside of a hair
prison, and it keeps the world from having to see too much of your ugly, tear-streaked face.
What You Think It Says: If I’m 16 or under, then I know the kind of guy that girls my age are into. If I’m over 16, then I’m the type of guy that could probably justify statutory rape to myself.
What It Really Says: I grew up in a normal, upper-middle class family in the suburbs. My life is pretty normal. Can you imagine how painful it is to not have any pain at all?
The Slick Back
A favorite of successful businessmen, sleezy businessmen, and bad guys from old black and white movies, the Slick Back is a classic, timeless haircut. Experiment with greasiness to obtain the desired level of creepiness.
What You Think It Says: Do any of you ladies like money?
What It Really Says: Hi. I’m Patrick Bateman.
The shaved head is a favorite for people who just don’t have the time to do all the stupid, pointless stuff you have to do with hair, like brushing it every day and getting it cut once a month.
What You Think It Says: I’m confident, and I might be some kind of a cage fighter or something. You don’t know. A lot of those guys have shaved heads, and they can kick ass. I also have a shaved head, so maybe I can kick ass too.
What It Really Says: What would you do if you started going bald at 22?
The Afro
A favorite of disco kings and lazy people everywhere, the afro was huge in the ’70′s, when both were at their record highs. The Afro dropped out of popularity for a while, but it’s back with a vengeance.
What You Think It Says: I’m hip. Almost comically so.
What It Really Says: Y’know how everyone needs something visually distracting that people will identify you with, so that it’ll take some of the attention off of your lack of personality? Well, I found the perfect thing!
The Spike Job
Popularized in the late 90′s by boy bands like 98 Degrees and The Backstreet Boys, the spike job was instantly adopted by self conscious dudes that desperately wanted to fit in and be as cool as their chin-strap bearded idols.
What You Think It Says: Of course I’d like to harmonize with you.
What It Really Says: I’m so self conscious that one light hearted joke about my appearance will send me into a tail spin of depression, I also spend more on hair gel each month than you do on groceries and gasoline combined.
The Crew Cut
The Crew Cut is the hairstyle of choice for military personnel, midwestern football players, and people who want others to think that they’re either military personnel or midwestern football players.
What You Think It Says: I’m mature and clean-cut. I take care of myself, and I practice basic grooming habits.
What It Really Says: I’m either a badass dude, or I’m totally gay. It’s about 50/50.
The Skullet
Perfect for dirty uncles, salesmen, and any guy who’s bald and feels an overwhelming desire to hold on desperately to whatever he’s got left up there.
What You Think It Says: Sure, I’m bald. That doesn’t mean that I’m not a cool dude. I’m not too old to have fun. Look at all this fun I’m having on the back of my head, despite my being so old—I mean, bald.
What It Really Says: Yes, I can fix your computer/antique furniture/domestic automobile.
The Kanye
Named after
Kanye West, who is largely responsible for the style’s recent surge in popularity, the Kanye is a modern and popular choice for african american men and white dudes who think they’re black.
What You Think It Says: I’m f*ckin’ creative, man. I’m so creative I’m like….I’m like a…well, I’m like something that’s super creative.
What It Really Says: I dressed up as Kanye for Halloween. It was a great costume. Now I just have to wait for my hair to grow back in before I can not look like a jackass anymore.
Courtney Love & Muppet Sexual Assault
Playboy’s Big Dance March Madness Bracket Challenge
Is the mullet a hairstyle or curse on man?
The shaved head part, I’d like to point out that some people HAVE hair and choose to shave their head. Big difference between bald and shaved head. Then again, that must mean im a bad ass.
I wonder what a hair cut from jail is called maybe the skullet ha
http://www.thepadrino.com
HOLY TACO, I’M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU AND I’MMA LET YOU FINISH BUT GALLAGHER HAD THE BEST HAIRCUT OF ALL TIME!
OF ALL TIME!
What would you do if you started going bald at 22?
shave my head….which is exactly what I fucking did
Jesus. Between some other bad article I read here, the misspelling of “sleazy”, and the implication that “badass” and “gay” are mutually exclusive makes this one of the worst websites to which I am ever constantly linked.
What does bed head say about a person? I wake up with bed head and just step out the door. I don’t give a FUHHHHH!
Tungsten Carbide Celtic Wedding Ring
This tungsten celtic wedding ring features the rich design of the circular knot. The intertwining lines of the celtic knot stand for the continuity of everlasting love and the binding together of two souls. What better way to show your love for someone then with a tungsten wedding band symbolizing your eternal bond.
Tungsten – you got a ‘skullet’ right?
Sales SOB!
What does it mean if I have a crewcut and I’m a badass dude AND totally gay?
Sometimes the misplaced hate and anger on this site gets to be a little too much. Usually I like the articles here – the “reasons not to help girls move” one is a classic – but ones like this just make me shake my head. I didn’t laugh once – isn’t this supposed to be funny?
^^ = spike job
It can’t be a curse. Mullets are intentional. You don’t wake up with one.
The Kanye? That hairstyle is about as old as the internet =P lol He may have brought it up to the people who sit behind a computer or TV screen all day, but if you go out you’ll see and know that it’s been there longer than Kanye.
Actually the skullet says: “I’m an America-hating liberal tenured college professor who thinks if I wear this cut 20 yr old chicks will sleep with me”.
So what kind of hairstyle does the jackass that wrote this have?
He obviously thinks he knows everything about everything.
So who the fuck cares what your hairstyle or the message anyones trying to send.
Heres a thought. What if…. They like the way it looks?
Wow crazy concept huh.
Way to get all butthurt. Nice spike job, btw.
GET TO DA CHOPPER, ARTSULEEEE
Kayne – ROFLMAO – you hit that shlt perfectly man!!!! Kudos
Awesomely comical SomePeople
fabulous article!
all totally true.
I spewed coffee on the emo one.
They didn’t cover the pompadour..
They should have on here what girls haircuts mean. We have hair too
They didn’t talk about guys who have really long hair that AREN’T balding. …I miss my brother’s hair before he cut it. I have hair down to my waist and his was five inches longer than mine… Rock on!
So doesn’t this article cover the vast spread of haircuts available? If all haircuts communicate on guys that they’re a douchebag or something…what’s a “normal” haircut that doesn’t say anything of th sort other than, “I’m a nice, normal guy?”
Haha LAWLZ
That was fantabulous and totally true.
Except I think the “skullet” means:
I’m red neck douche bag who spends my weekend drinking beer in the bed of my truck while I blast country music and headbang out of context.
The mullets only a curse when you’re a child, for i have not met a single dude who didnt have a mullet when they were like 5 XD
hey fucktards,
the ‘chinstrap’ is not a haircut.
figure it out douche bags.
hey fucktard,
yeah, it’s not like a chin-strap is formed by cutting any hair or anything.
figure it out douche bag.
who’s the guy in the afro picture? totally looks like my uncle. weird.
Kanye West did not invent that style of cut…Vanilla Ice…it’s all I am gonna say….
It means you should change your name to G.I. Joe
Obviously you are an Emo Swoop, someone with too much free time and not enough to things to be unnecessarily PO’d about.
Robert Patterson is Bothered, and so is FrankRizzo. Hehe.
Someone who REALLY loves mazes invented the Kanye.
That’s the “Rockstar Wannabe” haristyle.
What you think it Says About You:
People will think I’m in a crappy nightclub band and only make enough money for beer and cigarettes.
What it Really Says About You:
I drive the dump truck at a construction site and only make enough money for beer and cigarettes.
Why would you want something named the Kanye anyways? Kanye West has got to be the most arrogant, childish, and self absorbed star I know (not to mention a poor loser). He has great songs but he throws a tantrum if he doesn’t get an award for it. Sorry Kanye, no gold star for you…
And yes, generally anyone I see with this haircut I instantly think…wife beater.
It says you’re lazy and probably smell funny.
You are very perceptive guy. HUndreds of them at UC.
i kinda think that the fucker that wrote this thing is a complete douche. lol so i guess every single guy in america sucks now because they have hair. even if u have no hair you still suck. haha the guy that wrote this probably has a skullet and butt-fucks sheep
Guys with “The Spike Job” look like complete IDIOTS!
Actually, they look like a bird shit on their head and they were unsuccessful at combing it out.
A mullet isnt a hairstyle, it’s a lifestyle
It means that you think you are cool, and you’re wrong
Lol. I rock the scene swoop. I’m 22. I get mad hot women. Nice. A lot of people hate, but you guys are the ones standing on the side of the dance floor watching me make out with a female. Haha keep hatin!
I lol’d hard at The Skullet. My dad has the same doo, and it just so happens he fixes computers for a part-time job when he’s off-duty at the firestation. xD
What the fuck is a “chin-stap”?
That stupid pencil thin beard thing that guys that think they’re hardcore sport.
The chin strap is also a favorite enjoyed by white suburban wannabe gangsters with tattoos on their neck and weren’t smart enough to take the college prep classes at your high school.
It is also loved by the oompla loompa looking roid freaks of the Jersey Shore guido acclaim.
I find it’s the guys that have a hard time growing facial hair that despise the chin-strap.
I’m a father, I wear professional attire 6/7 days a week and don’t go around acting like a douche-bag. I’ll be shaving today, gonna do a chin-strap in honor of this conversation.
Have a great weekend everybody!
So chin-STRAP… got ya..
Beaver valley = http://bit.ly/3EehLS
“What would you do if you started going bald at 22?”
I dunno. Let’s ask the guys from Stupid Argument Friday and see what they did.
Maybe if Holy Taco DIDNT sell out to Break media they could still call it drunken argument friday instead of stupid argument. self loathing bastards
The Spike Job & Crew Cut are typical douche bag haircuts.
It’s ok Holytaco. I still love you!
I also still love you Holy Taco.
HOLY TACO RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Holy Taco raped me…
So im not alone???
you’re both wrong…i raped you. bwa ha ha ha!!!
What kind of haircut ISN’T douchy… is there anything I can do with my hair that won’t make me look like a ‘tard?
Yea. Pull a Wayne Static.
dude wayne static’s hair is so f’n awesome…that i would actually pay someone to do my hair just like his…everyday!
try the r. budd dwyer. very fashionable.
No doubt! that timeless fashionable “open top” look. Good ol’ Bud.
you need to correctly identify bald but with a pony tail as “the skullet”
Take a look at my beautiful business cards. It says: I am a freakin’ American Psycho!!
The Crew Cut should be renamed to the “Channing Tatum.”
Lawl. Kinda actually true
The man with the fro is extremely attractive. Just had to get that out there
This site has the BEST comments instead of all the crap at other websites! I love it! Also, mullets on children should be considered child abuse.
So every haircut says truly says something bad? I guess we’re all fucked.
By the way, tell me if I’m wrong, but I’m assuming that none of you have graduated high school yet…