Now that summer is in full swing, it’s time to get out and see some music at big, sweaty, obnoxious festivals. No other summer event will evoke such feelings of both love and hate simultaneously as you revel in the feeling of being part of what amounts to a small city congregating in a random field while at the same time potentially wading through other people’s feces, dehydrating in the broiling sun and being totally unable to get near the stage without some assholes groping and/or beating you senseless.
There’s a plethora of festivals to choose from all around the world, all featuring incredible line ups of musical talent. Which do you choose? As luck would have it, your festival may pick you (sounds kinda deep, don’t it?). Anyway, let’s check some of the more popular festivals and see what they say about their attendees.
What it is: Chicago’s annual festival of rock, alternative, hip hop and (at least last year) stand up comedy is hardcore and serious. You can tell because it’s named after a farming tool.
What it says about you: You are metal! Not literally, but you are badass and can commit to listening to 20 bands you’ve never heard of to get to the 5 you have. Because they are all awesome! Or, well, 2 of them are, but the other three have a cool song! It was an album or two ago, but they’ll probably play it! I love alt rock! I rode my bike here. I don’t get the jokes people make about my mustache. Stop calling me ironic.
What it is: If you’re not aware of Lilith Fair yet, it may be because the amount of estrogen per square inch it emits has blinded you. But for the uninformed, it’s Sarah McLachlan’s female musician festival/tour/headache.
What it Says About You: You willingly tolerate Sarah McLachlan so you’re either a devoted feminist or you’re deaf. There is also a distinct possibility that you are unaware that not all women are good musicians just because they have uteruses. You may also be unaware that Lilith Fair was shitcanned last year.
What it Is: One of the more well known festivals, the brainchild of Jane’s Addiction frontman Perry Farrell, Lollapoalooza tries to be everything to everyone, covering just about all forms of music except country and polka.
What it Says About You: You think you’re old school by attending a festival that was founded in the 90s unlike all these upstart festivals, with the exception of the few dozen from the 70’s and 80’s. You own something that is plaid. You Tweet your disgust with politicians. You enjoy fish tacos from time to time.
What it is: A punk rock/alt rock festival that also takes the time to let people play with skateboards and sell a ton of garbage.
What it Says About You: You have either dyed your hair or shaved it at some point in your life and you really enjoy video games. You Tweet your disgust with bands that are filthy sell outs. You have gotten drunk and explained how a band like Fall Out Boy is not a punk band at all and anyone who thinks they are may be clinically retarded.
What it is: One of the biggest music festivals in America, Bonnaroo is a jazzy, indie rock, blue grass, folk, dude sin pork pie hats with joints kind of festival.
What it Says About You: You own something from Old Navy and you drink coffee in bookstores. You recycle and you also enjoy the odd fish taco. You have discussed your disgust with Glenn Beck with friends but if you met him you would be polite, yet icy. Where are my cargo pants? Wooo!!!
What it is: Bonnaroo, but in California
What it says about you: You couldn’t make it to Bonnaroo.
What it is: A massive festival in the UK dating back to the 70’s, it was born from hippies and artists and a farmer who probably makes more money than Jesus. Jesus was a carpenter so that’s not really far fetched.
What it says about you: You can afford to travel to England but you will make the plane stink like patchouli on the way there. On the way back it’ll stink like hand-crafted trinkets you bought from a new age vendor in a hemp vest. But at least you got to see U2.
What it is: Belgium’s annual music festival headlined by big American acts. They traded us for waffles.
What it Says About You: You have heard of this festival before. You probably read music magazines or something.
What it is: It’s not a traditional music festival, more of an insane gathering in the middle of the desert that includes fire and ladies who wear latex clothes. Plus the odd chainsaw juggler.
What it says about you: If you haven’t seen midget porn, a close friend of yours has. You would describe yourself as artistic. You are not a Scientologist.