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5 New Years Resolutions You Won’t Keep

New Years resolutions are the best method for starting your year off with failure, disappointment, and broken promises. Some old guy from the past once said: "it’s better to try and fail than to never try at all." There’s a good chance you’re not going to keep your resolution, but it isn’t really your fault.  Sometimes there are just too many factors working against you. This is why you’re probably going to fail to keep your New Years resolution this year:
Lose Weight/Get in Shape
According to the CDC, 67% of Americans are overweight. Fast food joints with huge portions and dollar menus are on every corner now, and parents are cranking out fat, wheezy Maury guests by the dozens.  It seems you can’t go three steps without running into a grotesquely overweight 30-year old on a Rascal scooter.  It’s no wonder that loosing weight and getting in shape is consistently one of the most popular New Years resolutions to make, but unfortunately it’s also the resolution that’s the least kept.
Why You’ll Fail to Keep This Resolution: You mistakenly clicked on the link to this site because you saw the word "taco" and got excited.
Dump Your Stupid Girlfriend
Relationships sometimes get comfortable, and when you’ve dated the same girl since your freshman year of high school, it gets "hey, come check out this monster shit" comfortable.  You’ve been telling yourself since college that you should see what else is out there, and why shouldn’t you? You don’t even have sex anymore.  You haven’t seen your girlfriend’s vagina in so long that it’s become something intangible, like hope or good will.  Every year, millions of people resolve to drop the dead weight and move on with their life.  Unfortunately, it’s usually easier said than done.
Why You’ll Fail to Keep This Resolution: You’re fat and old, and you have no idea what it’s like out there anymore.  These girls today will eat your soft, fat ass alive.  
Quit Smoking Cigarettes/Meth

Cigarettes and Meth are bad for you.  They make you unfocused, irritable, and unfit to survive some kind of catastrophe scenario, should one arise unexpectedly. If there’s a zombie apocalypse tomorrow, you don’t want to be the guy wheezing/furiously cleaning your bathroom in the back of a crowd of fleeing, screaming people. There’s no better time to make a big, life-changing decision like quitting smoking/meth than New Years.  It’ll save money, improve your health, and make you more desirable to the ladies.
Why You’ll Fail to Keep This Resolution: The good news is that you’re going to quit cigarettes/meth for a week.  Unfortunately, you’re gonna hang out with your buddies next weekend, and y’know your one other friend who smokes cigarettes/meth? Well, he’s gonna be there, and he didn’t decide to quit.  After a few beers, you’ll be bumming smokes/meth from him, and by the end of the night you’ll have purchased your very own pack of smokes/grocery cart full of cleaning supplies and antihistamine.
Get Organized
Face it: you’re a goddamn packrat.  Do you really need to save all of your newspapers in a pile next to the front door? Are you ever going to use any of the 70 sheets of Dominos Pizza coupons clinging desperately to your fridge?  It’s time to get organized, and that means it’s time to throw shit away.  A lot of people are uncomfortable with this idea, but not you.  Not anymore, anyway.  You’ve decided that you’d like to see the top of your dining room table every now and then, and get all your work done on time so you don’t have to stay late anymore and have conversations with Armando, the office cleaning guy, who seems pretty nice, but just has too many scars and tattoos to be as friendly as he is without some ulterior motive.  Also, he asked you that one time if he could borrow your car for a couple of days. That was kind of weird.
Why You’ll Fail to Keep This Resolution: I don’t know if you realize this, but getting organized is really hard.  If you’re a naturally un-organized person, it’s probably because you’re lazy and don’t care, and if that’s the case then you don’t give a shit about some stupid resolution you came up with when you were drunk and shooting off roman candles in the middle of an intersection.
Take Control of Your Facebook Page
Facebook used to be so simple.  You put in your college email address, look at your friends’ pictures, and talk about how you saw a chick’s butthole at a party last night. Y’know, normal stuff. Now it’s a completely different ballgame, because everyone and their mom is on facebook now.  Literally: your mom is probably on facebook now.  It’s become a hassle to even check your facebook, because you’ll have 38 requests from a hodgepodge of stupid facebook apps letting you know all the progress your 50-year old aunt has made in some shitty jewel-hunting game, and 20 more surveys from dumbass friends who are anxiously awaiting your answers. It’s time for you to start blocking people in your news feed, avoiding apps like they’re swine flu, and not accepting Friend Requests from the weird dry-mouthed dude in your office who you don’t even talk to.
Why You’ll Fail to Keep This Resolution: Never underestimate the power of Farmville.

14 Responses to "5 New Years Resolutions You Won’t Keep"

  1. ugg Australia says:


  2. dude for real? says:

    i tried to bum some meth off of my friend today like u guys said,….well he cut me, then robbed me then peed in my open knife wounds and then burned me with his meth pipe, so fuck u guys for suggesting that you can bum meth from your friends IT DONT WORK LIKE THAT

  3. Meth lover says:

    yeah sorry about that dude. i possibly over-reacted a little

  4. Nova says:

    They would probably hit you back, the person trapped in the folds I mean. icky.

  5. Dirk Diggler says:

    God! It figures that stupid fat ass slut is on scooter

  6. Barn Door says:

    I’d hit those folds.

  7. Anony says:

    What about dumping your stupid BOYFRIEND…? cuz I did it! Yeeeaaa.

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  10. dicksauce'smom says:

    I just hate it when they take pictures of me on my scooter!

  11. Anonimous says:

    i swear to god if somebod sends me one more lonely cow i will rape and kill everybody

  12. Noob says:

    There is nor first only lasts, retard!

  13. BeArRuStLeR says:

    God she is tasty….I would nail that aboard the scooter any day.

  14. office jerk says:

    the facebook one was all truth