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What Your Pet Says About You


People love pets, because pets fill huge, empty holes in our souls that were dug out by years of parental neglect and being forced to eat stale bread and leather scraps in our tiny rooms under the stairs while we prayed to our Matchbox cars, the one spot of joy in our otherwise dismal existences. Honestly, once you have a living, breathing thing willing to share a living space with you after that, one that doesn’t carry the plague, it’s not hard to see why people bond so heavily with the little scamps.

All that aside, with the plethora of pets available at your local pet shop, farm or boulangerie, it’s hard to know where to begin to select the perfect non-human companion to help sop up the sloppy mess that is your own sense of isolation and despair. But who cares where you begin, we’re dealing with the end and what your choice of pet says about who you really are, deep down inside in a frightfully unscientific way.



Everyone loves dogs, except for the thousands of people who suffer from cynophobia, the third most common animal phobia in the world, which is compounded by the 78 million or so dogs that live in the US right this very minute. But yeah, those people aside, everyone loves dogs.

Dogs are loyal and loveable and will often scoot their asses across the carpet, apparently in an effort to leave hilarious trails in the shag and/or relieve itches that usually require the use of at least two finger joints.

If your pet of choice is a dog, chances are you have something to hide. That came out of left field, eh? Well, think about it. There’s 78 million owned dogs in America, that’s more dogs than there are Canadians in Canada. More than twice as many, in fact. You’re trying too hard to fit in.


Thought you’d get away from the persecution, eh? There’s like 100 million cats in the US so arguably you’re also trying to blend in here. Except not. Cats inexplicably make you stand out as more and more insane with each additional feline you possess. The crazy cat lady wasn’t invented on a whim, she’s a finely honed icon of batshit insanity that stands as a warning to us all. One cat is like one joint, it’s a gateway drug, man. Soon you think Mr. Whiskers needs a friend and suddenly cats are your crack and you have 15 of them, you just put litter on the basement floor and hope for nature to sort itself out and when people come to your house you cower in the dark petting fur-covered pillows you’re too numb to notice are not actually cats.

So what we’re saying is you may have a fragile psyche if you enjoy cats.


Like Freud’s creepy stages of development that deal with putting things in your ass and mouth (generally not at the same time), pet lizards represent a fundamental block in your development towards maturity. Not that you can’t function properly in society and be a decent, caring human being, it’s just that when other people are basking in the unconditional love and affection of a warm, furry companion, you’re handing crickets to a cold blooded animal that cares as much about you as it does about the film career of Dane Cook. And you know how much anyone cares about the film career of Dane Cook.


Spiders are not unlike lizards as pets, except where lizards can have a curious form of cuteness that appeals to girls who dye their hair purple and wear glasses with extremely thick rims, spiders are simply awful. If a spider could talk, it would have a refined English accent and it would explain to you using the most brutal of utilitarian logic why your life is worth nothing and how it would liquefy your insides if given the chance and there wouldn’t even be a trace of malice in its voice. In fact, it might concede that it would miss your afternoon games of chess but that, in the grand scheme of things, the world is better with you dead.

If you enjoy spiders as pets there’s a good chance you don’t have a lot of meaningful interpersonal relationships and/or you’ve imagined your spider as a refined yet callous nglishman.


No one gets fish if they want pets. If anything, fish are bought from guilt. The more exotic the fish and the more effort required to keep it alive, the more guilt harbored in the tormented soul of its owner.


We’re not saying who this happened to, but we know of a certain comedy writer who, as a child, had a really bizarre old lady babysitter and that babysitter had an abnormal amount of parakeets for pets. Let’s say 15 of them. And every goddamn day one of those parakeets would deuce right on that kid’s head.

So birds are an awful pet. If you have one, then you should really think about what kind of person you are.

Giant African Land Snail

Though illegal in the US due to their potential to breed like rabbits and overrun the entire country, these giant snails are kept as pets in many other countries by people who are not at all weirded out by having a foot long mollusk in their home leaving forearm sized spooge trails over every surface.

The snails are happy on a diet of vegetation like lettuce and cucumber, and apparently also enjoy beer, in case the idea of a sober football sized monster isn’t your cup of tea and you’d like to see it shitfaced. The snails are hermaphrodites so if you have two, odds are you’re going to have more. How many more? They can produce up to about 1,200 young in a year, which is why the US government doesn’t allow them in the country. That’s 1,200 feet of snail, gorging themselves on our nation’s produce crops, which isn’t disturbing at all.

13 Responses to "What Your Pet Says About You"

  1. carpet chomper says:

    does that girl i keep locked in the basement count as a pet?

  2. Dr. Dolittle says:

    Fuck spiders and their English accents. The only pet that’s worth a damn is Norm MacDonald.

  3. ZimbabweJack says:

    YOu think your bad ass dolittle?
    how about we go mano y mano and see who can put the most red fire ants on our nuts ?
    YEah don’t mess around dolittle, My balls are aching for a showdown.

  4. Anonymous123243234 says:

    one more fucking animal story and i wont come back anymore…give me boobs!!!

  5. NogStomper says:

    hear ye. hear ye.

  6. bolyHAco says:

    No Snakes?
    No Guinea PIgs?
    No pet rocks?

    WTF holy taco , I’m getting real pissed.
    This whole arrogance thing is really starting to chap my ass.
    Where’s the love, huh?
    What is the meaning of life?

    I’m about this close to going haywire and express mailing a brown cow overnight.

    you hear me! Now I must go paint my testes

  7. ZimbabweJack says:

    I wanna Rock. ROCK!

  8. Tony Montana says:

    Hey FUCK YOU, MAN! You wanna go to war? You wanna go to war? Ok. We go to war. Fucking Cock-a-roach…

  9. Anonymouzer says:

    Too bad you don’t have sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads :(

  10. jackie says:

    My dog tells me ghe loves me everyday


  11. BitchesOnMyDick says:

    What the fuck is up with this site ? Aren’t there already 3 articles about this ?

  12. Macboober says:

    Dane Cook, hah. Bully for you Mollusk.

  13. Cummenter says:

    This cumment is actually for the Pocahontas post….I would PokeHerHotAss.